"The Holiday" Quote of My Life

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay [bowls of ice cream] you drink [eat] with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

My State of Mind

Say your sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to.
As I pace back and forth
All this time cause
I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on
The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known, I should have known.

That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now it's to late for you and your white horse to come around.

Maybe I was naÎve, got lost in your eyes,
and never really had a chance.
my mistake, I didn't know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings, well now I know...

Ready for a change

I am ready to change!!! I am ready to change myself and my patterns. I am tired of doing the same thing over and over again. I am tired of falling for the same guys. I am tired!! I am ready to just drop out of the games for awhile and not care about anything or anyone. I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankful for

THANKFUL FOR:

1. Teaching at Midvale
2. Getting paid for doing what I love
3. Students who love to say hi to me
4. Students that make me laugh
5. Students who have potential
6. Students that challenge me
   
7. My Mother who is my best friend
8. My Dad who always has an eternal prespective
9. My Sister who helps me get through hard times
10. My Brother-in-law who treats my sister like a queen and puts up with me
11. My brother-who has always be over protective but I miss in Utah
12. My Sister-in-law who used to help me through family events
13. My other brother, taught me a lot about life
14. My other sister-in-law who is the biggest peacemaker I have every meet.
15. My nieces and nephews and all in different ways; Sierra- Mary Poppins, Sydney-"Grandmas it is Sydney," stories, Ryan and Jesselyn who always want to play, Brianna just talks, Owen and Gideon are SO CUTE!!!!!!
16. Jane and everything she has helped me deal with
17. Erika, Elizabeth, and Doug for seeing me through High School and Freshman year
18. Katie
19. Megan- still one of the best people I could have in my life
20. Liz and all the laughs and craziness
21. Kyle- who picks up the pieces
22. Julie- she is a rock
23. All my friends
24. College experiences and how much they taught me
25. Old crushes and the things I learned from them
    
26. Being able to go home for Thanksgiving
27. Being able to visit my sister over Thanksgiving as well as be with my parents
28. Church
29. All the wonderful people at church: Brittany and Adam in particular today.
30. The Atonement (which is really number 1)
31. My car- which is dependable
32. Cheap gas
33. Tickets to cool events
    
34. Priesthood Power
35. Sunshine
36. Rain
37. Trees
38. MOUNTAINS!!!!!
39. Playing the Piano
40. Poetry
41. History
42. Listening to Music
43. CHRISTMAS
44. Christmas Movies
45. Christmas Music
46. Christmas Light
    

This is not a complete list but I will continue to work on it.

Thanksgiving

I should be in bed....sleeping!!!! Oh how I love sleeping but I just wanted to write and say how excited I am for THANKSGIVING!!!! To be with my parents and to see my nieces and nephews!!!! YAY!!!!! I am just so excited!!!!! Later to come is a list of things I am thankful for.

What is Love?

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is

It takes some fears to make you trust

Recently, as seen in previous posts, I have been thinking a lot about love. When is love true love and when is friendship love something more and anything else you might think about when you think about love.

Now I haven't come to any concrete conclusions and decisions but I was struck by the truth in the lines above. It takes no time to fall in love but it does take you years to know what love is. Think about it! It is so true. I fall in love all the time and I really think that this time is going to be it. But after awhile that initial high wears off and sometimes that is it and other times you discover that there is something more.

Love is constant and kind. Love picks you up when you fall down. Love is something that is so important to have in every relationship. Love is seeing some one at their worst but to know that they are better than that so you figure them. Love is the little jokes that make you smile and laugh every time you think about it. Love is the sayings that you share. Love is laughter. Love is forgiveness. Love is support. Love is complete trust. Trust that the person is not going to hurt you or betray you. Love is what we treasure most in the world. Love takes years to be this deep and is not something that is just happens. Love is putting up with the crap because you know this isn't normal. Love is everything you dream about but isn't the romantic fantasies. Love is what you depend on when everything else proves to be fake or false.

The other thing I really like is it that it says it takes fears to trust. That is so true. Speaking as someone who has a problem trusting there is a lot of fears that are in my heart every time I am thinking about letting someone in and trusting them to not hurt me. Sometimes it is the scariest think I have ever done because I was just hurt and betrayed by yet another person. And so all those fears are something that I have to choose to be able to trust someone. But in the end when I push through my fears and I trust someone and they don't let me down it has always been worth it.

Finding Joy in Life

These are all quotes from Elder Scott's Talk/Ensign Article "Finding Joy in Life." (May 1996) I have to say I love it all.....


"No matter how difficult something you or a loved one faces, it should not take over your life and be the center of all your interest. Challenges are growth experiences, temporary scenes to be played out on the background of a pleasant life. Don’t become so absorbed in a single event that you can’t think of anything else or care for yourself or for those who depend upon you. Remember, much like the mending of the body, the healing of some spiritual and emotional challenges takes time."


"Attempt to be creative for the joy it brings... Select something like music, dance, sculpture, or poetry. Being creative will help you enjoy life. It engenders a spirit of gratitude. It develops latent talent, sharpens your capacity to reason, to act, and to find purpose in life. It dispels loneliness and heartache. It gives a renewal, a spark of enthusiasm, and zest for life."

"You are here on earth for a divine purpose. It is not to be endlessly entertained or to be constantly in full pursuit of pleasure. You are here to be tried, to prove yourself so that you can receive the additional blessings God has for you. The tempering effect of patience is required. Some blessings will be delivered here in this life; others will come beyond the veil. The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you."

Personal first

I have thought about how blogs are public. I am a very private person but here on my blog I write about very personal things. Now, my blog is not the cover of anonymity people know it is me and mainly my friends are the only ones who read it. So why do I feel like placing my thoughts on the internet is a SAFE enviroment!!!! I honestly don't know but there is no doubt that I do. Weird? I know. I share my personal thoughts online. Now I love it. This chance to express and think through. I need to write things to be able to process them and I feel my brain clogged when I don't have time to write about it. There are a couple posts I regret ever putting them on I was not calm or rational and I said hurtful things on them. I feel bad about my over reaction and I am sorry. This is my very public apology for it. I feel geniunely bad about it now. Still I have to say I love to be able to blog and work out my thoughts.

Happiness

So I have been thinking quite a bit lately about happiness. I have been so emotional lately. I have cried more recently than I have in pretty much my entire life. I have been all over the map and I have been so confused. But does that mean I am unhappy?

I am not sure it does to be honest. I have had great moments of happiness and I have had a feeling of confidence and self worth a lot recently. So maybe being more emotional is me actually changing and progressing from my normal status of hiding behind a wall that no one could get through. Maybe I am more in touch with myself and my emotions and am more willing to let people in all of which are a good thing. Or maybe I am unhappy?


I have had a lot of moments of unhappiness and struggle and there are a lot of things that I am not happy about right now at the same time. I used to turn to the Lord in every matter before I even thought of turning to anyone else. I would also read the Conference issues so much I could usually quote it. The last thing I used to do is I used to want to talk to every person in the ward and used to be more friendly but now I am more comfortable with the friends I have made because they are so temporary anyways. I am unhappy? Have I lost spirituality? Or am I progressing in different ways? Honestly, I am not sure.

What's wrong with Quiet Nights at home

So there has been this stigma put on people who do not go on dates or out on friday nights. This stigma states that they are huge losers because they don't have anything to do on the weekend. Tonight I was listening to my friend play the piano and I started thinking about it and I realized some of my fondest memories have come from just chillin on the weekend.

I love being calm and at home. I love not having to worry about rushing here and there and having so much to do the next day as well. I like the feeling that I can sit and take it easy. I love love my nights at home on the weekend.

So I question everyone What is wrong with staying home on the weekend? Talking to the people who matter most in your life and just being able to sit calmly and take care of myself with a little rest and relaxation. It has been a long week and sitting at the home is the perfect re-energizer. Don't judge me. Go to your parties and on your dates but don't try to tell me I am a loser or wrong because I love my nights sitting here making jokes with my friends and listening to them play the piano beautifully.

Line

Cause you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

The Line between Romance and Friendship

This invisible line is constantly on my mind. It is such a thin line and so often it is blurred. It also causes me a lot of problems. To me the line is so so clear most of the time. But it often causes a problem for those around me and for other boys that come into my life. They just don't understand the relationship that I have with my best friend. I understand exactly where we stand but others make judgments.

Now, hopefully I can make myself clear and coherent. Sometimes I just wish that the line wouldn't be so hard. It is so confusing for myself and others. Here is my issue. I have people say things about my best friend being my soulmate. I also have everyone think that we are a couple when they see us together. And Finally I have people who say things similar to, "I wish I could find someone like [name of best friend here]," or "You guys have the type of relationship I want." Or "I wish I had what you guys have." Or "I love watching how you guys are together." After awhile you either get confused of sick of it. Then you grow past it... But do you really?


I feel that I have done a really good job understanding exactly where I stand on the issue and with my best friend. I don't want it to be any other way. At the same time I recognize three important factors.
1. It cannot stay this way forever, he will marry and we will grow apart.
2. Why would I need another best friend if I already have one?>
3. We both are going to progress which means our relationship has to change for that reason as well.

Honestly, since I was a kid I wanted to marry the person that I could tell everything too. The one who made me feel beautiful when I was sick. To make me feel like I was wonderful on my worst day. Who when they saw me falling apart would pick up the pieces and tell me how rare it was. I need it to be someone who when I trust them they don't hurt me with their insider knowledge. Who loves me for all my flaws and not inspite of them. In the end I want my best friend. This is the most confusing aspect for me. I want to marry my "best friend" but right now my best friend is not someone I want to marry. I love him more than I could ever express but it just stays right there. There is a part of me that believes that it would be so easy to be with him. Just one small step and we would be there. Just one small kiss and that would be enough. It would be easy, marry him move on with life and I know that we would always get along. But at the same time that is the last thing I want because it isn't enough and it isn't right. He is my best friend and nothing more and that is all I want. People don't believe me when I say that but it is true.

LOVE BOY MEETS WORLD

Enough said. The show takes me back to simpler times when I was carefree!!!!

I still believe that there's a destiny
That this winding road is leading me to
Someone I'm meant to find forever with
Who would never tear my dreams in two
But I guess that I'll find someone new

I just always thought it was you.

To borrow a line from a movie.... It looks like I was wrong but it wouldn't be the first time nor will it be the last time. I always throw myself in. I see someone who is sweet and kind. Who treats me well and I believe that this time it will be different. This time it will be worth it. That I will somehow be able to change myself and my nature and I won't become just the friend but I will be something more. I also fight myself in trying to make myself vulnerable and trying to be open to the future. I try and I try and I try. But the results are always the same. I think that I have found what I was looking for just to hit the wall and end up in the hospital. But I won't give up. I guess that I will find someone new because I know that God has a plan for me and my life.

I AM IN LOVE!!!!!

Here is the story: About three weeks ago when I had my laptop at school it ended up crashing to the floor and getting beat up. It has been doing weird things and the DVD drive was completely useless. It would shut down randomly and delete my files. This became a major problem that I had to take care of. I looked in to getting it fixed but it would cost the same amount as a new laptop. So I found one I wanted, ordered it directly from the company and they shipped it to me. I just got it recently and it is AWESOME.

Seriously, the screen on my computer is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO GOOD!!!! Crystal clear and such a high pixel count. WOW!!!! Also it has a ten key!!!!It is so shiny and FAST!!!!! SUPER FAST!!!!! I love it!!!!!! Plus, it came with a remote control...AWESOME!!!!

I am confident to say I AM IN LOVE....with my computer. And for once I believe it is a love that will last!!!!!!

Everyday and then bam they shock you

So everyday I give everything to my students. I am there friend, their teacher, and sometimes a mother figure in their lives. Between 200 students it is draining. Someone always needs something. Someone needs to be heard and listened to. Someone wants to give you an excuse. Someone cannot find their lunch money. Some of them need to know they can trust you. Some of them need a friend. Someone to take care of their boo boos (yes, they still need that in middle school.) They just need something from me all the time. And guess what? I LOVE IT!!! I thrive off of them needing me. I live and breathe it. I makes me feel like I have a purpose and it makes me feel like I am making a difference in these kids life. I really truly love it. And so everyday it is them draining everything out of me and exhausting me. But everyday I am thankful and blessed that I am exhausted because I am giving everything to my kids.

And then you have a day like I did this week. Where the kids saw me....truly saw me. They fought through there self-centered normal attitudes (which face it teenagers are self-centered) and they saw that their teacher was in pain. Some kids responded by being good which was more than I could ever ask from them normally. Some of them stayed in between classes and told me jokes. Some of them gave me hugs. Most of them just smiled and told me I was a great teacher. One of them actually wrote me a thank you note. And I realize that I do reach the kids and in return they help me and they strengthen me. I don't know if I could have made it through that awful day without them. So everday they take and take from me and that is fine especially one all the sudden they have one day where they give it all back to me plus some. I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

My Seventh Period

So here is the truth. I should dislike my seventh period. I have five kids who are CONSTANTLY talking TO ME. Even when I am trying to give a lesson. Every time there is any sort of a break they start talking to each other. They are constantly talking back to me. "No Teacher, I wasn't talking." And they do all sorts of things that are my pet peeves for students to do. As a class as a whole they go so slowly and it feels like everything drags. So they should be my worse class of the day. But for some reason. THEY ARE NOT!!! They crack me up that is the class period every day I just have to laugh at or with someone. Everyday someone says something hilarious. Plus, three students in that class react so funny when they are in trouble. I have one student who is learning English that when he is in trouble he changes his face through every emotion till he hits a face that creates a reaction. He goes from sadness, embarassment, anger, defiance, and smiling all within a minute to see which one will make me go okay no more but I won't get you in trouble today. Honestly, all of his faces just make me laugh and that is why he gets out of trouble. I know, I let him get out of trouble for making me laugh but guess what TEACHERS ARE HUMAN TOO!!!! I know, I know hard to believe. Though I try to be completely fair sometimes without even knowing it I am nicer to some kids and meaner to others. I read just yesterday that Kids laugh over a 1,000 times a day and adults 4. That is just sad because I love to laugh. I love to laugh at myself and the stupid things I do and I love to laugh with friends. But I will tell you that my average is better than all other adults with 4 and it isn't because of me or my friends it is because my kids at school. They keep me young and seventh period is the period that makes me laugh the most and the most often. So Thanks y'all!

A lot about Hope

I wonder if we as a people are struggling with hope. After all so much of conference this year was focused on Hope. We obviously need to remember it in hard times. I know that was a message for me recently. I have been losing sight of my own hope. That was a hard thing for me in and of myself. In hard times I have always been able to hold onto hope and it helped me through. This recent trials and sufferings have left me actually feeling for the first time in a long time. Hopeless. If it did not happen with this boy then it problem was not going to happen with any boy. If I cannot be trust these friends who can I trust. And the things have gone on tell I felt like there was no hope. I knew rationally different but I just felt like that was the case.

And another thing!!!

And another pet peeve recently. Why can't a girl be best friends with a guy? My best friend is a guy and everyone assumes that there is more to it than there really is. I mean why can't a girl just be friends with a guy? Why is that impossible? So it ruins possibilities because people think something is going on that isn't and people are always gossiping about it all the time. I hate it. He is my best friend that I don't have romantic feelings for it is possible.

STUPID!!!

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life and I will continue to do them I have no doubt but I guess recently it is thinking that things would change.

I thought that this was the year that I would have a BLAST with my roommates. After all I was moving in with one of the coolest people I know. But instead of having a blast I feel completely and utterly isolated. Now I kinda did that to myself. I am an all or nothing kinda of a girl. (I am working on it). And I friend didn't want to hear me when I said I didn't like the way she was being treated and that I just saw how she was continually hurt and so I hurt for her and it just got to painful for me to watch so my options were do something that would cause a huge fight or stop being her friend. I have continually wrestled with this and because the last thing I want to do is fight I have just isolated myself for now until I can come up with something else. But I miss having FUN!!! It has been a long time because all at has been is conversations revolving around one person it seems. I just want to laugh and be silly again!!!! Is that really too much to ask? Is it too much to want to care for her enough that I would sacrifice my own life for her? Is it selfish to realize that the situation was so draining that I didn't have anything left for my students so I had to get off the ride?

I also thought things would be different in love. I finally found someone who was just like my best friend but also that calmed me down and mellowed me out. Now he is ignoring me. He has made it painfully clear he doesn't want that much to do with me. I guess the smartest thing I have done recently is to not becoming vulnerable to him and not trust him because if I had this would hurt so much more. Instead I am just in pain because of what might have been and what seemed to be. That is where I was stupid. I thought I FINALLY had found a boy that was interested in me. Maybe didn't full blown like me but you know wanted to be around me. Wanted to talk to me about my students and my life. Wanted to tell me about his life. Wanted to get to know me better and give me a chance. WRONG!!!! It seems as if the only reason he wanted to talk to me was to get to my roommates. And that hurts worse than anything.


So in the end here is what I am left with.....I want to move, the sooner the better. And I give up. I feel like if it couldn't happen with these boy it will never happen and so why bother. I am done. Maybe that will change. Hopefully it will. But it is like a quote I read about running recently. You have to forget about the pain of running the first marathon before you even think about running the next one. I need to recover from the heart break of liking this boy before I think about liking another.

On the positive side: at least it is raining. I LOVE THE RAIN!!!! Rain calms my soul. Which believe me this is more coherent and calm then I have been recently.