Growing Up.....

Growing up is expensive, scary, and completely necessary.
So I have had a lot of changes all at once.
First, friends~ It has been a weird road and I don't regret anything that has happened because it has put me on the path that I am and it has made somethings possible but it is hard to feel like to do certain things and to be you that you have to give up friends that have meant the world to you.
Second, Apartment~ Since March I have been struggling to know where to live. I was going to move up North....didn't feel good about it. I was going to stay in Provo...didn't feel good about it. Finally, I felt like I just needed to move on with life. I decided to stay in Provo. After scoping out places with some fun girls we decided on a place. We announced our intention to sign contracts.....a couple days later the other two girls signed. It took me about three weeks to finally sign, then I looked at it again and immediately backed out because the one we signed for wasn't at all like the one we looked out. Then we lost one of the girls and gained another girl and kinda looked. Cancelled our old contract and were supposed to sign new ones but I just kept putting it off....and putting it off....and putting it off....nothing felt right. Then bam.....one day I looked at Craigslist and found a place...first one all year...I felt excited for....two days later still felt good....saw it and still felt good.....signed for it and still felt good. Here is the schocker it is up north in Sandy but really close to Midvale and 10 minutes from my school....WOW!!!!! Life changes so suddenly and I feel so good about it. Four out of the five girls in the house are teachers....YAY!!!!!
Third- Along with moving comes expenses...Now I have to furnish my own room...OUCH!!!! Luckily, I found CHEAP furniture. Unfortunately, my bed was 1,000. Man growing up is EXPENSIVE!!!!!!
Last item DATING~ Sometimes I am hopeful, sometimes depressed, sometimes I just don't care. Well I went on the BEST DATE of my LIFE a little bit ago. I was so excited. It has been a long time building and I thought that maybe for once this might be a different story. Well, WRONG.... see since I finally saw it as a possibility and I tried being open I stopped being interesting and I haven't heard from the guy since. Ah well!!!!! Now I just don't care. I am tired of the games and I just want to be me and maybe save up for some FUN VACATIONS next summer! Hopefully, I won't have to spend 1500 on my car this year and 40 a week in gas since I won't be commuting and putting so many miles on my car. And that will leave some money for a England vacation!!!!! I am going with people or alone I am just tired of waiting for other people so I am going with or without them!

Lots of random Thoughts updated

People have often criticized me or judged me for not always saying what is on my mind. I have been thinking about this a lot recently with all my free time and I do not see how this is a problem. Yes, occassionally I bottle up pain and emotion and so I act rashly and irrationally at moments. But you know I watch other people and some people are so willing to say whatever they want that they forget about other people's feelings and emotions. We get so caught in how we have been wronged or how we have been hurt, which I know I am guilty of, that we spout things off to try and get our point across that we forget there is always the other side. Most of the time when I say things that are on my mind it comes out wrong and it comes out because of anger or pain. I know that I have never expressed myself well under those conditions and it always causes more harm then good. I think that is true in so so many circumstances. Open communication is what is ideal but to often it doesn't happen and it isn't one person's fault. People claim that they speak their mind but no one really does. I don't care what you say if you say you always speak your mind you are lying to yourself.Also what is the point of saying things because people will believe what they want regardless.So often people hurt me and I never tell them. Why? Because I make the assumuption it was a mistake or it wasn't meant to be hurtful. So I brush it aside and I get over it and sometimes when the person does the same thing over and over again all the times come back and I explode but I am not sure it isn't better to give people the benefit of the doubt and hten get upset when it is obvious they meant harm or just don't know how to not hurt you, though as I have previously said the way I act when I explode is not the best and I need to work on the that aspect I am not ashamed of the rest. Maybe all these aspects mean I play a different game then everyone else. I am not one who always has to make it known when people have hurt me or wronged me. Heavens know sometimes I do stupid things when I am trying to protect myself. But the more I think about it the more I am happy. I don't go around assuming I know anyone and how they feel I just try to interpret and help the best possible. Sometimes I make mistakes but at the end of the day I always know that I tried to do what was right by everyone and sometimes that backfires or sometimes intially I was wrong but I try to make up for it. So what if I don't always tell people what I am feeling sometimes people don't need to know.
I used to think I was a optimist and in a certain way I am. I always believe the best of life and I always believe that things will work out for the best. I believe that hope is essential to survival. And I always assume that poeple don't mean to say mean things, don't mean to be hurtful, don't mean to be mean, and don't mean to be undependable. So I always put it on the line and I always go wholeheartedly into things. I trust people and I try to open up to them but over and over agian. More and more I find that people don't deserve it. So I guess I am not as optimistic as I thought because when it comes to people I assume that sooner or later they will let me down. Now this isn't even a betrayal but in other ways and things.

You know people have accused me of a lot of things but the one thing I can say beyond any doubt is that I do not lie to myself. Quite honestly I did for years. I made up stories to help me get through high school and insecurities. If I was lying to everyone including myself I was always always safe. Now the only person I never pretend with is myself. I am very aware of myself. Sometimes a little too aware of myself. I know when and why I am happy, when and why I am sad. There have been very very few times over the past year that my emotions have surprised myself. One of the benefits of it is I never feel the need to declare myself. I never feel the need to explain myself or my actions to anyone or I don't need to make declarations like I am happy, I am this, I am independent, or other things. Sometimes that comes out in conversation but I don't feel like it is anyone else's business if I am happy or not. If I am happy then I will just be happy and I don't need to make sure people know it. If I am sad or hurt I will just be sad and if it has something to do with you and I feel you need to know I will tell you. I guess sometimes I declare myself when I am feeling like other people have the need to declare themselves and I feel like they are doing that to say that I am not so I guess I cannot say I never declare myself. But for the most part I feel like it is no one's business and they don't need to know.
Like I have said in this entry, which is going on for forever, a lot of people judge me and say that I am wrong. You know what, they have no right to speak. Every person is different. Every person handles things differently. Is my way perfect? Not by a long shot but the more I see of other people and understand them the more I realize my way is the best way for me. It is not the only way but it is the best for me.
Well this is what a Week of summer break will do it makes my thoughts random and many. I have been thinking about a lot of things reccently and I have only touched the surface of them maybe I will get better as the summer progresses and being more specific and detailed.

Silver Lining

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And Ill keep believing

In clouds with that sweet silver lining

Most days
I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Somethings keeping me safe
And alive

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And Ill keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

I won't give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that Ive found it
Nothing can take that away

Highest Compliment you can get

Last week I was in charge of a celebration night at my school. I had to plan games, activities, power points,projects, performance, food, etc. Regardless I was very stressed and very very busy for a couple of days. The day of the night I had about ten kids that stayed after school till 8:30 at night helping me with everything. I became very bossy. Go there, do this, set up this, go get me a water, go yell at this person, it was command after command. And after awhile I feel really really bad about it.

So after we cleaned up and were walking out I said to one of the students that I was sorry for being so bossy. She said it wasn't a problem and she didn't see it that way. She didn't think I was being bossy and then she said, "I did everything you asked me to without question because you have my complete respect and so I am always going to do what you say." I was touched and it is the highest complete somebody could give me. I was so touched and then I thought even more about it.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Desribes Me Perfectly

Were you just kidding cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down we almost never speak
I don’t feel welcome anymore, baby what happened please tell me
Cause one second it was perfect and now you’re half way out the door

[Chorus]
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when he said forever and always
Ohh ohhh
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always


Was I out of line did I say something way too honest
That made you run and hide like a scared little boy
I looked into your eyes; thought I knew you for a minute
now I’m not so sure
So here’s to everything coming down to nothing
Here’s to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going, thought I knew for a minute
but I don’t anymore

General Conference is a HOLIDAY!!!!

So growing up my mom made General Conference one of the most looked forward times in my entire life. I am not kidding. Every time General Conference time comes around I get so excited. I feel like I am about to experience Christmas and it makes me SO SO HAPPY! I love it! My mom would dance around the house doing a countdown to General Conference. She would make all sorts of treats such as homemade rolls and cinnamon rolls. She would buy candy and she would show us how to spiritually prepare for it as well. Saturday Morning session was always a big breakfast and usually CREPES, so so good. Then in between sessions on sunday (sometimes not till after the second session) she would make a huge dinner of Ham or Roast; these are all special items and things that we don't get all the time and that set conference apart. These temporal things showed me that General Conference was special and should be honored and put aside from the rest of the world. Now, I don't always have a crepe breakfast or a special dinner but I still look forward to General Conference because it is special purely because of the spirit that accompanies it.

YES MOMENT!!!

Every once and awhile you have one of those moments where you realize that you are actually getting some where. So much of the time you go throughout life and you wonder if you are touching anyone or doing any good.

Well on friday it was a day where the kids were not at school and we had time to work together and to enter grades. So the kids have a day off and ten of them come in to visit me. The kids voluntarily came in to talk to me ON THEIR DAY OFF!!!! Yes, I would say that proves I am one of the coolest teachers EVER!!!!

Favorite SNL

What I learned

I am not sure if this is the lesson I was supposed to learn but I learned yet again that I cannot depend upon anyone else but myself. You see for a really long time I have tried to combat the things from my childhood that made me completely wall people out. Back in the day I realized that couldn't trust anyone, sooner or later they abuse me, take advantage of me, abandon me, betray me, and hurt me. So I decided the best defense was to keep everyone out and I was very successful.

Then as I was in college I decided that maybe that wasn't the best thing. It meant that I was completely closed off. It also meant that I was really really lonely. I realized that it was only hurting myself so I have worked very very hard to get past some of these issues. And I have started to let more people in.

But these past couple of weeks have been a major set back. The two people closest to me have completely let me down. One has been off the grid. I am in crisis mode major and I really need her advice and her help because I am completely falling apart but no matter how hard I tried I cannot get a hold of her. I know she has her own life and I am not mad but I just feel like that why should I let anyone in because they all let me down and when I depend on someone else I feel completely alone and lost when they can't/won't help me.

The other person has completely shut me out, ignored, and hurt me repeatedly. I really don't understand what has happened. I really don't understand why our friendship fell apart and it makes everything so much harder. I want to move on and forget but all this is doing is proving I cannot trust or depend upon anyone because they all let me down in the end. I don't know if this is the lesson I was supposed to learn but it is the one I did learn....AGAIN!

Something weird that I do

So today I was contemplating myself. You see I do something contradictory and weird. Whenever I need people the most I shut them all out. Usually it is after something that has caused me an immense amount of pain-which usually involves someone I trust betraying that trust and/ or abandoning me. So I need people but because I have been hurt by someone I trust I become distrustful of all people. Quite honestly I yell at myself for doing it but I test people. I figure if someone really wants to know what is going on then they will find a way in and to prove they are my friends. Honestly, I do this all subconcicous what I mean by that is that I am aware I do this and put them to the trust--I internally yell at myself when someone is trying to get through but I am still shutting them out because I want to talk- but for some reason they haven't passed the test. Yep, I have actually sat and wished that people would push me enough that I would be able to talk to someone and pull out of my own head because my head space is dangerous right now. I want friends and companionship but I am still making it impossible to reach me because you have to pass this test that I seem to be making people go through.

Now, one of the weird things is I don't know how to pass my own test because that is what I am not aware of. I just know that I am being unfair but I also cannot seem to stop myself. My fear is crippling me. I am also surprised and hurt by who is trying to get through and who isn't. Really this is the biggest shock. For example if I had put money on the people in my apartment about which one (or ones) would try and which ones would not try I would have lost a lot of money. And at least I am making one roommate happy because now she gets to be closer to another roommate because I am out of the picture and I know her well enough to know there is a part of her that hopes I stay this way so she can have that roommate as a close personal friend

I guess the moral of the story is that I know I am being difficult and I know that it is hard to be around me right now. For that I am sorry but also know I am trying. I am trying to fight my nature, although I am losing right now, I haven't given up the fight. Also know that I am hurting right now and cut me a little slack I am trying to pull myself out of it and trying to just give me a little time....and maybe a little Twilight....

Newest Poem

I started to work on this last night as I couldn't sleep and decide to finish it now:

Night a dear friend
Sleep the nicest comforter
During the day
Light up by the sun
All we think about is escape
Escape from the pain
Escape from the constant rejection
Escape from failure
The ache grows through the day
You try to forget and hide in the shadows
Sun moves and lights the shadows
Try some more
Try to smile
Try to pretend that everything is fine
Soon too weak
Pray for night and sleep
Try and try but sleep does not come
Where are you?
Where is my comfort?

Hmmm....seemed a lot better at 2am....maybe I will work on it some more.

Sleep

You're in the dark
There's no one left to call
And sleep's your only friend,
But even sleep can't hide you
From all those tears and all the pain
And all those days you wasted pushin' them away
It's your life, it's time you face it

Sleep is truly my only friend. Every night I pray for sleep to come swiftly so I can escape the pain and the ache that grows everyday. I try so so hard. But it evades me. I go to bed earlier and I still do not sleep. And for the last two nights when I have been on the verge of actually going to sleep at a decent hour my roommates come home/get loud and push sleep away. My apartment has a strange syndrome which is none of really can talk quietly. Whenever we talk we have to talk LOUDLY almost yelling. So I haven't been sleeping well which is just compounding the rest of the ache and pain. Then when I do finally sleep it is a restless sleep and pretty miserable. I just want one good nights rest so that I can maybe start to recover.

The Life of a Middle School Marm

Marm- what they used to school teachers in the 1800s

So my favorite thing about teaching is the kids...surprise, surprise. Most of the time it is because they really crack me up. Here a a couple of incidents recently..

The next couple are all from Mock Trial competition:


Jake: You have a friend name Jamie who is part of the crew?
Witness: Yes
Jake: You have called the crew a gang?
Witness: Yes
Jake: So Jamie is part of a gang named the crew?
Witness: Yes
Jake: So, you want us to believe that your friend Jamie is a gangsta?
Witness: yes, wait what?

Lawyer: So you are a bully?
Bradley: That's what she said.
Lawyer: You called out to Casey on March 31?
Bradley: Yeah, it is called reaching out

Then this is in forth period:

One of my kids always makes chicken noises and says he is a chicken, especially when he doesn't want to do work. One day he climbs into a cabinet I have I told him to get out and he said,"I can't because I am laying eggs..I am a chicken."It made me laugh.

Is it really the end?

You're freakin' out again
'Cause all your fears remind you
Another dream has come undone
You want somebody, just anybody
To bring some peace through your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light..

I will once again publicly announce that I spewed toxic waste. There is a slight difference this time. I said something I was actually feeling but in a very "vicious"way. I feel really bad for the way I voiced how I was feeling though I don't take it back either. I wish I had said it in a different way. Well I think it finally broke the friendship beyond repair. What is my problem?

I don't know all the answers to that question but I do know some of the answers. One of the issues is something that only one person knows about. But some of the other answers are easier. The one question I cannot answer is how did this end the friendship? After everything we have been through how is it possible that this is going to be the last straw and before this I would have told anyone who asked that I KNEW our friendship was stronger than this. But I was guess I was wrong. I was SO WRONG!

Throughout my life I have definitely been a contradiction because I am an open book and at the same time a fortress. What I mean by that is that I am who I am. I don't change my personality to impress anyone I am just me. But I hardly let anyone completely in. I can honestly say that in my recent history there have only been two people completely in. I have know have ruined the friendship with one of those people. The other one is missing in action meaning I have been trying to talk to her but she is in a mess with her own garbage and I don't want to harass her too much. So where does leave me? LONELY

There are other people who I am close with and know A LOT about me but not everything. So I try to talk to them about some things (though I cannot talk to them about the hardest issue because of how complicated it is). It also leaves me with a lot of guilt and pain. Last night was another sleepless night and the worst part is that my students are receiving the bulk of the punishment. Meaning I am tired, emotional taxed, and stress those making me grumpy, cranky, and impatient.

Then a year ago this weekend my best friend growing up died of cancer. I have dealt with that though some events, such as the anniversary, re-fresh some of those feelings. Which has compounded the pain of losing the friend as mentioned earlier. You see I didn't talk to the best friend before she died. Distance and time were factors on us drifting apart and I never got the chance to tell her just how much she meant to me. She was so influential and I always thought that we would be friends again someday, and I knew she was dying and thought about calling her everyday but was scared. Scared of what she would think or say to me because it was so long, scared she didn't want to talk to me and so I would be rejected, and finally worried about taking time away from her family. I have regretted those fears and the fact I didn't talk to her from the moment I got the news. So with this friendship falling apart at the same time as the anniversary it has made me really think.

I do not want the vicious thing I said to be the last time I talk to this friend. If they or I were to die I don't want this to be the last thing. What about all the times we laughed? Or all the times we were there for each other? Or how much we cared about each other? Is that all lost now? Possibly.

This all brings me back to the song quoted at the begining:

To bring some peace through your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light..

Back and Forth

For the past month I have been going back and forth on an issue and this week that was taken out of my hands. I no longer have a choice and it has happened.

This is not a good week when it comes to friends.
1. A year ago this saturday my best friend growing up died from cancer. I miss her! Which is really weird because towards the end of her life we were no longer that close. We lived in different towns and were in different phases of life. But I still loved her A LOT!!!!!! She was so great. Not perfect but she was the friend I needed while I was growing up.

2. My best friend who has supported completely blew me off. But I am okay I guess. I miss them but I will move on soon. I needed to find a new best friend anyways so there you go.

I am the Rule

I know that I am the rule but yet somehow I keep living my life as if I will someday.....beyond any reason to actually believe it....someday I might be an exception. WRONG!!!!

Words to live by: Orson Scott Card (borrowed from another blog)

A Crime of Heart... Breaking up with her and yet still hanging around, giving her hope that you will get back together when in fact you are merely lonely and using her till you find somebody better.

Tell the truth. Do it kindly, but do it. "I don't see this turning into any kind of long-term relationship, and I'm not going to waste your time or mine, when we ought to be finding someone else."

You might preface it with something decent and polite: "You're attractive and admirable. You're exactly the kind of woman I want to want to marry. But I'm not actually interested in marrying you, for reasons I don't understand and won't try to explain."

After you realize it yourself, the sooner you say it the better. And then get out of her life. Don't hang out with her. Even if you think she's "over you," she's not. There you are, a constant reminder that you didn't want her.

Don't send her little presents. Don't call her up and chat. Don't ask her for favors. Because that's what a guy who's courting a woman would do, and you're not that guy. Stay broken up. Go away.

Things we give up

I think I have already blogged about this before but I am doing it again. I have given up a lot of things in my life. Some of the things I have given up are really great things to give up. Others are things I genuinely miss. It also makes me wonder about the reason I have given up the good things in life.

I have chosen to be a teacher and I love it. There are no regrets with that decision but because of that decision some things naturally feel by the wayside. I knew that I was never going to be a concert pianist or a concert violinist....but does that mean that I should give them up completely. I still love playing the piano although I am easily intimidated because everyone plays the piano so well. I miss the feel of the strings under my fingers. I love pulling the bow across the strings. But I haven't played in forever.

Then there were other things I did that were just for me. Namely poetry....I have ruined my love for poetry again (as you can tell since I have posted some of the poems that I have written). I love the release that poetry brings to me . I love the clarity I get while I am writing. I love the freedom of expression.

Finally, I miss my range. I love singing!!!! And I even took lessons for awhile and I found that I had a much wider range than I ever thought I had before. I loved hitting those high notes and I love the power behind my voice because I had the confidence to sing and sing. I miss that. I have lost my range (which happens when you don't practice) I have lost my skills and I have lost my words. I have given up a lot of things that I didn't have to. I neglected them and I miss them. I want them back.....I NEED THEM BACK!!!!! I know that it is all within my power I just have to practice.

Remember Me

Lord Remember me
I cannot go alone
Each Day I stumble
You pick me up
When lost in darkness
You bring me light
My hope rests in you
Rests in your promises
You remembered Rachel
So Lord remember me


Lord remember me
I cling to my faith
Prophet's promises
and a father's blessing
I trust in the atonement
While I struggle through
the days
I fell lonely
Yet, I know you are with me
You remembered Rachel
Oh, Lord remember me

Storm Rages

The Wind blows
Brutally against the branches
The leaves are swept violently
Up and Down
Endlessly circling
Never Slowing
The Sky darkens
Clouds pour down
Rough streams of water
Inside the house
People look out windows
And see a calm spring afternoon
Only one person sees-
Ventures out
and sits down in the storm
She listens to the
wind, leaves, and rain
But more
She hear what the wind
Doesn't say
Or the leaves
Don't rustle in rememberance
Or the Sadness behind the
Rain
After she hears
She understands
She alone tries to calm
The Elements