Heat Wave finally comes- My poor students

So far this summer has been very mild. As of the middle of August Utah never had hit 100 degrees yet. For some this might be good news but for me this was not. I knew Utah would have to have a major heat wave before summer could end and I personally would rather that heat wave be in July. Why does it matter you might ask? Because my school does not have Air Conditioning and have you ever tried to teach 40 middle schoolers (yes about two of my classes have 40 students in them) in 105 degree temperature all crowded in a room? You have probably not had that experience but trust me when I say I would not wish it on my enemies. But that is what I have been doing for the past two weeks.

In fact, we were having so many heat related issues, such as kids getting light headed or have a heat related emergency that they had to announce that you could keep your kid at home no questions asked if you didn't want them in the heat. Unfortunately, that rule did not apply to teachers, in fact we were told we couldn't stay home because there are not enough subs as it is. So I was stuck in a very hot room all day with kids who could not keep their eyes open because they were so hot and they were MISERABLE!!!! My poor students...POOR ME!!!!

As bad as the heat is I do have to say there is a benefit: I don't turn on my A/C as much at home. Yep after four years of no air conditioning at school my body has adjusted and so know any temperature below about 78 is really cold to me. I am the girl who wears sweatshirts in May because I am cold. I also take blankets into restaurant (do you notice how cold they make those places I think the thermostat is like at 72 and that is REALLY COLD). Most days I go home and turn on a fan and that keeps me plenty cool. So I my electric bill is smaller than most people's in the summer. Though there is one place I keep the temperature down at like 62- my car. After being in my hot school and room all day I love to get my car frigid on the way home.

The last thing I want to share when it comes to heat is an exchange I had with a student (well I was talking to the whole class.

Me: Notice I have a lot of fans going in my room to try and keep things cool be respectfully. We are all in this heat together since the school doesn't have air conditioning.
Student shouts out: The school doesn't have air conditioning!!!! No wonder it is so blasted hot!
Me: You didn't know that?
Student: No, I thought you guys were just not turning it on to torture us.
Me: Trust me, if we had it we would be using it
Student: Not if you were trying to save money.
Me: (silence....) Well we don't have air conditioning to worry about so be nice to the fans because they help it to be a cool as possible. ( I really didn't know what else to say to the kid)

I have to say though that exchange makes me laugh and of course I shared it with all my fellow teachers who laughed as well. Gotta Love the innocent and slightly naive seventh graders. At least this kid is sufficiently scared of teachers if he believed we would make sit in 105 degree weather just to torture him.

School is in Session!!!

So I was actually watching Julie and Julia. It made me think of my own blog and how I haven't been able to blog in forever. School has started again and my life is becoming a runaway train yet again. This year I have to worry about all 400 students at once. That is right folks I have double the papers to grade and the quizzes to plan. As I get used to this new schedule I have often been overwhelmed. Normally by the end of the first week I know all of my students' names and this year I am not even close to knowing them. It is a lot of students and it is a lot to worry about all at once and sometimes I feel like the task is daunting and that my best is never going to be close to good enough. Thank heavens for good friends who pick me up and remind that all things are possible and they have my back.

I will shortly be yet again be sharing with the world, or whoever reads my blog, the stories of a School Marm and you to will laugh at what I have to share. But I would like to note a few things, firstly signs of my old self came back today. I thought it was possible that girl was lost forever but alas I have found her and it was fun to find small pieces of myself. Lastly, I was also thinking about how my favorite entries on my blog are when I share my poetry with the world. But I haven't written anything in awhile. That is one thing I can change for sure. Heaven knows my mind is constantly cluttered with thoughts and feelings, in fact sometimes I feel like I cannot contain everything I am feeling and so I know more than ever I need to get back to poetry.

Well, I am signing off for now with all these scattered thoughts in my head hopefully this entry made sense. Now, that I am back to my regularly scheduled life though and no longer on summer break I will be better about blogging.

FOURTH OF JULY TRIBUTE

So as a Historian Teacher I couldn't not pass up the opportunity of saying something to honor America today. So my tribute on Independence Day is to a Founding Father that DEFINITELY does not get enough credit: JOHN ADAMS! Seriously, for those of you who has studied his life you know exactly what I am talking about. We constantly honor George Washington but who is the person who got him appointed as Commander of the Continental Army? John Adams. Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence based on the legal arguments created by a lawyer named....John Adams. Who told the French the only way we would win the war was if they increased their Naval support of the US? John Adams. And in case you didn't know it that is how America won the war is with France navy. When America needed money who got Amsterdam to give us money to fight the war? John Adams. He was an amazing man and he knew that he was sacrificing everything for something he would never be alive to see. He knew America would be an amazing country with lots of opportunities. He had integrity and always tried to make decisions based on what was best for the country and not what would make him problem. He was a true man of honor and while Jefferson became a political party man and did some horrible things as our first politician. John Adams hated political parties and tried to stay our of the game and out of the any party and this lead to him losing the election. He doesn't get the credit for everything he did for America and he is remembered as often as other Founding Fathers but in my humble opinion I believe he was one of the greatest and best Founding Fathers.

The True Reason to Love food

I have been at school activities till 8 or 9 almost every night this week which led me to needing to buy fast food and eat on the run yet again. So as I pulled through the Wendy's drive-thru to hurry to my next competition/meeting it made me pause and reflect on how lonely picking up fast food really is. Then I began to smile as I remember my favorite times and most of them involve food but that isn't what made them my favorite times.

For those of you who don't know me well let me tell you. I LOVE entertaining. I love cooking a big meal and inviting people around. I love baking and cooking for a ton of people. I love the compliments for the food. But the biggest reason I love to cook for people is it brings us together and allows for the friendships to blossom and to get to know people really differently.

Most of the time I would cook all by myself and clean up after everyone would leave. Part of this was quite honestly I didn't trust people to prepare the food properly. I knew I could make the dishes well. But there was always one person I would let help me in the kitchen and he was one of the most fun people to cook with. I remember singing in the kitchen and just laughing the whole time we were cooking. It some of my fondest memories. I cannot tell you one incident that something hilarious was said because it wasn't like that. Instead it was the quiet comfort and security that I was with one of my best friends and I was happy. I wasn't stressed out but I was content that no matter what we were doing we were there for each other and we could make ANYTHING fun. And he always helped me clean up and would push me away if I tried to help, but I always got my way and we did it together.

I also remember that it was Brian's birthday and we had his apartment over and we just had so many laughs that day. The highlight was that we made Brian wear a princess crown. Then there was the day that Adam and a bunch of people came over for dinner. We just had so much fun that they stayed and talked for about 3-4 hours.

I would throw conference parties. After General Conference if people wanted a good meal they knew where to go and it was great because we would go over the topics and talk about as young people and then again we had a TON OF FUN!!!

If it wasn't a Conference dinner or a Breakfast dinner it could be a breakfast just because. I love to make crepes and just sit in our pajamas and have so much fun starting a day with really good friends.

Those dinners were the highlight of my social life. Parties are great but sometimes you don't get to know people any better you just have a lot of fun. Church activities are so many people that you move around to make sure you spend time with all the people. Whereas those dinners might have 12-20 people but that was still an intimate group compared to other activities and it led to conversations for hours. It was those dinners that friendships went deeper and I truly got to know people and they were ALWAYS a blast. We would laugh so much my stomach would hurt.

I miss eating with people and being surrounded by friends. I cannot wait till I get a place I feel comfortable inviting people over and once again doing my favorite hobby of cooking. I miss that interaction, the good food, but most of all the wonderful friendships that were built.

March Madness

March Madness has a WHOLE different meaning to me. I wish that it was all about basketball but that is not the case for me. In fact, I did not have enough time to catch even ONE basketball game. Which is especially upsetting because of the things Jimmer was doing this year. But that is not the case for me. March Madness all revolves around the fact that I have both Mock Trial and Debate. I have been to a total of 11 trials. I have had a practice till 5 after school about twice a week. Then I have been putting a Debate competition together for March 30 at my school and having all these people come to compete. It has been crazy. So crazy in fact that I am having a hard time being coherent about it right now. On top of planning a competition and everything else I had to put on a breakfast for the entire faculty on Monday March 28; for which I had two people completely bail on me and refuse to help in my toughest time of the year and leave it all on my shoulders. While stressing out about that my Mock Trial team went to the semi-finals and won. After the competition the head person in charge told me the finals were on March 30 (if you didn't connect the dots that is the same day as the Debate competition I was hosting at my school and in charge of). I told the lady that wouldn't work because of the problem and could we reschedule she said we had to make it work or we would not compete. So that is what I did. I ran around the entire school....literally I have the blisters to prove it. I got a couple teachers to supervise after I started the Debate comp. Debate comp started at 3pm and at 4:45 I left on the bus to Mock Trial. I got back at 9:30 and then it took me forever to unwind so I didn't go to bed till 1am. So yesterday I was wiped I was exhausted and SORE!!! I did not even realize how much tension I have been holding in my back and shoulders for this entire month until everything was said and down and everything just ached and ached.

My Pledge to my Friends

For all of those who know me when I am in your corner I am relentless. I would drop everything and anything for a friend in need. Especially for the ones I love unconditionally. I heard these words the other day and I realized this is my pledge to the people in my life.

And I won't let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Wont let you go
No I won't

Ch..Ch...Changes

There are a lot of things I am very concerned right now and occupy nearly my every waking thoughts. The first one being my students, in particular my Mock Trial kids and having them come together and work as a team. The new students that I just have seem great but I miss some of my old favorites from last semester. The second concern is living conditions. To live on my own or not is the question. My roommate is buying a house. She is great and is so excited. She also found a GREAT DEAL!!! This house needs some improvements but for the neighborhood and the price she is getting it for it is a STEAL!!! I mean it. But her buying this house has made me face what I am doing sooner than when I wanted to and it has actually made me really concerned what is the best for me. So I am going to write Pros and Cons as follow

Pro of the house with my roommate:
Nice Location
Cheaper than current room
Trust the roommates
We are respectful of each others' space
Free to do my own thing
Close to School
Save Money

Cons of the house with my roommate:
TEENY TINY ROOMS, seriously my bed will take up one room and I would have to put a lot of my stuff in other places around the house. (Suggestion by the roommate if you wondered)

GROSS, OLD BATHROOM!!!!! Seriously nasty, and the showers are so so short!

Then my roommate said to me, "We get along so well living together because we all just do our separate things and stay in our rooms. I don't even need to buy a coach for the house." Where she is saying this is a pro, I put it firmly in the cons. If I am going to be sharing space with people, at this point of my life, I want to be friends with my roommates and do stuff with them and throw parties with them and have fun with them. Otherwise what is the point of living with people.

Don't know who gets what, such as parking and rooms in the house

So where does this leave me...RENTING MY OWN PLACE!!!! It is so exciting to me. I just get so happy thinking of being on my own and not dealing with roommate crap.

Pros:
MY OWN SPACE!!!!!
No drama!!!!

Cons:
Have to buy more furniture
MORE EXPENSIVE!! That is scary to me. Really scary I like saving money and having plenty to do whatever I like because I am careful with my money. This would make it nearly impossible.

Reflecting on 2010

I, like everyone else, have taken sometime at the beginning of this new year to look over the past year. I have to say that all in all 2010 was not too shabby especially when compare to 2009. For those of you who were not paying attention or didn't know 2009 sucked. There is nothing different I can say about it other than it SUCKED A LOT. I was so glad to see 2009 end. 2010 was a little different there was still a lot of residual problems and issues left over from 2009 but all in all it was so much better and not only that but this time as the new year came I felt hopefully with the prospects of what 2011 will bring into my life which again I didn't feel last year, last year my only feelings were please please make it better than 2009, but I wasn't excited. This year I am excited. A lot of things began going in a positive direction in my life. Now not to say it was a great year but it started to turn around and head in better directions. That being stated I hope that 2011 will actually have exciting things in it.
Only a month in and there are some things I am planning and looking forward to, namely right now I am trying to get it together to finally visit Washington D.C. I feel like a fraud for not having been and being a History teacher but I plan on going this summer and stopping other places in the East. This makes me so excited to have something fun to do this summer so now I have something to look forward to and to plan on. I am also going to try and go to a summer seminar that sounds way good, also in the east.
Other things is that I am determined, call it a New Years resolution is you please, to find myself again. Recently I have been so caught up in stress, pain, drama, and healing to really be me. I am determined to be the girl who would knew everyone in the ward and who could always find people to be friends. I used to love huge crowds because it was more people to socialize with. I used to go out of my way to find the people who didn't have a group and give them one. The past two years that girl got lost, and in fact that girl was the one without a group or friends and I remember praying and praying that someone would find me and help me. Unfortunately no one really did but now more than ever I know how important it is to reach out, I don't feel as weak or lonely anymore so I am going to use this momentum to push forward and find myself and then find them.

Otherwise, I am going to keep moving forward in my progression. I am excited for 2011 and that feels good, in fact that feels like step one in getting back to my old self. It is exciting and wonderful to feel excitement again and to feel like their are possibilities out there for me.

Higher Window

I love Josh Groban, as so many of you out there probably do. He is amazing. But the thing that effects me more than anything is when any artist speaks to me and to my life. This song by Josh Groban speaks to me and my life right now.

For all the times I tried for this
And every chance at you I missed
I’ve been known to go my way
But I confess it made me miss you more

I drew my line across the sand
And set my flag in no-man’s-land
But here I am here I am, the one man band
With a song that’s meant for two

And there is a light from a higher window
Shining down on you tonight

And the music floats on the breeze
Bringing an easier time
And all of our cards are on the table
Tell me what you want to do
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
For me to love you

How perfect we were meant to be
Our warm and silent symmetry
It’s times like these when all
All we need is to be reminded

Oh, and I’ve flown a thousand miles
To empty room and crowded aisles
And we went from cathedral bells
To show-and-tell and wish-you-wells
And I still look at you and I am blinded I am blinded

Because there is a light from a higher window
Shining down on us tonight
And the music floats on the breeze
From an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table
Tell me what you want to do
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
Don’t tell me that it’s too late now
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
For me to love you

Christmas Makes My Soul Sing

It is that time of year again. It is Christmas time!!!! In my family you begin watching movies and listening to music on November 1st. So far being an adult has gotten in the way of my Holiday Celebrations but I watched my first Christmas movie today. I happened to have some time and I chose the class Santa Clause with Tim Allen. But don't worry I have been enjoying Christmas music all week. While I ran I rocked out to music and while my kids worked again I got to enjoy some holiday tunes to put a smile on my face.

Regardless of what you may think of this tradition to start Christmas so soon I bet none of you would disagree that Christmas puts a smile on your face. It reminds me of some of the happiest times of my life. I remember going to a Christmas program and walking in Salt Lake City with Jason and Kyle. I remember my family singing and performing Christmas music. I love gathering around with my family and making beautiful music together, me on the violin, Lori on the flute, and Brent on the piano or even sometimes the trombone. Some of my best memories is listening to my Mother's beautiful voice sing while she worked in the kitchen and she let me help. For those of you who have complimented my cooking all the credit goes to the woman who trained me and who is an AMAZING cook herself my mother. I know I made her job and her cooking harder but she always made me feel like Christmas baking in particular was meant to be a family affair. I remember Christmas Mornings gathered in my parents room and praying. I remember my family playing games after Christmas dinner. Now as we are growing up we stay up on Christmas Eve as well playing games and enjoying the adult time after the kids are in bed. I love being around my nieces and nephews as they struggle to calm themselves to sleep so Santa can come and they wake up ready to see what they got. I remember all the Hot Chocolate get togethers are my various apartment through the years and being surrounded by friends. I remember decorating for Christmas now and when I was younger. I remember the joy of watching Christmas movies with my family or dear friends. I love all the pictures I have ever taken.

Whatever you think of when you think of Christmas I hope it includes LOVE. That is why I love Christmas is because there is so much love being shared. Love being shown a daughter by a mother in a kitchen making caramel and fudge. Love being shown to a girl by a boy who is her best friends. By a husband to his wife as he tries to surprise her for Christmas (this one I have seen through my father and brothers especially Scotty!) Love being shared by friends who are not at home to bring Christmas to this single life. Love being shown to strangers in need or on the street. It is the love we feel that makes me feel happy. The lights that shine on the trees and the music are just a tool used to remind me of the love that I feel when I am with my family and my friends.

Finally this love is just a small piece of the love Christ has for us and Heavenly Father has for us. To me that is amazing. That Christmas brings such a small piece Love when compared to how infinitely the Lord loves us. Christmas makes my soul sing with joy and love.

Taking back the Power

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

No matter how true those words are can I express my gratitude that things are changing for me. I remember that I had a Bishop, someone who was supposed to be my spiritual adviser say some really hurtful things to me. I went home and called my friend Jane and cried on the phone. Jane's responses was, "I bet you tried to make him feel okay about saying those awful things and while your heart broke you tried to make sure he was okay." It was totally true my heart was broken into tiny pieces and I felt horrible about myself but I was really worried about he felt.

Second scenario: I had a friend. She was so much fun. When you want to have a dance party she should be the first person on everyone's invite list. But she would say things to me that would crush me on a regular basis and I would never say things. Sometimes I would hide from her for awhile but I was always afraid to hurt her. She was fragile and didn't take criticism AT ALL. She really did not like anyone else telling her that she did anything wrong and she would never believe she actually did. So to make her happy and to keep the peace I would hide and hurt without saying anything.

I could go on and on about all the different times in my life that to make everyone else happy I just hid and hurt. I did, and in some ways still do,constantly want other people's permission to decide for myself. But guess what!!! I have taken many major steps in the last three months of my life of telling people that I no longer desire nor am I waiting for their approval or permission to be me and decide for myself. And I have to say it feels amazingly. So here is what I have to say to all you people who made me hurt and hide and all you guys expecting me to do anything to keep you happy!!!!

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Memories in hindsight

This weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about memories and go through my old memories. Last week my students were asking me about the friends that I have in my life that have played an important role in my life. I talked to them about people from Erika, Doug, and Elizabeth from high school to my college roommates and friends. They then asked me how I met the different people. It made me laugh to remember all the different ways I met these important people in my life. I even contacted a bunch of them to see if they remembered because for me they brought up so many fond and good memories. One of my friends told a different story then I remember for when we first met, this made me want to see if I could find the truth. So I started to go through my old journals to try and find the answer and I received a HUGE SHOCK!!! This meeting was never in my journals. In fact, I enjoyed going through my journals and reliving things so much I read pretty much all my journals from 2004 to present and I continued to be shocked by the things I spent pages talking about and detailing and the things I neglected to record. I guess it is all about hindsight but I feel like some of the most important moments in my life were the ones that I skipped whereas I covered some of the most boring and stupid things.

It isn't amazing that at the time we are going through something it seems like the biggest deal in the world. I also found it hysterical how many boys I have been in love with and stated, I have never felt like this before and all of them are nothing to me now. I thought I had grown up by the time I was 23 but those statements and entries show a whole different story. I think about how time and perspective have taught me a lot of important lessons and though I still can get caught up in some of the mundane things I also realize what I want in my journal. More about the important people that forever changed my life, for example I have already rectified one of my friends and added the how we met story and I plan on doing that for more, also adding how I felt when Erika died and how I still feel about that (it needs to be recorded), and I also realize that the biggest thing missing from my journals is stories of my students. Every day they make me laugh and I am honored to be able to associate with them but they are also missing from most of the journals. I need to take more time to remember the reasons I love teaching and to relate the stories of being a modern day school marm (I love that word, it was used in the 1800s for the school teacher in the one room schoolhouse) and enjoy the laughs they bring to me.

SOAP BOX!!!

This week I have become very frustrated with my fellow teachers!! Don't get me wrong. I love my colleagues and even the colleague in particular who is the reason I am on my soap box is also AMAZING in so so so many ways. But I cannot believe some of the bais that she expressed this week. She is dumbing down the material because she assumes that they cannot use the textbook. I find it professionally insulting that she is dumbing down material and I find it personally insulting because she is teaching 8th grade, which means she is teaching my students from last year. Those are my students whom I love and adore. I think they are amazing but I also know that they can read a teacher and know how to get easy work.

First let me say that I teach at a very very unique school. Half of our population come from all over the district for our gifted program. By the time these students are in ninth grade we are teaching them 10th grade English and they are taking AP Science and Social Studies. They are amazing and so much fun in every way. The other half of my school is low socio-economic (they are POOR, lots of free and reduced lunch) and a lot of ESL students and Special Ed students. They are the two extremes in every district and they are in the same school. I am blessed because I get to teach them all and I love them all. The gifted kids are fun because we get to go so much deeper into things and they love to discuss. The boundary kids are so wonderful because once you win them over you can push them to achieve and see so much growth, plus they will ALWAYS love LOVE YOU. You can yell at them and chew them out and 5 minutes later they are talking about how you are their favorite teacher. It is amazing. As a teacher at my school says, the Gifted kids keep you sane but the boundary kids make it worth it. I love my boundary kids and I have the hardest time letting them go because they can be AMAZING!!!! I also know how capable they are and how they are the ones that are used to people going easy on them or thinking that are not as capable, they lose respect for you when you fall for it so it becomes harder to win them over.

So getting to my rant of the week: The most disrespectful thing a teacher can do for the boundary kids is to dumb things down. WE ARE THE TEACHERS!!! It is our job to give them HIGH EXPECTATIONS and HELP them REACH IT!!! Don't just say they cannot read and then give them an easier textbook. They can find context clues, they know how to use the index and when you give them easier material you are not helping them achieve more, you are treating them like they are DUMB!!! They lose respect for you and themselves. THEY CAN DO IT!!!! Yes, they probably cannot just read a chapter from the textbook, but I teach the gifted kids and they cannot even do that. Reading a chapter is boring, don't do it. But they can get important information from the chapters with a worksheet, they can read parts of the textbooks, they can use pictures to find even more information. It also shouldn't be the ONLY thing you use to give them information, because that is just bad teaching to only use the textbook or a worksheet to teach something for the high and low level kids both. You hold their feet to the fire and you make them do it. The worst thing you can do as a teacher is to dumb things down. Also the stuff they will love and make them excited is often the hard stuff but it is what will get them excited. SO SUPPORT THEM and they can do it!!!! I feel really strongly about it. For example, Primary sources are hard but if they like what it is talking about they will do the hard work to understand it. In fact so strongly about it I have been thinking about telling one teacher that I will come teach their class and show them how capable the students are. Stop looking at a test score that most of the teachers don't agree with ( it is a reading level test called the SRI) and start pushing and challenging the students. They will meet the challenge and they will respect you more for them. After all our job is not to survive the year or to make our lives easier our job is to help them be the most successful they can possibly be and to prepare them for the world. They need to be treated like they are capable. Especially our population is so used to the world makes a judgment that they are not capable and will be stuck in the poverty cycle. We, as teachers, need to know that the way to break the cycle is through education and that only works is if we push them to meet higher expectations. I don't know if there is anything else I feel stronger about when it comes to teaching then we need to set the standards high and then help the students reach it.

ODE to Mini-Fridge

ODE to my MINI-FRIDGE

Three Hot years in a school with no air conditioning
August, September, May, and June hitting 100 degrees at time
Sometimes just wishing I could melting because it would be cooler
So hot I cannot even think
Not even knowing the joy I was missing till you came along
Now Cold water at all times YAY YAY YA
Cold Water on a hot afternoon is AMAZING!!!!
Cold Water morning, noon, and night
It is love true love with your icy coldness
Thank you Thank you Thank you
You have saved my students from the hot grouchy mess I could be
You have also made my life much more pleasant
I sing your praises Mini-Fridge please continue to serve me well

More Lyrics I love

o I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I would have missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Broken!

I love Paramore in general. They are one of my favorite groups and one the biggest reason why is that so so many of their songs speak to me. I really love it.

'Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole

How true is that? I believe we are all broken. We all have issues that make us broken and a need to reach out to be restored. It is actually the fact we are broken and need the atonement that makes us reach for more than we can on our own. "This reliance upon the merciful nature of God is at the very center of the gospel Christ taught. I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair.From the beginning, trust in such help was to give us both a reason and a way to improve, an incentive to lay down our burdens and take up our salvation. There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, “beyond [his] own.”The Savior reminds us that He has “graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.” Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.Brothers and sisters, whatever your distress, please don’t give up and please don’t yield to fear." Jeffrey Holland

Secrets Shhh!!!!

I have been thinking a lot about secrets recently. It was all when I heard a creepy haunting melody. I think the fact the melody is creepy and the words are kinda disturbing play a role on why this song has been in my head, sincerely it kinda creeps me out and gives me nightmares.

Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
                       Won't tell what I said
                 Cause two can keep a secret
                  If one of them is dead…

It made me start to think about secrets and what they mean and what role they play in people's lives. We all hold on to secrets like they are the most important things. We use secrets to have power over other people. Or the fact that we know people's secrets makes us feel good about ourselves and better than other people. But is that truly the case...

Like I said I have been thinking about this a lot. Secrets have always been central in my life because I have always kept myself a secret from most of the world. So the role secrets play in my life is HUGE!!! Seriously, secrets are one of the most important things to me. But are the secrets helping or hurting me. That is the part I have been questioning a lot recently. I keep everyone at a safe distance so they cannot hurt me but because I keep them at a safe distance I am often alone with all my secrets. As I was already contemplating the role secrets play in my life I have fallen in love with the One Republic song, which is not haunting and creepy, and says:

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'mma tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

I really thought a lot about this. I don't have any shame in my life and I really am sick of all the insincere. For awhile I really thought that maybe I should give all my secrets away. Maybe the burden really is to great and it is only holding me back. And though I think I do need to be more willing to give my secrets away because it can get lonely and like a prison that there is a place for secrets in our lives. Sometimes secrets protect the people we love most in the world from others who do not know them. Sometimes secrets aren't true secrets they are more confidential information. As long as we are not trying to hide things and deceive people I do believe that secrets have a role in a life and that it is okay to have secrets. So in the past month, because this started around June 20th, I have come full circle with secrets. From hiding all my secrets from the world and hiding myself, to hating them and how they give people power over me, to wanting to give all my secrets away, to realizing that I don't need to give all my secrets away to let people get to know me and realizing that secrets can play a vital and successful role in my life. Think about your own secrets? Which ones do you need to give away and let go of? Which ones have a health portion of your life? I know I am still taking inventory. The only thing I know for sure is I don't want my secrets to be the barrier between me and the people I love most in the world anymore.

Baptism!!!

This past weekend my whole family got together because our oldest niece and nephew got baptized!!! Yes, I totally hit the Jack Pot my oldest sister was the first one to have kids and she had twins that was one boy and one girl so I love being able to go through all the firsts with both genders at the same time. We had the first day of school, first piano recital, etc... And I love them. Jesselyn is my Princess. Ryan is my Knight. I love them and how they call me to talk about life. It was fun to have all my family together.
On the negative side: My grandma came to town. I have never been that close with my grandma. She has always been hard on me and has thought our family, as in my dad's kids, are spoiled elitist. She has always had a double standard and it has always been hurtful to me. Recently my grandma has been diagnosed with alzheimer's disease. I have found that my patience for her isn't as good as it should be. I had the same conversation with her on repeat for four days straight. It was always about the Jordan District Split that happened at least three years ago, what grade I teach (my mom started to keep count and I told her at least 25 times that I taught middle school at Midvale and the subject I teach was history.) That was the bummer part having to have the same conversation on a loop. Until I turned it into a game and started to see how many different ways I could answer the same question or give the same information.

O how I have missed you

I always thought I wasn't really a piano person. It was always the hurdle I had to jump over to get to where I really wanted to be with my VIOLIN!!! And I still love my violin. It is my favorite instrument by far. But I have been playing the piano at home and now I realized how much I have missed it. I love having my hands fly along the keys. I love how I feel hearing the music flow. It is like coming home. It makes me so so happy! I love it with all my heart. I just feel so much more relaxed and happy then I have in a long time. I knew I was missing music but I didn't realize how much I was missing it till I have felt more complete since I have been home and been able to play. This solidifies my need to own a keyboard.

Things I regret

I was talking to my roommate tonight and it made me start to think about the things I regret
1. I regret giving up Piano lessons for Voice Lessons when I was a Junior
2. I regret not taking Voice Lessons for longer (yes I know that it contradictory but it is true)
3. I regret that at BYU I was so intimidated by the talent around me I gave up. I stopped practicing piano, violin, or voice so know all of them are rusty and I want to get them all back
4. I regret not holding on to the things that are important to me because now when I want them and a need them they seem so far away and I feel like I wasted so much talent and potential
5. I regret not taking the book binding class at BYU-A LOT!!!!!
6. I regret not taking more dance classes at BYU, but this is actually the one that is the least on the list it is just awkward when you are a 6 foot tall girl.
7. I regret not holding on stronger to a couple of friends.
8. I regret not telling some of the most important people in my life that I loved them and couldn't live without them
9. I regret that I cannot tell the people I miss I miss them
10. I regret this past semester at school because I got so focused on Mock Trial I did not build the relationships with my students I am used to building.
11. I regret not taking time to learn and to do art
12. I regret not keeping up my writing by not writing my stories and poems.
I think that is it for now.
13. I regret not going to the Micheal Buble concert this year
14. I regret not going to Josh Groban, I didn't know it would be so long before he toured again.