Lots of random Thoughts updated

People have often criticized me or judged me for not always saying what is on my mind. I have been thinking about this a lot recently with all my free time and I do not see how this is a problem. Yes, occassionally I bottle up pain and emotion and so I act rashly and irrationally at moments. But you know I watch other people and some people are so willing to say whatever they want that they forget about other people's feelings and emotions. We get so caught in how we have been wronged or how we have been hurt, which I know I am guilty of, that we spout things off to try and get our point across that we forget there is always the other side. Most of the time when I say things that are on my mind it comes out wrong and it comes out because of anger or pain. I know that I have never expressed myself well under those conditions and it always causes more harm then good. I think that is true in so so many circumstances. Open communication is what is ideal but to often it doesn't happen and it isn't one person's fault. People claim that they speak their mind but no one really does. I don't care what you say if you say you always speak your mind you are lying to yourself.Also what is the point of saying things because people will believe what they want regardless.So often people hurt me and I never tell them. Why? Because I make the assumuption it was a mistake or it wasn't meant to be hurtful. So I brush it aside and I get over it and sometimes when the person does the same thing over and over again all the times come back and I explode but I am not sure it isn't better to give people the benefit of the doubt and hten get upset when it is obvious they meant harm or just don't know how to not hurt you, though as I have previously said the way I act when I explode is not the best and I need to work on the that aspect I am not ashamed of the rest. Maybe all these aspects mean I play a different game then everyone else. I am not one who always has to make it known when people have hurt me or wronged me. Heavens know sometimes I do stupid things when I am trying to protect myself. But the more I think about it the more I am happy. I don't go around assuming I know anyone and how they feel I just try to interpret and help the best possible. Sometimes I make mistakes but at the end of the day I always know that I tried to do what was right by everyone and sometimes that backfires or sometimes intially I was wrong but I try to make up for it. So what if I don't always tell people what I am feeling sometimes people don't need to know.
I used to think I was a optimist and in a certain way I am. I always believe the best of life and I always believe that things will work out for the best. I believe that hope is essential to survival. And I always assume that poeple don't mean to say mean things, don't mean to be hurtful, don't mean to be mean, and don't mean to be undependable. So I always put it on the line and I always go wholeheartedly into things. I trust people and I try to open up to them but over and over agian. More and more I find that people don't deserve it. So I guess I am not as optimistic as I thought because when it comes to people I assume that sooner or later they will let me down. Now this isn't even a betrayal but in other ways and things.

You know people have accused me of a lot of things but the one thing I can say beyond any doubt is that I do not lie to myself. Quite honestly I did for years. I made up stories to help me get through high school and insecurities. If I was lying to everyone including myself I was always always safe. Now the only person I never pretend with is myself. I am very aware of myself. Sometimes a little too aware of myself. I know when and why I am happy, when and why I am sad. There have been very very few times over the past year that my emotions have surprised myself. One of the benefits of it is I never feel the need to declare myself. I never feel the need to explain myself or my actions to anyone or I don't need to make declarations like I am happy, I am this, I am independent, or other things. Sometimes that comes out in conversation but I don't feel like it is anyone else's business if I am happy or not. If I am happy then I will just be happy and I don't need to make sure people know it. If I am sad or hurt I will just be sad and if it has something to do with you and I feel you need to know I will tell you. I guess sometimes I declare myself when I am feeling like other people have the need to declare themselves and I feel like they are doing that to say that I am not so I guess I cannot say I never declare myself. But for the most part I feel like it is no one's business and they don't need to know.
Like I have said in this entry, which is going on for forever, a lot of people judge me and say that I am wrong. You know what, they have no right to speak. Every person is different. Every person handles things differently. Is my way perfect? Not by a long shot but the more I see of other people and understand them the more I realize my way is the best way for me. It is not the only way but it is the best for me.
Well this is what a Week of summer break will do it makes my thoughts random and many. I have been thinking about a lot of things reccently and I have only touched the surface of them maybe I will get better as the summer progresses and being more specific and detailed.

Silver Lining

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And Ill keep believing

In clouds with that sweet silver lining

Most days
I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Somethings keeping me safe
And alive

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And Ill keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

I won't give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that Ive found it
Nothing can take that away