BRAZEN Mouse

       My school is old. It was built in 1951. It has no air conditioning and it has many other issues. For years I have known about and even seen evidence of the mice that would live in an old school like mine. But this mouse was FEARLESS and BRAZEN.
    The relationship between the mouse and I started innocent enough. I thought I heard some scurrying when I first walked in and turned on the light in the morning. Then one morning in the corner of my eye I thought I saw something move and go under a door but I brushed it off and moved on until it could not be ignored.
     One monday I cam in and there was the mouse right at my desk. When I turned on the light it stayed, there was no running for cover it stayed. Then it went to the closet. From there it got more and more brazen. Climbing the shelves with the lights on. We would drop books and still it would stay. It perched on a drawer and just stared at me. I brought over some of the students and we looked at the mouse and made noises and it just walked closer to us. It was not scared and it did not run. For the rest of the day we heard it running and scurrying in my closet and then it would run around the edges of the classroom EVEN with 40 students in the room. (Yes I have 40 students in two of my periods.)
    One thing became clear the mouse needed TO GO!!! Who wants a mouse scurrying around your feet as you try to grade?!?!
     So I contacted the janitors and finally got some traps put around. But the mouse continued to treat my classroom and closet as it personal playground. Climbing up and down and running around and just completely making me JUMP at every sound.

   That afternoon I was working with another teacher and here come the mouse scurrying right up to the teacher and after hearing me talk about the BRAZEN little creature the other teacher finally saw it my way and admitted I was not exaggerating! This mouse was not trying to remain hidden and was not scared of the big bad people!!!!  Shortly after the mouse finally got stuck in a trap.

     Remember how I said the mouse had TO GO! Well once it is stuck everything changes. Since it is school they don't use the traps that snap (students might accidentally step in it, it is a safety hazard) and you cannot use poison (safety- this time because you don't know where the mouse will finally die); so they use sticky traps. The mouse was stuck and spinning in the ground as his front legs that were free tried to push and most to get the hind legs off.  It would squeak and squirm and now my little heart was broken. I left my room got the Janitor and said out till that Brazen Mouse was finally gone.
  My room might be safe once again but my heart is still sad to see that little mouse STUCK!

Another Day Another Adventure of a School Marm

Now I am afraid this story will not be half as funny in writing because to laugh you might need my voices and actions to make it come to life but I am going to try anyways.....
   
     So as life takes over and my list gets longer and longer a few subtle things happen namely lack of sleep. When my to list is longer than hours in the day and I am going on four hours of sleep for the past five days then you are talking about a perfect combination to allow for a minor (or major) meltdown by this School Marm and that is exactly what happened about a week ago.
      I have a group of students who spend every lunch in my room. Well one day one of the boys brought Top Ramen for his lunch and left the wrapper on the back counter. My least favorite part of the job is when I get asked the same question over and over and over again. I can handle the school related questions like when is this assignment due, how do you do this; but not the questions like why is my hair up...like 60 times in one day. I want to scream because it is UP! Why does there have to be a reason why my hair is up and why can't I put my hair up without a big deal. So now there is a wrapper in the back of my room and between the day it was left and Wednesday I was asked probably 60 times why is there a Ramen wrapper in the back of your room?
      Now take my pet peeve and combine it with my lack of sleep and stress. See I was putting together an activity for my team: so I had to put together a list of who was going to what room and I was getting constant changes to that list plus I have to put my homework packets together for the students I needed to go to the homework rooms and I was even able to start them during prep because of helping all the other people on my team. So I was hurriedly doing them during Homeroom and Second Period which I was asked another 30 times while doing that Why is there Ramen on  the back counter? Now I cannot help but to think of my reaction if I was in classroom and there was trash on the back counter I would realize students are messy and rude because of that I would just through it away and I wouldn't even bother asking the teacher why the wrapper was there. Regardless I had another student in the middle of starters and asked me Why is there Ramen here? And I lost it....

      I began screaming with fire shooting our of my eyes "GIVE IT TO ME. GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!!" The student looked genuinely terrified and the rest of the class was now staring at me. He handed me the wrapper I took it and with all of my energy and force I spun in my chair from facing the back wall to facing the front which is where the trash is. I took the wrapper and with all my force threw it in the trash while screaming, "BECAUSE IT IS TRASH NO ONE BOTHERED TO THROW AWAY." Now that I had lost it there was a part of me that realized that I was overreacting but another part of me that still believed it was totally justifiable.  So after I threw it away I began justifying my screaming to the class saying such things as.... I know it was only the first time this student asked the question but I have been asked it 60. You be asked the same question 60 times and see how you feel..... And on and on for probably a solid 5 minutes about that. Looking back that is the most ridiculous part of the whole thing is me believing I could justify screaming like that over trash. It was CRAZY!!!

    The worst part of it....Later I realized the seasoning that was part of the wrapper trash got spread over everything, my desk and computer, and so know I had made of mess of everything and I have to clean up seasoning off of everything and I had to shake every paper to get them off.

So that was the time I lost it. And now looking back I see how funny it was.

Gearing Up for School

                 I guess you could say that I have been gearing up for school because recently I have been watching a lot of school movies:: Won't Back Down, Waiting for Superman, and Bully. All of which I would recommend to ANYONE! I am a teacher, I love it, and I believe COMPLETELY in public education. I think public education is one of the best things in America but I also will tell you that education is  BROKEN right now. You have business mean passing laws dictating the direction of education and they have to realize that  CHILDREN are not a business and you cannot treat schools like a business. That being said all these movies point out the problems in the education system and how it beats teachers down so much that sooner or later even the best teachers have had enough and just give up fighting anymore. In fact, I have felt a lot like the teacher in "Won't Back Down," this week. She purposely went to the school in need to make a difference but by the time we see her in the movie she has been beaten down and has given up. That is how I have felt this week..I surrender I am done!!! BUT that is not what this post is about rather it is this with my experiences and what the true problem is.
         This movie blames the teacher unions, the administrators, and the teachers but in the end  the true problem is the breakdown of the family. If family units were still strong and teaching their kids than the bullies would be punished earlier in life. In fact, one of my own nieces could very well turn into a bully but her parents punish her now while she is young. If the families were strong and involved they would know exactly where the kids stand.  I will continue more later.....

Games

Knight to A 5

Rook Counters

The games we play do nothing but

Hurt

I play with the hand I have been dealt

Wanting a full house

With love and kids

Bets are placed

And Raised

Higher and Higher

I start to wonder 

Is this too rich for my blood?

Are you bluffing?

Can I ever win?

Queen moves to protect

CHECK....

but is it finally

CHECK MATE

I AM BACK!!!!

So I have not been blogging a lot recently. I have just let life steer me and I have decided to take back control. What I have loved about my blog is that I publish the poetry I write on my blog, Good and Bad but all mine. And I also tell little stories about my students. In fact sharing this small things have been something that has helped me find the good things in small ways that are important to me and fulfilling and I have found that I need that release. I need to continue to make time for the small things because it helps me know what I am thinking and it helps be with the big things. So many teachers have said it, and I am yet another witness testifying it is true, if you let it teaching will take up your whole life and suck you dry. Well this past year and half I have let it and I am not going to anymore. I am exhausted and I am discouraged but already today after writing four new poems and redecorating my blog, I have found the Easter message of renewed life true and I am feeling better about life. So maybe no one reads my blog, I write it and that is the whole purpose!!

Open No More

I fought for you

Open my heart

Exposed my soul

Hoping beyond hope

I was not wrong

I risked it all

No I am waiting for a sign

Alas

It was in vain

You left me in the cold, dark

Unwilling to change

Scared this could be something more

Downtrodden

Downcast

I walk away

My heart rejected

My soul dejected

Knowing it is time to 

Strengthen the walls

Both Sides

If there was ONLY sunshine

Flowers would not gro

Snow would not fall

Singing in the rain no more

Clouds disappear

We need the rain

We need the darkness

We seek the joy of dancing in the rain

We ant the wind to blow

To see the beauty of snow covered mountains

To cuddle beneath blankets in a storm

We need the Sun And the Dark

Day And Night

We when will it be okay for me

I am the Light And the Darkness inside

I am the Smile And the Tears

I am Laughter And Anger

When will I be loved for

Both sides of me

Knight

I need a Knight

Not afraid of the dark

No matter how dense

How deep

The dark is scary

It envelopes

Threatens to swallow whole

But hat is where I am stuck

Wondering, Lost

Everyone want me 

Needs me

To be happy

No one likes the darkness that swirls inside

I need a Knight

Not afraid of the dark

Who will fight

Fight for me

Fight the darkness

Please come save me

Do you Miss Me?

Do you miss me?

 I left months ago

Do you even notice?

No matter what you said

I didn't mean that much 

You never truly cared

I was so wrong

Do you even miss me?

I am leaving again

Will you miss me?

Already the answer is clear

Do you even notice I've left?

Will you even care?

When will someone care?

When will someone miss me?

What is wrong with me?

No One even cares when I leave

Something More

Happy, Bubbling, Smiling

But there is more

Chasm of loneliness

Constantly threatening to overwhelm

Sadness so dark

Afraid it'll swallow me whole

Wanting so badly 

For someone to see

There is something more

Not ll the more is bad

Constant as the sun

Giving as a tree

Striving for perfection

Loving Unconditionally

Afraid of everything

Especially those who see

My secrets

My weaknesses

My sadness

My loneliness

Happy, Bubbly, Smiley

But Definitely 

Something More

Just Out of Reach

Just Out of Reach

Forced to sit by and watch

Trapped behind a wall

Wanting to be part of the game

But not knowing the rules

Everything I dream of

Just Out of Reach

I stretch and angle by arm

Wanting happiness so badly

Finally I Fall

Still

Just Out of Reach

Plaster on the smile

Pretend I am not broken

Forced to watch everyone's happiness

Bruised

Broken

Afraid to try

Forever it is

Just Out of Reach

The Gardener

Spring is finally here

It's been so long

Color returns

Laughter abounds

But everyone sees the flowers

No one sees the Gardener

She toils day and night

Promoting beauty and joy

She wants it to be perfect

To be a place of 

Play, laughter, picnics

But no one sees the Gardener

No one asks the Gardener

No one cares about the Gardener

She pays the price

With the tears no one sees

She makes it welcoming

With the pain she never shares

Spring is finally here

The Gardener's work never ends

I Feel Bad

So I have been trying to describe how I feel about the last month and a half about my life. I feel like because of how things have ended with someone I should be falling apart and obsessing that is what I normally do. Why aren't I? Why am I happier than I have been in months, scratch that....YEARS! And a part of me wonders what it was all about if this is how it was meant to end? In fact, my relative peace and happiness has confused me more than anything. Then while driving last year a Rascal Flatts song I never have liked before began playing and it hit me and was exactly how I feel

And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad

I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page

A Single Voice

In September my bishop gave all the "older" singe woman the book by Kristen Oaks "A Single Voice." Now, I resisted reading it. I expected some really hang in there book that just reiterates everything I already know. So finally it is January and I am finally getting around to starting the book and man I wish that I has started it earlier. IT IS AMAZING!!!!! I really love it, it is just so true and it helps validate everything I have been feeling for awhile. The following quotes are form the book and just are good for everyone to know about the reality of us "older single people":

"I have observed that feelings of inadequacy can begin at an early age. In our culture, where marriage and family are so highly values, single people begin to question where they belong and how they can contribute. "

"Older single persons often find themselves the center of great attention and affection as loving and caring relatives seek to cajole, humor, goad, and provoke them toward marital union....These efforts are made out of genuine love and concern, but often they only increase our sensitivity to our single condition.'

"I know from personal experience as a daughter who deeply loves her parents how frustrated and inadequate I felt I was in their eyes because I did not marry in the time they expected...My singleness was only one fact about me, but in my family it seemed to have become the dominant fact. My parents felt my pain and mirrored it back to me and even intensified it- which was never their intention."

About when she got married...." Though I was caught up in the delirium of happiness every bride experiences, I was also more than a bit dismayed by their relief because I thought my single life had been quite wonderful...There was a part of me that wished they had celebrated and respected my single life as much as I did myself. I did not want them to discount how significant and important that part of my life have been to me."

"Often the problem of singleness is compounded by well-meaning friends and family members who offer unsolicited advice...The range of suggestions varies from wearing more mascara to losing weight...suggestions meant to soothe often cause hurt feeling that fester...Many times this attention made me doubt myself. I began to wonder what was wrong with me because I was not finding my celestial companion, no matter how much I dated, read my scriptures, lost weight, or prayed. I felt that some must be incredibly wrong with me."

" I have come to the conclusion that women believe marriage is proof that they have worth. The ultimate game of choosing side fro teams. It is hard to be picked last, but not to be chosen at all is unbearable- especially if you know you are a good player and can help the team. Not only are you excluded but you also have to stay around and watch the game. The member who were chosen wonder why you were not chosen.... The answer is you do not know why you were not chosen, and it hurts because you would like to play."

"Though the loss feels very real, it's never clear if it actually is real because it is a slipping away of a dream. If we compare our milestones in life to those of married couples, we will always come up short...One never gets used to being single because just as one rite of passage in life goes by, another comes. You watch your friends marry, then have children, then prepare their children for missions..."

"Rather than the continuous loss experienced after death, the hurt of singleness my ebb and flow over time and be triggered by circumstances like weddings, births, weekends, holidays, or family celebrations. Because of this noncontinuous process, it never feel quite legitimate to grieve. Confusion, loneliness, sadness, hurt, and hopelessness are grief feelings, however."

"When I was single, I would evaluate my life against that of my married friends and always feel many steps behind."



There are MANY MANY MANY more wonderful thoughts, insights, and great USEABLE advice for anyone who is single or anyone who deals with singles. But these are the thoughts that I really wanted people to know. Especially my family!

Resolutions- YUCK!!!!!!!! Goals- YAY!!!

The very word resolution makes me think very negative thoughts. Resolutions are something that everyone makes so willingly and breaks just as easily. People spout them without every really wanting to change. All they are is a false promise; to the world and to yourself. I hate the connotation that resolutions bring with them. Now, if you have sincerely made resolutions this isn't meant to be judgmental about you but it is how I feel about life and how things have worked out in the past. Resolutions bring me to mind all the times my dad has proclaimed, "I am done with this. I cannot live like this anymore. I have to do something to lose weight." But the very next meal he eats a lot and then continues to take food from the pantry the rest of the night. (I love my dad but I seriously get sick about hearing his crazy weight lose plans and then watching him eat without realizing it- He is a classic stress eater and he constantly eats without realizing he is even doing it. I will bring up the four handfuls of chips he ate and he really won't know he did that.) Every time I go home my dad and my mom are constantly talking about losing weight. I wish the emphasis was eating healthy meals and doing things to make them feel better because I personally feel like when losing weight is the goal it is easy to become discouraged, frustrated, and give up.

On the other hand- I LOVE GOALS!!! I adore making goals and I love when I accomplish a goal I feel so successful. To me if you don't achieve your goal the first time that is fine because goals are about slowly accomplishing them and goals are about action and not just a desired outcome; whereas resolutions I feel are desired outcomes and the first time you fail you just give up on the resolution but goals are constantly pushing you to do better.

So for all the world to see here are my goals:
1. Go to bed between 9:30 and 10:30 to get about 7 and half hours of sleep a night. I am getting better but this is a hard habit to break because I have been a night owl for SO LONG!
2. To exercise 3 to 4 times a week. (Notice this isn't about losing weight, this is about feeling good about myself and therefore there is no self loathing when I don't meet this goal one week and this is about improving myself.)
3. To find more quiet moments in my life. This is all my fault. Now that I am living alone I tend to turn on the TV as soon as I walk in the door and leave it on even as I go to sleep for the noise but that doesn't leave any quiet times to think, ponder, or even read. As much as my life is so much better on my own and my patience and ability to survive this year has made it a necessity to be alone I do miss how being with roommates would sometimes make me hide out in my room with only a book or my journal so I had more quiet moments.
4. Plan better and Healthier meals. Now that I have the fridge space I want to plan meals and stop eating like a college kid by existing on microwave items and fast food. I want healthier breakfast and lunch items in particular so I will happily take suggestions.


So you already know the progress. Last week I started to get in bed by 10:30 and I really felt the difference. Last night was after midnight though but the good thing about this goal is each day brings a night I can try again to form good habits and I do know it is a good one because last week with going to bed earlier I was more patient and a lot happier at school and today I am definitely less patient.

Window to the world.....the view is TERRIFYING!!!!

Teaching is hard!!! It is not for those who are weak or unsure of themselves. Now, I don't want this to be a venting entry because I am still in love with my job. Things happen on a daily basis that makes me laugh or makes all the heart break, stress, and struggle worthwhile. From this week having a kid open up to me and tell me about how his heart is breaking because his dad is not happy with his job. To the boys who argued over math in my room during lunch in such a way I was laughing the whole time. To watching my mock trial team come together and accept each other and start to work together. I love my job and I love my students. And I have a lot students who DO NOT FIT what I am about to talk to, it is just that every year it gets worse.

Being a teacher though has given me a very clear and specific window to the world. Whereas, my Dad and family are all in the business world and talk business ALL THE TIME!!! They also love to talk about what is wrong with the world today. But they don't have the same opportunities to see people and the world the way I do. Though we are all on the same page the biggest problem in the world today is the breaking bad parenting and the break down of families. Here are specific issues:

1. Parents do not want to take the time or the energy to fight with their kids to discipline them. They really don't! People may think that I am over reacting but on several occasions this year I have parents say your are right I could punish my kid for skipping school or not doing work by grounding/ taking away cellphones/limiting TV or video games but that would cause fighting and I would have to monitor them constantly plus they would hate me for it and I want my kid to love me and I don't want to fight. To that I want to say GROW SOME BALLS AND GROW UP. You are the adults sometimes it is your job to let your kids hate you!!!!! That is the world that is your job and all your teaching your kid is that they can do whatever they want and in the long run when they are repeatedly fired because they don't know how to behave they will hate you more. Every year I get in kids faces, I fight them, I hold them responsible, and at the end of the year they are the ones who wrote me notes saying I was their favorite teacher because I cared enough about them to fight them, I never gave up on them no matter what they did, and they knew I did it all of it out of love and they will never forget me for that.

2. Parents do not want their kids to be unhappy so they give them whatever they want and they therefore have kids who do not know how to handle any problems. You don't like a teacher we will change you classrooms. Math is too hard because you have to actually think let's drop you levels. Don't like your schools change schools. Seriously, I see it happen all the time. Kids get to run away from their problems instead of learning coping skills. The kids are in control and the parents are a long for the ride.

3. It also works with the fact parents are so eager to believe that everything is anyone's else fault but their student. Their kid fails but it is not their fault it is the teachers faults for not passing their kid despite the fact the kid turned in three assignments all year. The kid is getting suspended for bad behavior and it is the schools fault so to solve it we will change schools. And then parents are SHOCKED when the same problems happen at the new school so whose fault is it....the schools of course, so they change schools AGAIN!!!! I have several students who openly admitted this is their third school THIS school year because the other schools were out to get them and got them in trouble but it wasn't their fault. This is crazy. Kids learn to pass the blame and to not have to take responsibility and actually change their behavior.


4. Last one I want to highlight is the fact that more and more students believe EVERYTHING should be handed to them. They don't come to school with the basic supplies of paper and pencils because it should be provided by the school. Why am I making them study and actually pass tests? They deserve an A because they came to school end of the story, according to them. They are ungrateful and entitled and that attitude is what bothers me the most. In fact, almost every kid this year has said something like....If you want me to take school seriously and do my work you should pay me to do that, adults get paid for the work they do I deserved to get paid for working. They believe it to... they believe not only should they be educated for free....WE SHOULD PAY THEM!!!! And when I do things they want do they appreciate it? NO!! In fact, they go great now that we have this let's get blank.....

Every year it gets worse.....Every year the kids come with more behavioral problems and less involvement by parents. Every year more of the responsibility of raising kids and parenting kids in falling on the teachers' shoulders. Not only are we having to teach kids the basic lessons that should be taught at home and are actually much easier for parents to teach but we are getting less funding and bigger and bigger classes. This year I have 12 different classes and most of them are at about 36 students. I have to counsel students on dealing with fights with friends, how to speak nicely to adults, how to share, how to sharpen a pencil, how to stay strong during the hard times, how to find someone to talk to, how to make friends, hearing about ANOTHER DIVORCE and the kids whose whole world is falling apart because of it and it is breaking their spirit and will, and none of this is my actually curriculum of history. No wonder we have so many problems in society. So much crime, graffiti, gangs, teenage pregnancies, etc.... As amazing as all the teachers I know are we cannot do everything for our students ESPECIALLY without parents.

Music Sums it up

Like always a song has said everything I hope is true in my life. I heard it tonight on the CMA awards and it is just...sooooo gooood. I haven't gotten to the bit stronger part but I hope I may finally be on the right path to healing. So here it is -

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Feel more like crying than laughing

Some people never realize what a treasure they have sitting right in front of them. I am so sick of people not realizing how valuable I am!!! They turn to me for everything but they never really understand how important that is. So I am done. I am walking away. This heart of mine is not strong enough to take this anymore.

No One

No one gets me
No one sees me
No one loves me
No one helps me
No one understands me
BUT YOU


No one hurts me
No one passes over me
No one ignores me
No one takes me for granted
No one forgets me
LIKE YOU

You are the BEST
And the WORST
Thing in my life

Funny Students!!!!

So my students are so funny. This week before school started so like 7:30 in the morning I was sitting at my desk working. And then all the sudden at TWIX dropped on my keyboard. I was shocked and jumped and then saw one of my students and I started laughing. Then another is dropped by a different student. Now I was laughing even harder at my students and all the sudden a third TWIX is dropped. My old seventh graders (now eighth graders) just wanted to show there love for me and thought it would be funny to drop TWIXs one by one. And it made me laugh to hear and watch them and also it made me happy to know they still loved me and I love that.