Broken!

I love Paramore in general. They are one of my favorite groups and one the biggest reason why is that so so many of their songs speak to me. I really love it.

'Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole

How true is that? I believe we are all broken. We all have issues that make us broken and a need to reach out to be restored. It is actually the fact we are broken and need the atonement that makes us reach for more than we can on our own. "This reliance upon the merciful nature of God is at the very center of the gospel Christ taught. I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair.From the beginning, trust in such help was to give us both a reason and a way to improve, an incentive to lay down our burdens and take up our salvation. There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, “beyond [his] own.”The Savior reminds us that He has “graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.” Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.Brothers and sisters, whatever your distress, please don’t give up and please don’t yield to fear." Jeffrey Holland

Secrets Shhh!!!!

I have been thinking a lot about secrets recently. It was all when I heard a creepy haunting melody. I think the fact the melody is creepy and the words are kinda disturbing play a role on why this song has been in my head, sincerely it kinda creeps me out and gives me nightmares.

Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
                       Won't tell what I said
                 Cause two can keep a secret
                  If one of them is dead…

It made me start to think about secrets and what they mean and what role they play in people's lives. We all hold on to secrets like they are the most important things. We use secrets to have power over other people. Or the fact that we know people's secrets makes us feel good about ourselves and better than other people. But is that truly the case...

Like I said I have been thinking about this a lot. Secrets have always been central in my life because I have always kept myself a secret from most of the world. So the role secrets play in my life is HUGE!!! Seriously, secrets are one of the most important things to me. But are the secrets helping or hurting me. That is the part I have been questioning a lot recently. I keep everyone at a safe distance so they cannot hurt me but because I keep them at a safe distance I am often alone with all my secrets. As I was already contemplating the role secrets play in my life I have fallen in love with the One Republic song, which is not haunting and creepy, and says:

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'mma tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

I really thought a lot about this. I don't have any shame in my life and I really am sick of all the insincere. For awhile I really thought that maybe I should give all my secrets away. Maybe the burden really is to great and it is only holding me back. And though I think I do need to be more willing to give my secrets away because it can get lonely and like a prison that there is a place for secrets in our lives. Sometimes secrets protect the people we love most in the world from others who do not know them. Sometimes secrets aren't true secrets they are more confidential information. As long as we are not trying to hide things and deceive people I do believe that secrets have a role in a life and that it is okay to have secrets. So in the past month, because this started around June 20th, I have come full circle with secrets. From hiding all my secrets from the world and hiding myself, to hating them and how they give people power over me, to wanting to give all my secrets away, to realizing that I don't need to give all my secrets away to let people get to know me and realizing that secrets can play a vital and successful role in my life. Think about your own secrets? Which ones do you need to give away and let go of? Which ones have a health portion of your life? I know I am still taking inventory. The only thing I know for sure is I don't want my secrets to be the barrier between me and the people I love most in the world anymore.

Baptism!!!

This past weekend my whole family got together because our oldest niece and nephew got baptized!!! Yes, I totally hit the Jack Pot my oldest sister was the first one to have kids and she had twins that was one boy and one girl so I love being able to go through all the firsts with both genders at the same time. We had the first day of school, first piano recital, etc... And I love them. Jesselyn is my Princess. Ryan is my Knight. I love them and how they call me to talk about life. It was fun to have all my family together.
On the negative side: My grandma came to town. I have never been that close with my grandma. She has always been hard on me and has thought our family, as in my dad's kids, are spoiled elitist. She has always had a double standard and it has always been hurtful to me. Recently my grandma has been diagnosed with alzheimer's disease. I have found that my patience for her isn't as good as it should be. I had the same conversation with her on repeat for four days straight. It was always about the Jordan District Split that happened at least three years ago, what grade I teach (my mom started to keep count and I told her at least 25 times that I taught middle school at Midvale and the subject I teach was history.) That was the bummer part having to have the same conversation on a loop. Until I turned it into a game and started to see how many different ways I could answer the same question or give the same information.

O how I have missed you

I always thought I wasn't really a piano person. It was always the hurdle I had to jump over to get to where I really wanted to be with my VIOLIN!!! And I still love my violin. It is my favorite instrument by far. But I have been playing the piano at home and now I realized how much I have missed it. I love having my hands fly along the keys. I love how I feel hearing the music flow. It is like coming home. It makes me so so happy! I love it with all my heart. I just feel so much more relaxed and happy then I have in a long time. I knew I was missing music but I didn't realize how much I was missing it till I have felt more complete since I have been home and been able to play. This solidifies my need to own a keyboard.