A Single Voice

In September my bishop gave all the "older" singe woman the book by Kristen Oaks "A Single Voice." Now, I resisted reading it. I expected some really hang in there book that just reiterates everything I already know. So finally it is January and I am finally getting around to starting the book and man I wish that I has started it earlier. IT IS AMAZING!!!!! I really love it, it is just so true and it helps validate everything I have been feeling for awhile. The following quotes are form the book and just are good for everyone to know about the reality of us "older single people":

"I have observed that feelings of inadequacy can begin at an early age. In our culture, where marriage and family are so highly values, single people begin to question where they belong and how they can contribute. "

"Older single persons often find themselves the center of great attention and affection as loving and caring relatives seek to cajole, humor, goad, and provoke them toward marital union....These efforts are made out of genuine love and concern, but often they only increase our sensitivity to our single condition.'

"I know from personal experience as a daughter who deeply loves her parents how frustrated and inadequate I felt I was in their eyes because I did not marry in the time they expected...My singleness was only one fact about me, but in my family it seemed to have become the dominant fact. My parents felt my pain and mirrored it back to me and even intensified it- which was never their intention."

About when she got married...." Though I was caught up in the delirium of happiness every bride experiences, I was also more than a bit dismayed by their relief because I thought my single life had been quite wonderful...There was a part of me that wished they had celebrated and respected my single life as much as I did myself. I did not want them to discount how significant and important that part of my life have been to me."

"Often the problem of singleness is compounded by well-meaning friends and family members who offer unsolicited advice...The range of suggestions varies from wearing more mascara to losing weight...suggestions meant to soothe often cause hurt feeling that fester...Many times this attention made me doubt myself. I began to wonder what was wrong with me because I was not finding my celestial companion, no matter how much I dated, read my scriptures, lost weight, or prayed. I felt that some must be incredibly wrong with me."

" I have come to the conclusion that women believe marriage is proof that they have worth. The ultimate game of choosing side fro teams. It is hard to be picked last, but not to be chosen at all is unbearable- especially if you know you are a good player and can help the team. Not only are you excluded but you also have to stay around and watch the game. The member who were chosen wonder why you were not chosen.... The answer is you do not know why you were not chosen, and it hurts because you would like to play."

"Though the loss feels very real, it's never clear if it actually is real because it is a slipping away of a dream. If we compare our milestones in life to those of married couples, we will always come up short...One never gets used to being single because just as one rite of passage in life goes by, another comes. You watch your friends marry, then have children, then prepare their children for missions..."

"Rather than the continuous loss experienced after death, the hurt of singleness my ebb and flow over time and be triggered by circumstances like weddings, births, weekends, holidays, or family celebrations. Because of this noncontinuous process, it never feel quite legitimate to grieve. Confusion, loneliness, sadness, hurt, and hopelessness are grief feelings, however."

"When I was single, I would evaluate my life against that of my married friends and always feel many steps behind."



There are MANY MANY MANY more wonderful thoughts, insights, and great USEABLE advice for anyone who is single or anyone who deals with singles. But these are the thoughts that I really wanted people to know. Especially my family!

Resolutions- YUCK!!!!!!!! Goals- YAY!!!

The very word resolution makes me think very negative thoughts. Resolutions are something that everyone makes so willingly and breaks just as easily. People spout them without every really wanting to change. All they are is a false promise; to the world and to yourself. I hate the connotation that resolutions bring with them. Now, if you have sincerely made resolutions this isn't meant to be judgmental about you but it is how I feel about life and how things have worked out in the past. Resolutions bring me to mind all the times my dad has proclaimed, "I am done with this. I cannot live like this anymore. I have to do something to lose weight." But the very next meal he eats a lot and then continues to take food from the pantry the rest of the night. (I love my dad but I seriously get sick about hearing his crazy weight lose plans and then watching him eat without realizing it- He is a classic stress eater and he constantly eats without realizing he is even doing it. I will bring up the four handfuls of chips he ate and he really won't know he did that.) Every time I go home my dad and my mom are constantly talking about losing weight. I wish the emphasis was eating healthy meals and doing things to make them feel better because I personally feel like when losing weight is the goal it is easy to become discouraged, frustrated, and give up.

On the other hand- I LOVE GOALS!!! I adore making goals and I love when I accomplish a goal I feel so successful. To me if you don't achieve your goal the first time that is fine because goals are about slowly accomplishing them and goals are about action and not just a desired outcome; whereas resolutions I feel are desired outcomes and the first time you fail you just give up on the resolution but goals are constantly pushing you to do better.

So for all the world to see here are my goals:
1. Go to bed between 9:30 and 10:30 to get about 7 and half hours of sleep a night. I am getting better but this is a hard habit to break because I have been a night owl for SO LONG!
2. To exercise 3 to 4 times a week. (Notice this isn't about losing weight, this is about feeling good about myself and therefore there is no self loathing when I don't meet this goal one week and this is about improving myself.)
3. To find more quiet moments in my life. This is all my fault. Now that I am living alone I tend to turn on the TV as soon as I walk in the door and leave it on even as I go to sleep for the noise but that doesn't leave any quiet times to think, ponder, or even read. As much as my life is so much better on my own and my patience and ability to survive this year has made it a necessity to be alone I do miss how being with roommates would sometimes make me hide out in my room with only a book or my journal so I had more quiet moments.
4. Plan better and Healthier meals. Now that I have the fridge space I want to plan meals and stop eating like a college kid by existing on microwave items and fast food. I want healthier breakfast and lunch items in particular so I will happily take suggestions.


So you already know the progress. Last week I started to get in bed by 10:30 and I really felt the difference. Last night was after midnight though but the good thing about this goal is each day brings a night I can try again to form good habits and I do know it is a good one because last week with going to bed earlier I was more patient and a lot happier at school and today I am definitely less patient.