Friday, August 29, 2008
First Week of School
It is friday during my planning period and I am updating my blog to say. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!! I am done moving now I need to unpack and organize. Sarcastic: YAY YIPPEE FOR ME!!!! I am at school get home and move till 11pm. I like to be in bed by 10 at the least but not this week. To show you how out of it I am. It took me two days to realize that in one of my classes their were TWINS. They look alike and have similar names so I only thought I had one student and then finally it donned on me that their were two boys and not just one boy from a particular family. Normally by friday I know all of the kids and I have read their papers so I have gotten to know them. Not this year I have had way too much to do with moving and so I am lucky to know 3/4 of the kids and as for the getting to know you. I entered the grades and am only reading the essay and taking the lazy way out because I am SO SO SO BEHIND!!! Now all the papers I have collected are entered into the computer and I took the essays home to read so hopefully I will get to that.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I am a beautiful Mess
A Beautiful Mess
By
Jason Mraz
You've got the best of both worlds You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, And lift him back up again You are strong but you're needy, Humble but you're greedy And based on your body language, And shouted cursive I've been reading Your style is quite selective, Though your mind is rather reckless Well I guess it just suggests That this is just what happiness is
And what a beautiful mess this is It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write Kind of turn themselves into knives And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear 'Cause here we are, here we are Although you were biased I love your advice Your comebacks they're quick And probably have to do with your insecurities There's no shame in being crazy, Depending on how you take these Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes Through timeless words, and priceless pictures But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.
I have spent my time driving to and from this school this week thinking a lot. Is it so bad to need people? I used to believe that it was the worst thing you could ever do. When you need people you open yourself up to be hurt and to be vulnerable and to disappointment. It seems to never fail that people always end up letting me down. So I just learn to never need anyone except family. And that is exactly what I did for a long long time. And that led me to be very isolated and alone. It is not fun not trusting people and not having anyone to turn to. So I started to need people. I need to talk to them. I need them to help me. I need them to want to be around me. I need them to want to help. I need them to want me to come to them when I am emotional and not hide it. I need them to want to make me laugh and smile. I need them listen to me. I need people especially people I am close to and I need them to not leave me. Now as I said I was called needy and though I laugh at it. It still had the reaction of I don't care what that individual thinks because he doesn't know me well enough to know if it is true or not. I won't let him in and I won't let me need him in anyway because he is not that trust worthy (at least for me not in general).
Just because he has no right to judge doesn't mean I haven't taken the opportunity to think about whether I am needy or not. And it is something I thought about. Then I thought about why would it matter. Because what is the problem with needing other people. We put such a horrible connotation on being needy. But at the basic level is that you need validation, acceptance, and some of your needs meet by other people. This is true for everyone. EVERYONE IS NEEDY. We have turned the word needy into a picture of a sniveling, whiney girl who is immature, selfish, and downright annoying because everything is always about her and she is always drama. But that isn't what the word really means it is just the association we know make with the word. I have my days where I am a mess and I am all over the emotional map but my TRUE friends will deal with it and help me survive the rollercoaster till I can coast again and then you know what happens sometime later they are the ones who are an emotional mess and I am the rock they anchor to so that they can weather the storm. That is what being a friend is about helping people pick up the messes, weather the storms, and have them help you in return. No hopefully between the two of you you aren't always in a storm and you have some fun times but you get the picture. Overall, I am very stable. I am not up and down on a daily basis and I stay pretty content. I have my times....specifically the last two weeks but once I am done moving and the first week of school is over things will settle down for me and I can even out.
So after all this thinking I have to say. YES I AM NEEDY!!! So what? I need people and in return I am needed by people. I am not ashamed because I am nowhere close the the steroetypical image or connotation of a needy girl instead I am human and have needs that I have to fill and use other people to fill. I have to say that those who are close to me are troopers and show me everyday why I trust them and open up to them completely with all of my needs (K-dubs, MuellaChica, Roomie (I want you, I need you, O baby O baby). And to those who cannot deal with the fact I am human. That is okay others will come along and fill your spot but we can still be buddies that have fun together.
By
Jason Mraz
You've got the best of both worlds You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, And lift him back up again You are strong but you're needy, Humble but you're greedy And based on your body language, And shouted cursive I've been reading Your style is quite selective, Though your mind is rather reckless Well I guess it just suggests That this is just what happiness is
And what a beautiful mess this is It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write Kind of turn themselves into knives And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear 'Cause here we are, here we are Although you were biased I love your advice Your comebacks they're quick And probably have to do with your insecurities There's no shame in being crazy, Depending on how you take these Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes Through timeless words, and priceless pictures But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.
I have spent my time driving to and from this school this week thinking a lot. Is it so bad to need people? I used to believe that it was the worst thing you could ever do. When you need people you open yourself up to be hurt and to be vulnerable and to disappointment. It seems to never fail that people always end up letting me down. So I just learn to never need anyone except family. And that is exactly what I did for a long long time. And that led me to be very isolated and alone. It is not fun not trusting people and not having anyone to turn to. So I started to need people. I need to talk to them. I need them to help me. I need them to want to be around me. I need them to want to help. I need them to want me to come to them when I am emotional and not hide it. I need them to want to make me laugh and smile. I need them listen to me. I need people especially people I am close to and I need them to not leave me. Now as I said I was called needy and though I laugh at it. It still had the reaction of I don't care what that individual thinks because he doesn't know me well enough to know if it is true or not. I won't let him in and I won't let me need him in anyway because he is not that trust worthy (at least for me not in general).
Just because he has no right to judge doesn't mean I haven't taken the opportunity to think about whether I am needy or not. And it is something I thought about. Then I thought about why would it matter. Because what is the problem with needing other people. We put such a horrible connotation on being needy. But at the basic level is that you need validation, acceptance, and some of your needs meet by other people. This is true for everyone. EVERYONE IS NEEDY. We have turned the word needy into a picture of a sniveling, whiney girl who is immature, selfish, and downright annoying because everything is always about her and she is always drama. But that isn't what the word really means it is just the association we know make with the word. I have my days where I am a mess and I am all over the emotional map but my TRUE friends will deal with it and help me survive the rollercoaster till I can coast again and then you know what happens sometime later they are the ones who are an emotional mess and I am the rock they anchor to so that they can weather the storm. That is what being a friend is about helping people pick up the messes, weather the storms, and have them help you in return. No hopefully between the two of you you aren't always in a storm and you have some fun times but you get the picture. Overall, I am very stable. I am not up and down on a daily basis and I stay pretty content. I have my times....specifically the last two weeks but once I am done moving and the first week of school is over things will settle down for me and I can even out.
So after all this thinking I have to say. YES I AM NEEDY!!! So what? I need people and in return I am needed by people. I am not ashamed because I am nowhere close the the steroetypical image or connotation of a needy girl instead I am human and have needs that I have to fill and use other people to fill. I have to say that those who are close to me are troopers and show me everyday why I trust them and open up to them completely with all of my needs (K-dubs, MuellaChica, Roomie (I want you, I need you, O baby O baby). And to those who cannot deal with the fact I am human. That is okay others will come along and fill your spot but we can still be buddies that have fun together.
Monday, August 25, 2008
YAY TEACHING!!!!I
I loved my first day of school today. It was so much fun and put me in a good mood. It feels good to do something that gives me purpose and excitement again. The kids were great and I feel so good and don't want to sleep just because I am so happy right now and I know the early morning will kill my buzz. Oh well!!! I do have to say that my teaching muscles are out of shape. Teachers strength to things you might not think about their voices and their energy levels. My throat was dry and scratchy by fourth period and I still had four more to go. I am used to being loud without anything but that muscles will build again. Also by the end of the day I was so tired and wanted to take a nap until I realized how good the first day was then BOOM energy burst from my good mood!!!! Loving life and have already had many laughs because my students are great like ALWAYS!!!!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Today
So today I was called emotionally needed. Honestly, I think that it is hilarious that I was called emotionally needy. And I keep on trying to just let it go but people keep asking me about it or it keeps coming up so I was able to think about it. Someone asked me my side of the story and this is my side. I don't care what this individual thinks of me.
1. I hardly let people into my inner life and inner self. I am very very private and don't let people in so in the end he doesn't know me well enough to pass that judgment off on me. He really doesn't because I would never trust him to really know me and with my emotions and my problems. I am not upset enough to be mean to him or treat him any differently but that is the thing that makes me upset. He is passing judgment on me when he doesn't even know me. He has no basis to make that judgment because he doesn't know me.
2. So the other reason that I find this funny is that I tease these guys relentlessly. I admit it I am always giving them a hard time. At the beginning of our friendship I felt bad but they both just kept on saying that they are big boys and can handle my teasing. Now because of my sarcastic nature I would twist there words and pretend that I was really hurt by there comment. But they always said that they were big boys and could handle the teasing, NONE of which I was ever serious about because honestly I don't care about either one of them enough to really be concerned on if they like my or not. Anyways, now I being called emotionally needy because of this.
3. You have to look at the source. It was coming from one of the most emotionally stunted people I have ever met in my life so it justed made it even more hilarious. Of course we are emotionally needy to him because we have EMOTIONS. Yes I do get happy and I do get upset. Man I am human! Call the pyschologist I actually have feelings and mood changes.
Still the best part of this situation is that the only reason I am even thinking about it and feeling strong enough about it to blog it is because someone asked me for my side of the story. Then when I said it wasn't a big deal and I don't care they said obviously you do care because you are still talking about it and I said," The only reason I am talking about it is because you asked me." Come on genius.........don't ask a question and then try to turn it on me like I cannot get over because I hardly thought about it until you asked me. In fact this is the thing that made me the most upset all night and that is what made me think through everything and feel the need to express myself.
The people who do matter, i.e. the people who know me and whose opinion I trust and could call me emotionally needy, are the ones that I go to when I have problems and I trust with knowing my problems and emotions are also the ones who laugh at the idea I was emotionally needy. By the way called while this was being discussed and I didn't bring it up with them. They couldn't believe anyone would even think that of me. Which made me laugh even more at the idea. The most important people in my life find me stable and not needy so it really doesn't matter what a friend that I am not close with thinks because he doesn't know me well enough to have his opinion matter. I only hung out with him because he could be fun and I have never found much depth to him and so now that he has stopped being fun I am over it. Oh well, back to the tried and true friends. Such as those I spent the night laughing and talking with at a bonfire. the best part of the bonfire was meeting some of the significant others of my close friends and becoming friends with them and also being around Callie. Who is still one of my favorite people. We laughed and Callie jumped around because she felt a bug going down her back. It was so funny.
1. I hardly let people into my inner life and inner self. I am very very private and don't let people in so in the end he doesn't know me well enough to pass that judgment off on me. He really doesn't because I would never trust him to really know me and with my emotions and my problems. I am not upset enough to be mean to him or treat him any differently but that is the thing that makes me upset. He is passing judgment on me when he doesn't even know me. He has no basis to make that judgment because he doesn't know me.
2. So the other reason that I find this funny is that I tease these guys relentlessly. I admit it I am always giving them a hard time. At the beginning of our friendship I felt bad but they both just kept on saying that they are big boys and can handle my teasing. Now because of my sarcastic nature I would twist there words and pretend that I was really hurt by there comment. But they always said that they were big boys and could handle the teasing, NONE of which I was ever serious about because honestly I don't care about either one of them enough to really be concerned on if they like my or not. Anyways, now I being called emotionally needy because of this.
3. You have to look at the source. It was coming from one of the most emotionally stunted people I have ever met in my life so it justed made it even more hilarious. Of course we are emotionally needy to him because we have EMOTIONS. Yes I do get happy and I do get upset. Man I am human! Call the pyschologist I actually have feelings and mood changes.
Still the best part of this situation is that the only reason I am even thinking about it and feeling strong enough about it to blog it is because someone asked me for my side of the story. Then when I said it wasn't a big deal and I don't care they said obviously you do care because you are still talking about it and I said," The only reason I am talking about it is because you asked me." Come on genius.........don't ask a question and then try to turn it on me like I cannot get over because I hardly thought about it until you asked me. In fact this is the thing that made me the most upset all night and that is what made me think through everything and feel the need to express myself.
The people who do matter, i.e. the people who know me and whose opinion I trust and could call me emotionally needy, are the ones that I go to when I have problems and I trust with knowing my problems and emotions are also the ones who laugh at the idea I was emotionally needy. By the way called while this was being discussed and I didn't bring it up with them. They couldn't believe anyone would even think that of me. Which made me laugh even more at the idea. The most important people in my life find me stable and not needy so it really doesn't matter what a friend that I am not close with thinks because he doesn't know me well enough to have his opinion matter. I only hung out with him because he could be fun and I have never found much depth to him and so now that he has stopped being fun I am over it. Oh well, back to the tried and true friends. Such as those I spent the night laughing and talking with at a bonfire. the best part of the bonfire was meeting some of the significant others of my close friends and becoming friends with them and also being around Callie. Who is still one of my favorite people. We laughed and Callie jumped around because she felt a bug going down her back. It was so funny.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Things coming together
Well, the first day of school is almost upon us. And I am starting to have things come together. My classroom looks good. Not at all perfect but it is starting to get there. Finally got keys to the new place and so we will start to move in now which mean hopefully by Monday we will be done. I will update my blog more later.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Another Check Mark in the NOT perfect column
I have never been perfect and today I got yet another check mark in the defitinely not perfect column.
I am a person who generally is able to find other's vunerablities but I have never exploited them before. I am also one of those devious minds that thinks of all the ways they can be mean or hurtful but I usually find a way to calm myself down or at least restrain myself till the urges past.
Well not tonight after having the no good, rotten, horrible, make you want to cry for weeks, never wake up again, rather be dead days I proceeded to go out to dinner with a group that exasparated my already fragile and frazzled nerves so then that day turned into 20 times worse the the above described day and I lost my restraint. I said some of the most hurtful things I could ever imagine saying to one of my best friends. And now I know they are gone for good. Our friendship cannot survive me spewing that much toxic at him when it was already fragile as it was. Nor do I deserve his friendship after what I did to him. I never thought I would stoop to taking the knowledge and insight I have about a person and using it against them. Now they won't talk to me and I am once again all alone.
It takes me forever to trust someone I cannot afford to push those I do away but that is EXACTLY what I did. I do deserve to be all alone.
Signing off
Lonely and shall remain
Repentant but to no avail
I am a person who generally is able to find other's vunerablities but I have never exploited them before. I am also one of those devious minds that thinks of all the ways they can be mean or hurtful but I usually find a way to calm myself down or at least restrain myself till the urges past.
Well not tonight after having the no good, rotten, horrible, make you want to cry for weeks, never wake up again, rather be dead days I proceeded to go out to dinner with a group that exasparated my already fragile and frazzled nerves so then that day turned into 20 times worse the the above described day and I lost my restraint. I said some of the most hurtful things I could ever imagine saying to one of my best friends. And now I know they are gone for good. Our friendship cannot survive me spewing that much toxic at him when it was already fragile as it was. Nor do I deserve his friendship after what I did to him. I never thought I would stoop to taking the knowledge and insight I have about a person and using it against them. Now they won't talk to me and I am once again all alone.
It takes me forever to trust someone I cannot afford to push those I do away but that is EXACTLY what I did. I do deserve to be all alone.
Signing off
Lonely and shall remain
Repentant but to no avail
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Kill me now PLEASE
Okay, I have learned alot about computers in my life. Why am I sitting in a class showing me how to download an PODCAST. Others are leaving early and I am stuck in a class I DO NOT NEED. AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! I know more about the internet than the teacher and I do not need her to find everything that she has shown me. PLEASE PLEASE some kill me now because this is slowly killing me.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Back to real life...kinda....
Well the school year has started again. Unfortunately since I am changing schools I get to go to all sorts of trainings again. So that is not real life. With kids I can laugh and joke with them and they do funny stuff every day. Trainings just suck the life out of you and make you want to give up before you even started. Aaaaggghhh!!!!! Plus I have been burning up without air conditioning I cannot imagine teaching in this heat.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
People are Different
If I were a friend, family member, or a stranger who stumbles across this post my first reaction would be...NO DUH!!!! People are different, we all cope differently, we all want different things, we all have different trials, we all have different strengths, different perspectives and even different images. Tonight I was face yet again with my facade and my reality that people never seem to get. I guess I still hate the assumption people make about me. They don't know me....truth is hardly anyone knows me and one of the people who does know me has failed me again. What do I do when everyone who I trust seems to leave? Isn't that more telling than anything else I have been through. Doesn't that tell you the truth the truth about me and about who I really am. I am always careful, very very careful. I hate asking for help and it seems like every time I do I never get the help I need. How did this turn into a post about me.
People are different and sometimes it is so hard to explain what you think and what you feel. Sometimes it just all comes out wrong. You try to help a friend and it hurts them. You try to protect a friend and it is misinterpreted. You find out things you don't want to know and then you fight the debate on whether you should tell a friend even if it might crush there hope or if you live by the philosophy to never be the messenger because your likely to be shot.
I have always lived by this code of honor that it is better to hear it from a friend then to be caught unaware. I have always felt that it was better to know then to not know. But is this so mistaken attempt to be selfish? Lately I have been feeling the need to just stay out but as a see a friend get more and more embroiled I am scared for them. I have always told before shouldn't I tell now or is it already too late. A thought from Batman: The Dark Knight struck me but I debated on if I agreed or not; I cannot quote it but basically: Sometimes people deserve something better than the truth because they need hope to make things worthwhile. I didn't know how I felt about this because I was raised knowing there was ultimate truth. Is there anything better than the truth of the gospel, atonement, priesthood....No there isn't. But on a smaller scale does a friend deserve a better truth than the reality. Won't it catch up and hurt worse.
The other thing is that we all judge each other based on our own individual scales or in other word's are personal truths, different than universal truths. God is a universal truth, he is true no matter who you are. But a personal truth is something about you that comes from your experience. I.E The friendliest person you may know might also be the loneliness and their outgoing personality is a cover for pain and rejection and they sit wishing some one would notice them. That isn't true for all friendly people but it is for those people who have had a journey, a past, and a defensive mechanism built. One personal truth may be that you resist what you want because you might be hurt. Such as all day today I thought about the person from my previous post. I wanted to talk to them, I wanted to just hear their voice, I wanted to reach out and know that they were still there, I wanted to know they still cared, I wanted to be with them, I wanted to hug them, I wanted anything I could get from them so I spent the whole day making sure I didn't text, call, or even facebook them. At the end of the day all I wanted to do is cry. But at the same time the attachment didn't grow anymore, expectations didn't increase, and the bond of trust and confidence was severed a little bit more. But others are not like me....they see what they want and they go for it. They want to see someone fine they will just go over to their apartment, they will call, they will text, they will go out of their way to make sure they run into this person therefore expectations increase and the bond increases. They take the risks and the risks might pay off or at least for sure will someday pay off. But you cannot take the risks without putting it all on the line and taking the chance that you might fall ten stories up to the asphalt.
Something I strongly believe though is Einstein's saying: "Insanity is trying the same things over and over again and expecting different results." I keep on trying to be guy's friends and not push things so they realize how great I am and that has left alone. Am I the one that is insane because I keep trying to be the friend and wonder why I am always the friend and never the girlfriend. But even if that is insane do I want to pursue the guy. NO WAY! I am sorry. I will do the best I can to encourage, flirt, and put myself out there by being friendly. But I don't want to be the aggressive girl making the moves on all the boys and chasing them. I am not on the hunt. The saddest part of this to me is that I see handfuls of the best girls I ever know not getting treated they way they deserve. They should be adored and sought after not put on a back burning waiting and hoping someone will actually notice them. Isn't it settling for second best if the only way you can get a guy is to make it easier to give in and humor you and hope it grows into something more. I think that women of my generation have become more aggressive. I want a career, I want, I want, and I WILL GET it. Not saying there is anything wrong with a career....Don't you dare try to take away teaching from me. But I want a career, I want to be considered equal, I want to do what I want to do and I want all the recognition. Therefore, I see a guy I want I will pursue it with full purpose. Why would guys make the first move if the girls are starting to make the moves? Girls complain that Chivalry is dead and on a whole I agree. The murderer though is women, pushy, aggressive, go after what I want no matter the cost women. They make it easy for guys to be wimps. Girls who without ever going on a date with a guy will kiss the guy. Girls who will call and call and call a guy when you never intiates any of the contact. Girls who will ask the guys out. Don't get me wrong I think some of these things are good in moderation. But I have one friend who has only been on like two or three dates where she DID NOT ask the guy (excluding dates once they were officially a couple). I know I have asked guys on dates before (which as a side note all of the times turned out horrible the dates were usually a blast but the after events were MISERABLE only one date I asked the guy on didn't turn into a weird fall out situation....Winter preference my freshman year of college.) I still feel like we are shooting are selves in the foot. I have never had a friend (including the one who asked out a lot of boys) who didn't want the boy to adore her and to make her feel special and one of a kind, but can we feel that way if we are the ones doing all the pursuing and the boys are the ones who seem to say fine whatever. I don't want a fine whatever, I don't want a guy who when you congratulate on their engagement says, "yeah, thanks, I guess." I want the guy who says, "I was so lucky she agreed to marry me." or "I am so excited to start our life together." or even "I am glad that we found each other." I want the guy who wants to tell the world they are in love. I know this is a lot to ask for, and maybe it is too much. But I don't want to marry without love and love should produce an excitement for marriage not an individual who comes off as being resigned to marriage.
I don't know if any of this makes sense because it doesn't to me yet. I guess this is what this blog is about for me. It is about my need to be heard. To be able to say things I wouldn't normally say, or maybe I would, but it is a way for me to speak and not get into a debate or discussion because a lot of this issues are stuff I just need to work out for myself. At the same time I am curious what other people think. Also I am so sorry I guess I just needed to rant to cyberspace tonight because this is about 5 times longer than I thought it would be.
People are different and sometimes it is so hard to explain what you think and what you feel. Sometimes it just all comes out wrong. You try to help a friend and it hurts them. You try to protect a friend and it is misinterpreted. You find out things you don't want to know and then you fight the debate on whether you should tell a friend even if it might crush there hope or if you live by the philosophy to never be the messenger because your likely to be shot.
I have always lived by this code of honor that it is better to hear it from a friend then to be caught unaware. I have always felt that it was better to know then to not know. But is this so mistaken attempt to be selfish? Lately I have been feeling the need to just stay out but as a see a friend get more and more embroiled I am scared for them. I have always told before shouldn't I tell now or is it already too late. A thought from Batman: The Dark Knight struck me but I debated on if I agreed or not; I cannot quote it but basically: Sometimes people deserve something better than the truth because they need hope to make things worthwhile. I didn't know how I felt about this because I was raised knowing there was ultimate truth. Is there anything better than the truth of the gospel, atonement, priesthood....No there isn't. But on a smaller scale does a friend deserve a better truth than the reality. Won't it catch up and hurt worse.
The other thing is that we all judge each other based on our own individual scales or in other word's are personal truths, different than universal truths. God is a universal truth, he is true no matter who you are. But a personal truth is something about you that comes from your experience. I.E The friendliest person you may know might also be the loneliness and their outgoing personality is a cover for pain and rejection and they sit wishing some one would notice them. That isn't true for all friendly people but it is for those people who have had a journey, a past, and a defensive mechanism built. One personal truth may be that you resist what you want because you might be hurt. Such as all day today I thought about the person from my previous post. I wanted to talk to them, I wanted to just hear their voice, I wanted to reach out and know that they were still there, I wanted to know they still cared, I wanted to be with them, I wanted to hug them, I wanted anything I could get from them so I spent the whole day making sure I didn't text, call, or even facebook them. At the end of the day all I wanted to do is cry. But at the same time the attachment didn't grow anymore, expectations didn't increase, and the bond of trust and confidence was severed a little bit more. But others are not like me....they see what they want and they go for it. They want to see someone fine they will just go over to their apartment, they will call, they will text, they will go out of their way to make sure they run into this person therefore expectations increase and the bond increases. They take the risks and the risks might pay off or at least for sure will someday pay off. But you cannot take the risks without putting it all on the line and taking the chance that you might fall ten stories up to the asphalt.
Something I strongly believe though is Einstein's saying: "Insanity is trying the same things over and over again and expecting different results." I keep on trying to be guy's friends and not push things so they realize how great I am and that has left alone. Am I the one that is insane because I keep trying to be the friend and wonder why I am always the friend and never the girlfriend. But even if that is insane do I want to pursue the guy. NO WAY! I am sorry. I will do the best I can to encourage, flirt, and put myself out there by being friendly. But I don't want to be the aggressive girl making the moves on all the boys and chasing them. I am not on the hunt. The saddest part of this to me is that I see handfuls of the best girls I ever know not getting treated they way they deserve. They should be adored and sought after not put on a back burning waiting and hoping someone will actually notice them. Isn't it settling for second best if the only way you can get a guy is to make it easier to give in and humor you and hope it grows into something more. I think that women of my generation have become more aggressive. I want a career, I want, I want, and I WILL GET it. Not saying there is anything wrong with a career....Don't you dare try to take away teaching from me. But I want a career, I want to be considered equal, I want to do what I want to do and I want all the recognition. Therefore, I see a guy I want I will pursue it with full purpose. Why would guys make the first move if the girls are starting to make the moves? Girls complain that Chivalry is dead and on a whole I agree. The murderer though is women, pushy, aggressive, go after what I want no matter the cost women. They make it easy for guys to be wimps. Girls who without ever going on a date with a guy will kiss the guy. Girls who will call and call and call a guy when you never intiates any of the contact. Girls who will ask the guys out. Don't get me wrong I think some of these things are good in moderation. But I have one friend who has only been on like two or three dates where she DID NOT ask the guy (excluding dates once they were officially a couple). I know I have asked guys on dates before (which as a side note all of the times turned out horrible the dates were usually a blast but the after events were MISERABLE only one date I asked the guy on didn't turn into a weird fall out situation....Winter preference my freshman year of college.) I still feel like we are shooting are selves in the foot. I have never had a friend (including the one who asked out a lot of boys) who didn't want the boy to adore her and to make her feel special and one of a kind, but can we feel that way if we are the ones doing all the pursuing and the boys are the ones who seem to say fine whatever. I don't want a fine whatever, I don't want a guy who when you congratulate on their engagement says, "yeah, thanks, I guess." I want the guy who says, "I was so lucky she agreed to marry me." or "I am so excited to start our life together." or even "I am glad that we found each other." I want the guy who wants to tell the world they are in love. I know this is a lot to ask for, and maybe it is too much. But I don't want to marry without love and love should produce an excitement for marriage not an individual who comes off as being resigned to marriage.
I don't know if any of this makes sense because it doesn't to me yet. I guess this is what this blog is about for me. It is about my need to be heard. To be able to say things I wouldn't normally say, or maybe I would, but it is a way for me to speak and not get into a debate or discussion because a lot of this issues are stuff I just need to work out for myself. At the same time I am curious what other people think. Also I am so sorry I guess I just needed to rant to cyberspace tonight because this is about 5 times longer than I thought it would be.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Love and Friendship
Have you ever had some that made you feel whole and complete when you were around each other? When you were in the same room with them you just want to touch them and to be alone with them. When you touch them a shiver goes through your body and you feel loved automatically. You feel safe that nothing can go wrong because they were in their lives. Just being in the same room with them puts a smile on your face. The way they look at you makes you feel beautiful even when you know you aren't. You see the future every time you around each other. Then add on top of this you add that they are your best friend. When something good happens they are the first one you want to share it with. When something bad happens they are the only one you want to talk to at all. Everyone else is just a place holder if you cannot talk to them. They understand you and know what you need to hear and even what you don't want to hear.
Now imagine having to cut that person out of your life. Most of your time is spent trying to do something to take your mind off the fact you aren't around them and that you cannot talk to them. That is what my life has been this week. This weekend I have been trying to be happy and pretend that I don't feel like my world is crushing around me. But that isn't the case, I guess I will just have to continue to pretend that life is nothing but a laugh until I finally start to feel whole again. But for now I just feel so so lonely and if nothing will ever be the same again.
Now imagine having to cut that person out of your life. Most of your time is spent trying to do something to take your mind off the fact you aren't around them and that you cannot talk to them. That is what my life has been this week. This weekend I have been trying to be happy and pretend that I don't feel like my world is crushing around me. But that isn't the case, I guess I will just have to continue to pretend that life is nothing but a laugh until I finally start to feel whole again. But for now I just feel so so lonely and if nothing will ever be the same again.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Irritated
Okay, so I took my car in to get some body work done. No I haven't been in an accident. Someone hit me over a year and a half ago and I got the work done but the paint was bubbling. Anyways, I took it in and I was getting the weather stripping replaced because during the winter my car door froze shut and so when I got the door open a chunk of the weather stripping came too. So I was without a car for three days. I was trapped and I hated it. I got it back last night and so so excited. YEAH!!! Just to look and they charged me for and yet didn't fix my weather stripping. Now it looks like I will have to be without a car again. What exactly did they fix if not the right thing. DUMB!!!!!!
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