In September my bishop gave all the "older" singe woman the book by Kristen Oaks "A Single Voice." Now, I resisted reading it. I expected some really hang in there book that just reiterates everything I already know. So finally it is January and I am finally getting around to starting the book and man I wish that I has started it earlier. IT IS AMAZING!!!!! I really love it, it is just so true and it helps validate everything I have been feeling for awhile. The following quotes are form the book and just are good for everyone to know about the reality of us "older single people":
"I have observed that feelings of inadequacy can begin at an early age. In our culture, where marriage and family are so highly values, single people begin to question where they belong and how they can contribute. "
"Older single persons often find themselves the center of great attention and affection as loving and caring relatives seek to cajole, humor, goad, and provoke them toward marital union....These efforts are made out of genuine love and concern, but often they only increase our sensitivity to our single condition.'
"I know from personal experience as a daughter who deeply loves her parents how frustrated and inadequate I felt I was in their eyes because I did not marry in the time they expected...My singleness was only one fact about me, but in my family it seemed to have become the dominant fact. My parents felt my pain and mirrored it back to me and even intensified it- which was never their intention."
About when she got married...." Though I was caught up in the delirium of happiness every bride experiences, I was also more than a bit dismayed by their relief because I thought my single life had been quite wonderful...There was a part of me that wished they had celebrated and respected my single life as much as I did myself. I did not want them to discount how significant and important that part of my life have been to me."
"Often the problem of singleness is compounded by well-meaning friends and family members who offer unsolicited advice...The range of suggestions varies from wearing more mascara to losing weight...suggestions meant to soothe often cause hurt feeling that fester...Many times this attention made me doubt myself. I began to wonder what was wrong with me because I was not finding my celestial companion, no matter how much I dated, read my scriptures, lost weight, or prayed. I felt that some must be incredibly wrong with me."
" I have come to the conclusion that women believe marriage is proof that they have worth. The ultimate game of choosing side fro teams. It is hard to be picked last, but not to be chosen at all is unbearable- especially if you know you are a good player and can help the team. Not only are you excluded but you also have to stay around and watch the game. The member who were chosen wonder why you were not chosen.... The answer is you do not know why you were not chosen, and it hurts because you would like to play."
"Though the loss feels very real, it's never clear if it actually is real because it is a slipping away of a dream. If we compare our milestones in life to those of married couples, we will always come up short...One never gets used to being single because just as one rite of passage in life goes by, another comes. You watch your friends marry, then have children, then prepare their children for missions..."
"Rather than the continuous loss experienced after death, the hurt of singleness my ebb and flow over time and be triggered by circumstances like weddings, births, weekends, holidays, or family celebrations. Because of this noncontinuous process, it never feel quite legitimate to grieve. Confusion, loneliness, sadness, hurt, and hopelessness are grief feelings, however."
"When I was single, I would evaluate my life against that of my married friends and always feel many steps behind."
There are MANY MANY MANY more wonderful thoughts, insights, and great USEABLE advice for anyone who is single or anyone who deals with singles. But these are the thoughts that I really wanted people to know. Especially my family!
