Higher Window

I love Josh Groban, as so many of you out there probably do. He is amazing. But the thing that effects me more than anything is when any artist speaks to me and to my life. This song by Josh Groban speaks to me and my life right now.

For all the times I tried for this
And every chance at you I missed
I’ve been known to go my way
But I confess it made me miss you more

I drew my line across the sand
And set my flag in no-man’s-land
But here I am here I am, the one man band
With a song that’s meant for two

And there is a light from a higher window
Shining down on you tonight

And the music floats on the breeze
Bringing an easier time
And all of our cards are on the table
Tell me what you want to do
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
For me to love you

How perfect we were meant to be
Our warm and silent symmetry
It’s times like these when all
All we need is to be reminded

Oh, and I’ve flown a thousand miles
To empty room and crowded aisles
And we went from cathedral bells
To show-and-tell and wish-you-wells
And I still look at you and I am blinded I am blinded

Because there is a light from a higher window
Shining down on us tonight
And the music floats on the breeze
From an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table
Tell me what you want to do
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
Don’t tell me that it’s too late now
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
For me to love you

Christmas Makes My Soul Sing

It is that time of year again. It is Christmas time!!!! In my family you begin watching movies and listening to music on November 1st. So far being an adult has gotten in the way of my Holiday Celebrations but I watched my first Christmas movie today. I happened to have some time and I chose the class Santa Clause with Tim Allen. But don't worry I have been enjoying Christmas music all week. While I ran I rocked out to music and while my kids worked again I got to enjoy some holiday tunes to put a smile on my face.

Regardless of what you may think of this tradition to start Christmas so soon I bet none of you would disagree that Christmas puts a smile on your face. It reminds me of some of the happiest times of my life. I remember going to a Christmas program and walking in Salt Lake City with Jason and Kyle. I remember my family singing and performing Christmas music. I love gathering around with my family and making beautiful music together, me on the violin, Lori on the flute, and Brent on the piano or even sometimes the trombone. Some of my best memories is listening to my Mother's beautiful voice sing while she worked in the kitchen and she let me help. For those of you who have complimented my cooking all the credit goes to the woman who trained me and who is an AMAZING cook herself my mother. I know I made her job and her cooking harder but she always made me feel like Christmas baking in particular was meant to be a family affair. I remember Christmas Mornings gathered in my parents room and praying. I remember my family playing games after Christmas dinner. Now as we are growing up we stay up on Christmas Eve as well playing games and enjoying the adult time after the kids are in bed. I love being around my nieces and nephews as they struggle to calm themselves to sleep so Santa can come and they wake up ready to see what they got. I remember all the Hot Chocolate get togethers are my various apartment through the years and being surrounded by friends. I remember decorating for Christmas now and when I was younger. I remember the joy of watching Christmas movies with my family or dear friends. I love all the pictures I have ever taken.

Whatever you think of when you think of Christmas I hope it includes LOVE. That is why I love Christmas is because there is so much love being shared. Love being shown a daughter by a mother in a kitchen making caramel and fudge. Love being shown to a girl by a boy who is her best friends. By a husband to his wife as he tries to surprise her for Christmas (this one I have seen through my father and brothers especially Scotty!) Love being shared by friends who are not at home to bring Christmas to this single life. Love being shown to strangers in need or on the street. It is the love we feel that makes me feel happy. The lights that shine on the trees and the music are just a tool used to remind me of the love that I feel when I am with my family and my friends.

Finally this love is just a small piece of the love Christ has for us and Heavenly Father has for us. To me that is amazing. That Christmas brings such a small piece Love when compared to how infinitely the Lord loves us. Christmas makes my soul sing with joy and love.

Taking back the Power

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

No matter how true those words are can I express my gratitude that things are changing for me. I remember that I had a Bishop, someone who was supposed to be my spiritual adviser say some really hurtful things to me. I went home and called my friend Jane and cried on the phone. Jane's responses was, "I bet you tried to make him feel okay about saying those awful things and while your heart broke you tried to make sure he was okay." It was totally true my heart was broken into tiny pieces and I felt horrible about myself but I was really worried about he felt.

Second scenario: I had a friend. She was so much fun. When you want to have a dance party she should be the first person on everyone's invite list. But she would say things to me that would crush me on a regular basis and I would never say things. Sometimes I would hide from her for awhile but I was always afraid to hurt her. She was fragile and didn't take criticism AT ALL. She really did not like anyone else telling her that she did anything wrong and she would never believe she actually did. So to make her happy and to keep the peace I would hide and hurt without saying anything.

I could go on and on about all the different times in my life that to make everyone else happy I just hid and hurt. I did, and in some ways still do,constantly want other people's permission to decide for myself. But guess what!!! I have taken many major steps in the last three months of my life of telling people that I no longer desire nor am I waiting for their approval or permission to be me and decide for myself. And I have to say it feels amazingly. So here is what I have to say to all you people who made me hurt and hide and all you guys expecting me to do anything to keep you happy!!!!

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Memories in hindsight

This weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about memories and go through my old memories. Last week my students were asking me about the friends that I have in my life that have played an important role in my life. I talked to them about people from Erika, Doug, and Elizabeth from high school to my college roommates and friends. They then asked me how I met the different people. It made me laugh to remember all the different ways I met these important people in my life. I even contacted a bunch of them to see if they remembered because for me they brought up so many fond and good memories. One of my friends told a different story then I remember for when we first met, this made me want to see if I could find the truth. So I started to go through my old journals to try and find the answer and I received a HUGE SHOCK!!! This meeting was never in my journals. In fact, I enjoyed going through my journals and reliving things so much I read pretty much all my journals from 2004 to present and I continued to be shocked by the things I spent pages talking about and detailing and the things I neglected to record. I guess it is all about hindsight but I feel like some of the most important moments in my life were the ones that I skipped whereas I covered some of the most boring and stupid things.

It isn't amazing that at the time we are going through something it seems like the biggest deal in the world. I also found it hysterical how many boys I have been in love with and stated, I have never felt like this before and all of them are nothing to me now. I thought I had grown up by the time I was 23 but those statements and entries show a whole different story. I think about how time and perspective have taught me a lot of important lessons and though I still can get caught up in some of the mundane things I also realize what I want in my journal. More about the important people that forever changed my life, for example I have already rectified one of my friends and added the how we met story and I plan on doing that for more, also adding how I felt when Erika died and how I still feel about that (it needs to be recorded), and I also realize that the biggest thing missing from my journals is stories of my students. Every day they make me laugh and I am honored to be able to associate with them but they are also missing from most of the journals. I need to take more time to remember the reasons I love teaching and to relate the stories of being a modern day school marm (I love that word, it was used in the 1800s for the school teacher in the one room schoolhouse) and enjoy the laughs they bring to me.

SOAP BOX!!!

This week I have become very frustrated with my fellow teachers!! Don't get me wrong. I love my colleagues and even the colleague in particular who is the reason I am on my soap box is also AMAZING in so so so many ways. But I cannot believe some of the bais that she expressed this week. She is dumbing down the material because she assumes that they cannot use the textbook. I find it professionally insulting that she is dumbing down material and I find it personally insulting because she is teaching 8th grade, which means she is teaching my students from last year. Those are my students whom I love and adore. I think they are amazing but I also know that they can read a teacher and know how to get easy work.

First let me say that I teach at a very very unique school. Half of our population come from all over the district for our gifted program. By the time these students are in ninth grade we are teaching them 10th grade English and they are taking AP Science and Social Studies. They are amazing and so much fun in every way. The other half of my school is low socio-economic (they are POOR, lots of free and reduced lunch) and a lot of ESL students and Special Ed students. They are the two extremes in every district and they are in the same school. I am blessed because I get to teach them all and I love them all. The gifted kids are fun because we get to go so much deeper into things and they love to discuss. The boundary kids are so wonderful because once you win them over you can push them to achieve and see so much growth, plus they will ALWAYS love LOVE YOU. You can yell at them and chew them out and 5 minutes later they are talking about how you are their favorite teacher. It is amazing. As a teacher at my school says, the Gifted kids keep you sane but the boundary kids make it worth it. I love my boundary kids and I have the hardest time letting them go because they can be AMAZING!!!! I also know how capable they are and how they are the ones that are used to people going easy on them or thinking that are not as capable, they lose respect for you when you fall for it so it becomes harder to win them over.

So getting to my rant of the week: The most disrespectful thing a teacher can do for the boundary kids is to dumb things down. WE ARE THE TEACHERS!!! It is our job to give them HIGH EXPECTATIONS and HELP them REACH IT!!! Don't just say they cannot read and then give them an easier textbook. They can find context clues, they know how to use the index and when you give them easier material you are not helping them achieve more, you are treating them like they are DUMB!!! They lose respect for you and themselves. THEY CAN DO IT!!!! Yes, they probably cannot just read a chapter from the textbook, but I teach the gifted kids and they cannot even do that. Reading a chapter is boring, don't do it. But they can get important information from the chapters with a worksheet, they can read parts of the textbooks, they can use pictures to find even more information. It also shouldn't be the ONLY thing you use to give them information, because that is just bad teaching to only use the textbook or a worksheet to teach something for the high and low level kids both. You hold their feet to the fire and you make them do it. The worst thing you can do as a teacher is to dumb things down. Also the stuff they will love and make them excited is often the hard stuff but it is what will get them excited. SO SUPPORT THEM and they can do it!!!! I feel really strongly about it. For example, Primary sources are hard but if they like what it is talking about they will do the hard work to understand it. In fact so strongly about it I have been thinking about telling one teacher that I will come teach their class and show them how capable the students are. Stop looking at a test score that most of the teachers don't agree with ( it is a reading level test called the SRI) and start pushing and challenging the students. They will meet the challenge and they will respect you more for them. After all our job is not to survive the year or to make our lives easier our job is to help them be the most successful they can possibly be and to prepare them for the world. They need to be treated like they are capable. Especially our population is so used to the world makes a judgment that they are not capable and will be stuck in the poverty cycle. We, as teachers, need to know that the way to break the cycle is through education and that only works is if we push them to meet higher expectations. I don't know if there is anything else I feel stronger about when it comes to teaching then we need to set the standards high and then help the students reach it.

ODE to Mini-Fridge

ODE to my MINI-FRIDGE

Three Hot years in a school with no air conditioning
August, September, May, and June hitting 100 degrees at time
Sometimes just wishing I could melting because it would be cooler
So hot I cannot even think
Not even knowing the joy I was missing till you came along
Now Cold water at all times YAY YAY YA
Cold Water on a hot afternoon is AMAZING!!!!
Cold Water morning, noon, and night
It is love true love with your icy coldness
Thank you Thank you Thank you
You have saved my students from the hot grouchy mess I could be
You have also made my life much more pleasant
I sing your praises Mini-Fridge please continue to serve me well

More Lyrics I love

o I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I would have missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Broken!

I love Paramore in general. They are one of my favorite groups and one the biggest reason why is that so so many of their songs speak to me. I really love it.

'Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole

How true is that? I believe we are all broken. We all have issues that make us broken and a need to reach out to be restored. It is actually the fact we are broken and need the atonement that makes us reach for more than we can on our own. "This reliance upon the merciful nature of God is at the very center of the gospel Christ taught. I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair.From the beginning, trust in such help was to give us both a reason and a way to improve, an incentive to lay down our burdens and take up our salvation. There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, “beyond [his] own.”The Savior reminds us that He has “graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.” Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.Brothers and sisters, whatever your distress, please don’t give up and please don’t yield to fear." Jeffrey Holland

Secrets Shhh!!!!

I have been thinking a lot about secrets recently. It was all when I heard a creepy haunting melody. I think the fact the melody is creepy and the words are kinda disturbing play a role on why this song has been in my head, sincerely it kinda creeps me out and gives me nightmares.

Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
                       Won't tell what I said
                 Cause two can keep a secret
                  If one of them is dead…

It made me start to think about secrets and what they mean and what role they play in people's lives. We all hold on to secrets like they are the most important things. We use secrets to have power over other people. Or the fact that we know people's secrets makes us feel good about ourselves and better than other people. But is that truly the case...

Like I said I have been thinking about this a lot. Secrets have always been central in my life because I have always kept myself a secret from most of the world. So the role secrets play in my life is HUGE!!! Seriously, secrets are one of the most important things to me. But are the secrets helping or hurting me. That is the part I have been questioning a lot recently. I keep everyone at a safe distance so they cannot hurt me but because I keep them at a safe distance I am often alone with all my secrets. As I was already contemplating the role secrets play in my life I have fallen in love with the One Republic song, which is not haunting and creepy, and says:

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'mma tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

I really thought a lot about this. I don't have any shame in my life and I really am sick of all the insincere. For awhile I really thought that maybe I should give all my secrets away. Maybe the burden really is to great and it is only holding me back. And though I think I do need to be more willing to give my secrets away because it can get lonely and like a prison that there is a place for secrets in our lives. Sometimes secrets protect the people we love most in the world from others who do not know them. Sometimes secrets aren't true secrets they are more confidential information. As long as we are not trying to hide things and deceive people I do believe that secrets have a role in a life and that it is okay to have secrets. So in the past month, because this started around June 20th, I have come full circle with secrets. From hiding all my secrets from the world and hiding myself, to hating them and how they give people power over me, to wanting to give all my secrets away, to realizing that I don't need to give all my secrets away to let people get to know me and realizing that secrets can play a vital and successful role in my life. Think about your own secrets? Which ones do you need to give away and let go of? Which ones have a health portion of your life? I know I am still taking inventory. The only thing I know for sure is I don't want my secrets to be the barrier between me and the people I love most in the world anymore.

Baptism!!!

This past weekend my whole family got together because our oldest niece and nephew got baptized!!! Yes, I totally hit the Jack Pot my oldest sister was the first one to have kids and she had twins that was one boy and one girl so I love being able to go through all the firsts with both genders at the same time. We had the first day of school, first piano recital, etc... And I love them. Jesselyn is my Princess. Ryan is my Knight. I love them and how they call me to talk about life. It was fun to have all my family together.
On the negative side: My grandma came to town. I have never been that close with my grandma. She has always been hard on me and has thought our family, as in my dad's kids, are spoiled elitist. She has always had a double standard and it has always been hurtful to me. Recently my grandma has been diagnosed with alzheimer's disease. I have found that my patience for her isn't as good as it should be. I had the same conversation with her on repeat for four days straight. It was always about the Jordan District Split that happened at least three years ago, what grade I teach (my mom started to keep count and I told her at least 25 times that I taught middle school at Midvale and the subject I teach was history.) That was the bummer part having to have the same conversation on a loop. Until I turned it into a game and started to see how many different ways I could answer the same question or give the same information.

O how I have missed you

I always thought I wasn't really a piano person. It was always the hurdle I had to jump over to get to where I really wanted to be with my VIOLIN!!! And I still love my violin. It is my favorite instrument by far. But I have been playing the piano at home and now I realized how much I have missed it. I love having my hands fly along the keys. I love how I feel hearing the music flow. It is like coming home. It makes me so so happy! I love it with all my heart. I just feel so much more relaxed and happy then I have in a long time. I knew I was missing music but I didn't realize how much I was missing it till I have felt more complete since I have been home and been able to play. This solidifies my need to own a keyboard.

Things I regret

I was talking to my roommate tonight and it made me start to think about the things I regret
1. I regret giving up Piano lessons for Voice Lessons when I was a Junior
2. I regret not taking Voice Lessons for longer (yes I know that it contradictory but it is true)
3. I regret that at BYU I was so intimidated by the talent around me I gave up. I stopped practicing piano, violin, or voice so know all of them are rusty and I want to get them all back
4. I regret not holding on to the things that are important to me because now when I want them and a need them they seem so far away and I feel like I wasted so much talent and potential
5. I regret not taking the book binding class at BYU-A LOT!!!!!
6. I regret not taking more dance classes at BYU, but this is actually the one that is the least on the list it is just awkward when you are a 6 foot tall girl.
7. I regret not holding on stronger to a couple of friends.
8. I regret not telling some of the most important people in my life that I loved them and couldn't live without them
9. I regret that I cannot tell the people I miss I miss them
10. I regret this past semester at school because I got so focused on Mock Trial I did not build the relationships with my students I am used to building.
11. I regret not taking time to learn and to do art
12. I regret not keeping up my writing by not writing my stories and poems.
I think that is it for now.
13. I regret not going to the Micheal Buble concert this year
14. I regret not going to Josh Groban, I didn't know it would be so long before he toured again.

First tastes of Summer

I am a schoolmarm~ That is the number one phrase that describes me. It is part of my soul. I have always known I was meant to teach and every summer that is proven how true that really is. I get my energy and drive and motivation and joy from my students. And I MISS MISS MISS MISS them. I know crazy. I needed a break so badly, more this year than every other year but I want my students back. I love getting emails from future students but it gets me excited. I bought my new planning book for the upcoming year and that thrilled me too. I love love love the prospects of the future and the new blood. I am so excited for Mock Trial we are going to blow them away.
That being said it has not been a lazy summer for the most part. I had to take a test proving I am a responsible class manager to the federal government. By the Way Federal Gov't you have no idea how much I help the kids by the fact I can answer a question asking me to write an essay about how using the computer lab is effective in a classroom. Moving on- I have spring cleaned my room and gotten rid of a lot of things. I have read four books. I have re-vamped Mock Trial Applications. I have run errands and gone shopping.I have written in my journal a lot. I have ponder and re-thought my life. I have decided to be a temple worker- and it is the thing I am most excited right now!!!!! So I am keeping busy and not just being lazy. But I will say it didn't take long for me to slip into natural patterns meaning I am up till 2 am and that means I cannot get up till like 10am. Which does not work for the school year. So I need to break that pattern before school but I love it.
What is the future? Well next week I am taking a week long class next week for 3 credits. Then it is home for the baptism of my oldest niece and nephew, then back to Utah for a seminar for two days and then back to Nevada to babysit my niece and nephews for a week and then to have fun with my parents.

Where did she go?

Tonight I have been plagued repeatedly by the same question....Where did she go? What happened to her? Will she ever be found again? Most importantly Why did she go away?

I have lost an essential part of myself. I don't know where she is gone all that I know for sure is that I miss her.
I used to make and keep friends easily. In fact I had multiple people say something similar that essentially was "I draw people to me and they become addicted to my presence." I used to love talking to people. I used to love meeting people. I used to love trying new things. I remember where I knew everyone in my ward and everyone knew me. I also remember a time when I had something to do nearly every single night let alone every single weekend night. Some changes came with growing up. I couldn't do things every single night once I became a teacher. It was just too much. Middle Schoolers take a lot of energy and patience. But I still had friends and I still had laughter. They saw me through everything and filled my life with everything I need. Even as I grew up and depended more on a smaller closer circle of friends my life was still filled with laughter.
Man how things have changed. Now I find people, other than my students, a pain and a waste of time. The only thing they are good for is to steal a part of you to never be whole again once they hurt and abandon you. At least with my students I never depend on them to be constant because they are in middle school. But I don't know where that bitter person has come from. I find people exhausting and not worth it anymore when I used to draw my energy and my happiness from interacting with others, which is part of the reason I became a teacher. I would prefer to be alone, which is TOTALLY NEW for me I used to hate being by myself. I walk around with headphones on in my house to avoid having to interact with a roommate I don't like when I used to be able to get past that and still make friends. I cannot remember the last time I have laughed. Okay that isn't true my students make me laugh ALL the Time and my Family to but besides those to groups I haven't laughed and found joy in friendships. I miss my own laugh. I miss my own light-hearted joy. I miss my own wit and sarcasm. I miss having someone who can keep up with my wit and sarcasm. I miss me! I miss the me I used to be! I liked the me that made friends easily and enjoyed people. I don't like the girl I have becoming. But for some reason I cannot get her back the harder I try the more she slips away. Where did she go? Do you think I could ever get her back? Is she gone for good? And if I don't even want to be around myself like this than who would every want to be around me?

Some of My Students...No JOKING!!!

Good News, Bad News

So March has been taken over with Mock Trial. Mock Trial is a competitive team where the students receive a court case with witness statements. They then must write questions, prepare to be the witnesses, prepare to be lawyers, and prepare to be bailiffs. They then go to the courthouse and present their case against another team that is doing the opposite side. It is really really exciting. But it TAKES OVER MY LIFE!!!! I have been doing all of the practices after school and everything. It has been so crazy and I have gotten so behind in everything. But my teams keep winning. (Each school is allowed to have two teams so I have two teams.)
Good News: Both of my teams are in the top 4 teams of the state of Utah. So SO awesome!!!!!

Bad News: There next round is against each other. Today was almost unbearable. The trash talking and the fact it is tearing apart our class. We used to think like one team and now they are fighting with so much passion


Good News: I am guaranteed to have a team in the finals. Whoever wins the next round will go to the final round and could possibly win the whole thing! That is exciting and helps me to earn points with my principal.

Still the problem is it could be either team and they are being brutal to one another and playing dirty because they know each other so well.

Garden

The garden died
Rain does not come
No care given
Weeds creep and crawl
The owner exclaims,
"What a shame!"
"It used to be so colorful and lovely!"
"It Used to be worthwhile"
Still the garden is ignored
Still no rain
Still more weeds
Where is the gardener?
Who will nurture this spot?
It dreams of flowers
Yellow, Purple, Pink, Red, Blue
It dream of old days
Who will help the garden grow?
When will it bloom again?
Slowly it forgets how to bloom on its own
Still it dreams of being whole

Abandoned

The House
Envy of the Town
Inviting Lights
Celebration Parties
Laughter floating down
Music loud and happy
Joy abounding
Atmosphere of Love
Everything attractive and inviting
The same house
Empty
Dark
Lonely
Scary
No one goes near it
Where is the Love?
Family?
Joy?
The house
Abandoned

Last Year, This Year

So I was looking at facebook and I remembered I did a my year in statuses for 2009 and I realized that almost all of them were negative. I thought back and looked back through my journal about 2009 and I realized just how awful my year was last year. I had a hard hard year. I am ready to believe the best of 2010. I want things to be better and easier than last year. Hopefully my heart will heal and not be broken again this year. I want to think that absence will indeed end my hearts affection. But even with the desire to heal I hope 2010 brings me answers so that I might move on and find bigger and better in the future. Also I hope that I will not be betrayed, beaten, and ABUSED by my friends in 2010. I have rid my life of all the friends that did use to abuse me, I hope and I think at least. Who knows for sure? I thought after some experiences in high school and early on in college I had learned wisdom in choosing friends but alas I was wrong about that. I hope that I will not fave impossible decisions or have to be alone. I was so lonely towards the end of 2009. With my move away from Provo and my friends in Provo I had no one to talk to you and hang out with that I began to just do everything by myself. I did not make many new friends mainly because I was so hurt and turn up from my heartbreak that it was hard to be social. I have gotten use to being on my home and am quite content being by myself and that is scary because I do not wish to become a hermit. So 2010 I hope is full of new friends. Plus I admit though I do not want to have a heartbreak again I also want to have a crush again. Nothing serious, but I have not had a crush in about 10 Months and feel the need to just be excited to talk to a boy and to dress to impress but I have not had that desire in so long.