HOME

Just a couple more days and I WILL BE HOME!!!! I am so excited for a break and some time to gather my thoughts away from things!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Realized my problem with Cosette

So in the Musical Les Mis Cosette is supposed to be the big heroine. She has a miserable childhood and get rescued. She goes on to get the love of her life and have a wonderful life. I love Cosette the child but in Act 2 all I want to do is get rid of Cosette. Here she is sweeping in and Marius is in love with her. They are meant to be destined in the sky. Now guy's are always claiming that girls problem is they want to be swept off their feet. But come on, it is totally the guys who claim to be in love when they talked with a girl for what 2.5 seconds. I have never claimed to be in love with a guy after such a short time. Interested yes! but believing I could marry a guy...NO WAY!!! Marius has Eponine and never recognizes just what a catch she really is. She dies in his arm while he is saying that he loves her all the while never being in love with her. Eponine is strong and courageous. She doesn't hide out and pretend the revolution isn't happening. She helps it!!! She works hard to change the world and help the cause. Marius depends on her for everything but in the end takes her for granted. What did Cosette do that was so great? What did she do to prove she was worthy of Marius' love? Marius is shallow just like all the other boy's in my life. They want whatever they think is the prettiest and the best. Who cares about the girl who has seen you through everything he helps you and supports you and gives you everything you want. If your lucky you get shot and die before the wedding. In that way I am jealous of Eponine. Wow, this came out really bitter but I don't mean it that bitter.

Too Much Clutter

Lately I cannot think through and figure anything else. I feel as if I am walking through a haze and cannot see anything clearly. What do I do when this happens? I write. I write mainly in my journal and poems and suddenly the world makes sense and I can breathe again. I have tried to write in my journal everyday for the past week and half and as soon as I get started something interrupts so this has lead me to have a major headache everyday. I just need to get all the thoughts and feelings that are bouncing around my head out. So tonight is the night...HOPEFULLY!!!!!

"The Holiday" Quote of My Life

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay [bowls of ice cream] you drink [eat] with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

My State of Mind

Say your sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to.
As I pace back and forth
All this time cause
I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on
The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known, I should have known.

That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now it's to late for you and your white horse to come around.

Maybe I was naÎve, got lost in your eyes,
and never really had a chance.
my mistake, I didn't know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings, well now I know...

Ready for a change

I am ready to change!!! I am ready to change myself and my patterns. I am tired of doing the same thing over and over again. I am tired of falling for the same guys. I am tired!! I am ready to just drop out of the games for awhile and not care about anything or anyone. I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankful for

THANKFUL FOR:

1. Teaching at Midvale
2. Getting paid for doing what I love
3. Students who love to say hi to me
4. Students that make me laugh
5. Students who have potential
6. Students that challenge me
   
7. My Mother who is my best friend
8. My Dad who always has an eternal prespective
9. My Sister who helps me get through hard times
10. My Brother-in-law who treats my sister like a queen and puts up with me
11. My brother-who has always be over protective but I miss in Utah
12. My Sister-in-law who used to help me through family events
13. My other brother, taught me a lot about life
14. My other sister-in-law who is the biggest peacemaker I have every meet.
15. My nieces and nephews and all in different ways; Sierra- Mary Poppins, Sydney-"Grandmas it is Sydney," stories, Ryan and Jesselyn who always want to play, Brianna just talks, Owen and Gideon are SO CUTE!!!!!!
16. Jane and everything she has helped me deal with
17. Erika, Elizabeth, and Doug for seeing me through High School and Freshman year
18. Katie
19. Megan- still one of the best people I could have in my life
20. Liz and all the laughs and craziness
21. Kyle- who picks up the pieces
22. Julie- she is a rock
23. All my friends
24. College experiences and how much they taught me
25. Old crushes and the things I learned from them
    
26. Being able to go home for Thanksgiving
27. Being able to visit my sister over Thanksgiving as well as be with my parents
28. Church
29. All the wonderful people at church: Brittany and Adam in particular today.
30. The Atonement (which is really number 1)
31. My car- which is dependable
32. Cheap gas
33. Tickets to cool events
    
34. Priesthood Power
35. Sunshine
36. Rain
37. Trees
38. MOUNTAINS!!!!!
39. Playing the Piano
40. Poetry
41. History
42. Listening to Music
43. CHRISTMAS
44. Christmas Movies
45. Christmas Music
46. Christmas Light
    

This is not a complete list but I will continue to work on it.

Thanksgiving

I should be in bed....sleeping!!!! Oh how I love sleeping but I just wanted to write and say how excited I am for THANKSGIVING!!!! To be with my parents and to see my nieces and nephews!!!! YAY!!!!! I am just so excited!!!!! Later to come is a list of things I am thankful for.

What is Love?

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is

It takes some fears to make you trust

Recently, as seen in previous posts, I have been thinking a lot about love. When is love true love and when is friendship love something more and anything else you might think about when you think about love.

Now I haven't come to any concrete conclusions and decisions but I was struck by the truth in the lines above. It takes no time to fall in love but it does take you years to know what love is. Think about it! It is so true. I fall in love all the time and I really think that this time is going to be it. But after awhile that initial high wears off and sometimes that is it and other times you discover that there is something more.

Love is constant and kind. Love picks you up when you fall down. Love is something that is so important to have in every relationship. Love is seeing some one at their worst but to know that they are better than that so you figure them. Love is the little jokes that make you smile and laugh every time you think about it. Love is the sayings that you share. Love is laughter. Love is forgiveness. Love is support. Love is complete trust. Trust that the person is not going to hurt you or betray you. Love is what we treasure most in the world. Love takes years to be this deep and is not something that is just happens. Love is putting up with the crap because you know this isn't normal. Love is everything you dream about but isn't the romantic fantasies. Love is what you depend on when everything else proves to be fake or false.

The other thing I really like is it that it says it takes fears to trust. That is so true. Speaking as someone who has a problem trusting there is a lot of fears that are in my heart every time I am thinking about letting someone in and trusting them to not hurt me. Sometimes it is the scariest think I have ever done because I was just hurt and betrayed by yet another person. And so all those fears are something that I have to choose to be able to trust someone. But in the end when I push through my fears and I trust someone and they don't let me down it has always been worth it.

Finding Joy in Life

These are all quotes from Elder Scott's Talk/Ensign Article "Finding Joy in Life." (May 1996) I have to say I love it all.....


"No matter how difficult something you or a loved one faces, it should not take over your life and be the center of all your interest. Challenges are growth experiences, temporary scenes to be played out on the background of a pleasant life. Don’t become so absorbed in a single event that you can’t think of anything else or care for yourself or for those who depend upon you. Remember, much like the mending of the body, the healing of some spiritual and emotional challenges takes time."


"Attempt to be creative for the joy it brings... Select something like music, dance, sculpture, or poetry. Being creative will help you enjoy life. It engenders a spirit of gratitude. It develops latent talent, sharpens your capacity to reason, to act, and to find purpose in life. It dispels loneliness and heartache. It gives a renewal, a spark of enthusiasm, and zest for life."

"You are here on earth for a divine purpose. It is not to be endlessly entertained or to be constantly in full pursuit of pleasure. You are here to be tried, to prove yourself so that you can receive the additional blessings God has for you. The tempering effect of patience is required. Some blessings will be delivered here in this life; others will come beyond the veil. The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you."

Personal first

I have thought about how blogs are public. I am a very private person but here on my blog I write about very personal things. Now, my blog is not the cover of anonymity people know it is me and mainly my friends are the only ones who read it. So why do I feel like placing my thoughts on the internet is a SAFE enviroment!!!! I honestly don't know but there is no doubt that I do. Weird? I know. I share my personal thoughts online. Now I love it. This chance to express and think through. I need to write things to be able to process them and I feel my brain clogged when I don't have time to write about it. There are a couple posts I regret ever putting them on I was not calm or rational and I said hurtful things on them. I feel bad about my over reaction and I am sorry. This is my very public apology for it. I feel geniunely bad about it now. Still I have to say I love to be able to blog and work out my thoughts.

Happiness

So I have been thinking quite a bit lately about happiness. I have been so emotional lately. I have cried more recently than I have in pretty much my entire life. I have been all over the map and I have been so confused. But does that mean I am unhappy?

I am not sure it does to be honest. I have had great moments of happiness and I have had a feeling of confidence and self worth a lot recently. So maybe being more emotional is me actually changing and progressing from my normal status of hiding behind a wall that no one could get through. Maybe I am more in touch with myself and my emotions and am more willing to let people in all of which are a good thing. Or maybe I am unhappy?


I have had a lot of moments of unhappiness and struggle and there are a lot of things that I am not happy about right now at the same time. I used to turn to the Lord in every matter before I even thought of turning to anyone else. I would also read the Conference issues so much I could usually quote it. The last thing I used to do is I used to want to talk to every person in the ward and used to be more friendly but now I am more comfortable with the friends I have made because they are so temporary anyways. I am unhappy? Have I lost spirituality? Or am I progressing in different ways? Honestly, I am not sure.

What's wrong with Quiet Nights at home

So there has been this stigma put on people who do not go on dates or out on friday nights. This stigma states that they are huge losers because they don't have anything to do on the weekend. Tonight I was listening to my friend play the piano and I started thinking about it and I realized some of my fondest memories have come from just chillin on the weekend.

I love being calm and at home. I love not having to worry about rushing here and there and having so much to do the next day as well. I like the feeling that I can sit and take it easy. I love love my nights at home on the weekend.

So I question everyone What is wrong with staying home on the weekend? Talking to the people who matter most in your life and just being able to sit calmly and take care of myself with a little rest and relaxation. It has been a long week and sitting at the home is the perfect re-energizer. Don't judge me. Go to your parties and on your dates but don't try to tell me I am a loser or wrong because I love my nights sitting here making jokes with my friends and listening to them play the piano beautifully.

Line

Cause you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

The Line between Romance and Friendship

This invisible line is constantly on my mind. It is such a thin line and so often it is blurred. It also causes me a lot of problems. To me the line is so so clear most of the time. But it often causes a problem for those around me and for other boys that come into my life. They just don't understand the relationship that I have with my best friend. I understand exactly where we stand but others make judgments.

Now, hopefully I can make myself clear and coherent. Sometimes I just wish that the line wouldn't be so hard. It is so confusing for myself and others. Here is my issue. I have people say things about my best friend being my soulmate. I also have everyone think that we are a couple when they see us together. And Finally I have people who say things similar to, "I wish I could find someone like [name of best friend here]," or "You guys have the type of relationship I want." Or "I wish I had what you guys have." Or "I love watching how you guys are together." After awhile you either get confused of sick of it. Then you grow past it... But do you really?


I feel that I have done a really good job understanding exactly where I stand on the issue and with my best friend. I don't want it to be any other way. At the same time I recognize three important factors.
1. It cannot stay this way forever, he will marry and we will grow apart.
2. Why would I need another best friend if I already have one?>
3. We both are going to progress which means our relationship has to change for that reason as well.

Honestly, since I was a kid I wanted to marry the person that I could tell everything too. The one who made me feel beautiful when I was sick. To make me feel like I was wonderful on my worst day. Who when they saw me falling apart would pick up the pieces and tell me how rare it was. I need it to be someone who when I trust them they don't hurt me with their insider knowledge. Who loves me for all my flaws and not inspite of them. In the end I want my best friend. This is the most confusing aspect for me. I want to marry my "best friend" but right now my best friend is not someone I want to marry. I love him more than I could ever express but it just stays right there. There is a part of me that believes that it would be so easy to be with him. Just one small step and we would be there. Just one small kiss and that would be enough. It would be easy, marry him move on with life and I know that we would always get along. But at the same time that is the last thing I want because it isn't enough and it isn't right. He is my best friend and nothing more and that is all I want. People don't believe me when I say that but it is true.

LOVE BOY MEETS WORLD

Enough said. The show takes me back to simpler times when I was carefree!!!!

I still believe that there's a destiny
That this winding road is leading me to
Someone I'm meant to find forever with
Who would never tear my dreams in two
But I guess that I'll find someone new

I just always thought it was you.

To borrow a line from a movie.... It looks like I was wrong but it wouldn't be the first time nor will it be the last time. I always throw myself in. I see someone who is sweet and kind. Who treats me well and I believe that this time it will be different. This time it will be worth it. That I will somehow be able to change myself and my nature and I won't become just the friend but I will be something more. I also fight myself in trying to make myself vulnerable and trying to be open to the future. I try and I try and I try. But the results are always the same. I think that I have found what I was looking for just to hit the wall and end up in the hospital. But I won't give up. I guess that I will find someone new because I know that God has a plan for me and my life.

I AM IN LOVE!!!!!

Here is the story: About three weeks ago when I had my laptop at school it ended up crashing to the floor and getting beat up. It has been doing weird things and the DVD drive was completely useless. It would shut down randomly and delete my files. This became a major problem that I had to take care of. I looked in to getting it fixed but it would cost the same amount as a new laptop. So I found one I wanted, ordered it directly from the company and they shipped it to me. I just got it recently and it is AWESOME.

Seriously, the screen on my computer is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO GOOD!!!! Crystal clear and such a high pixel count. WOW!!!! Also it has a ten key!!!!It is so shiny and FAST!!!!! SUPER FAST!!!!! I love it!!!!!! Plus, it came with a remote control...AWESOME!!!!

I am confident to say I AM IN LOVE....with my computer. And for once I believe it is a love that will last!!!!!!

Everyday and then bam they shock you

So everyday I give everything to my students. I am there friend, their teacher, and sometimes a mother figure in their lives. Between 200 students it is draining. Someone always needs something. Someone needs to be heard and listened to. Someone wants to give you an excuse. Someone cannot find their lunch money. Some of them need to know they can trust you. Some of them need a friend. Someone to take care of their boo boos (yes, they still need that in middle school.) They just need something from me all the time. And guess what? I LOVE IT!!! I thrive off of them needing me. I live and breathe it. I makes me feel like I have a purpose and it makes me feel like I am making a difference in these kids life. I really truly love it. And so everyday it is them draining everything out of me and exhausting me. But everyday I am thankful and blessed that I am exhausted because I am giving everything to my kids.

And then you have a day like I did this week. Where the kids saw me....truly saw me. They fought through there self-centered normal attitudes (which face it teenagers are self-centered) and they saw that their teacher was in pain. Some kids responded by being good which was more than I could ever ask from them normally. Some of them stayed in between classes and told me jokes. Some of them gave me hugs. Most of them just smiled and told me I was a great teacher. One of them actually wrote me a thank you note. And I realize that I do reach the kids and in return they help me and they strengthen me. I don't know if I could have made it through that awful day without them. So everday they take and take from me and that is fine especially one all the sudden they have one day where they give it all back to me plus some. I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

My Seventh Period

So here is the truth. I should dislike my seventh period. I have five kids who are CONSTANTLY talking TO ME. Even when I am trying to give a lesson. Every time there is any sort of a break they start talking to each other. They are constantly talking back to me. "No Teacher, I wasn't talking." And they do all sorts of things that are my pet peeves for students to do. As a class as a whole they go so slowly and it feels like everything drags. So they should be my worse class of the day. But for some reason. THEY ARE NOT!!! They crack me up that is the class period every day I just have to laugh at or with someone. Everyday someone says something hilarious. Plus, three students in that class react so funny when they are in trouble. I have one student who is learning English that when he is in trouble he changes his face through every emotion till he hits a face that creates a reaction. He goes from sadness, embarassment, anger, defiance, and smiling all within a minute to see which one will make me go okay no more but I won't get you in trouble today. Honestly, all of his faces just make me laugh and that is why he gets out of trouble. I know, I let him get out of trouble for making me laugh but guess what TEACHERS ARE HUMAN TOO!!!! I know, I know hard to believe. Though I try to be completely fair sometimes without even knowing it I am nicer to some kids and meaner to others. I read just yesterday that Kids laugh over a 1,000 times a day and adults 4. That is just sad because I love to laugh. I love to laugh at myself and the stupid things I do and I love to laugh with friends. But I will tell you that my average is better than all other adults with 4 and it isn't because of me or my friends it is because my kids at school. They keep me young and seventh period is the period that makes me laugh the most and the most often. So Thanks y'all!

A lot about Hope

I wonder if we as a people are struggling with hope. After all so much of conference this year was focused on Hope. We obviously need to remember it in hard times. I know that was a message for me recently. I have been losing sight of my own hope. That was a hard thing for me in and of myself. In hard times I have always been able to hold onto hope and it helped me through. This recent trials and sufferings have left me actually feeling for the first time in a long time. Hopeless. If it did not happen with this boy then it problem was not going to happen with any boy. If I cannot be trust these friends who can I trust. And the things have gone on tell I felt like there was no hope. I knew rationally different but I just felt like that was the case.

And another thing!!!

And another pet peeve recently. Why can't a girl be best friends with a guy? My best friend is a guy and everyone assumes that there is more to it than there really is. I mean why can't a girl just be friends with a guy? Why is that impossible? So it ruins possibilities because people think something is going on that isn't and people are always gossiping about it all the time. I hate it. He is my best friend that I don't have romantic feelings for it is possible.

STUPID!!!

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life and I will continue to do them I have no doubt but I guess recently it is thinking that things would change.

I thought that this was the year that I would have a BLAST with my roommates. After all I was moving in with one of the coolest people I know. But instead of having a blast I feel completely and utterly isolated. Now I kinda did that to myself. I am an all or nothing kinda of a girl. (I am working on it). And I friend didn't want to hear me when I said I didn't like the way she was being treated and that I just saw how she was continually hurt and so I hurt for her and it just got to painful for me to watch so my options were do something that would cause a huge fight or stop being her friend. I have continually wrestled with this and because the last thing I want to do is fight I have just isolated myself for now until I can come up with something else. But I miss having FUN!!! It has been a long time because all at has been is conversations revolving around one person it seems. I just want to laugh and be silly again!!!! Is that really too much to ask? Is it too much to want to care for her enough that I would sacrifice my own life for her? Is it selfish to realize that the situation was so draining that I didn't have anything left for my students so I had to get off the ride?

I also thought things would be different in love. I finally found someone who was just like my best friend but also that calmed me down and mellowed me out. Now he is ignoring me. He has made it painfully clear he doesn't want that much to do with me. I guess the smartest thing I have done recently is to not becoming vulnerable to him and not trust him because if I had this would hurt so much more. Instead I am just in pain because of what might have been and what seemed to be. That is where I was stupid. I thought I FINALLY had found a boy that was interested in me. Maybe didn't full blown like me but you know wanted to be around me. Wanted to talk to me about my students and my life. Wanted to tell me about his life. Wanted to get to know me better and give me a chance. WRONG!!!! It seems as if the only reason he wanted to talk to me was to get to my roommates. And that hurts worse than anything.


So in the end here is what I am left with.....I want to move, the sooner the better. And I give up. I feel like if it couldn't happen with these boy it will never happen and so why bother. I am done. Maybe that will change. Hopefully it will. But it is like a quote I read about running recently. You have to forget about the pain of running the first marathon before you even think about running the next one. I need to recover from the heart break of liking this boy before I think about liking another.

On the positive side: at least it is raining. I LOVE THE RAIN!!!! Rain calms my soul. Which believe me this is more coherent and calm then I have been recently.

Have I peaked ALREADY

So on friday I went and visited my old school. It was one of the best afternoons in awhile. To go and see those old kids and it made me start to think. HAVE I PEAKED ALREADY?? I mean last year was AWESOME!!! The kids were the best and they still love me. They would visit me all the time I know what was going on in their life and they genuinely wanted to be around me ALL THE TIME. I go to my old school and they surround me and follow me around. All the teachers are giving me hugs the kids are talking about how much they hate all their current history teachers and they wish I was still teaching them. I have them asking for my email address and wanting me to come again. I have some of them say the only way they would do the school play is if I am directing it. On and On and On....And I felt LOVED AND SUCCESSFUL. Those kids are still my favorite and we have a special bond. So is every year bound to fail in comparison. I still love teaching but if I could go back to that school or the high school it feeds I would in a heart beat just to be around that awesome group of kids. I love them with all my heart and miss them. My current kids aren't half as cool....so I repeat is every year going to be second rate compared to last year have I had my best year of teaching so early in my career? Answers are yet to be found!

Hopeful but sad

I'm looking for love this time
Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
Trying not to ask why
Cause love is a mystery
Mr. curiosity
Be Mr. please
Do come and find me

Love is blinding when the timing's never right
Oh who am I to beg for difference
Finding love in just an instant
Well I don't mind, at least I've tried
And I tried, I tried...



This is how I feel right now. Thanks Jason Mraz

My students are WONDERFUL!!!

So I thought that over the weekend my students would go back to being normal. You know lame excuses for why they don't have homework, not wanting to do work, and talking all the time. And it is true that is the facts of every day life except I continue to have more and more students be impressive. I had two kids say they did more research on September 11 over the weekend!!!! One watched a two hour documentary and was telling me all about. Some of the kids brought in newspapers with September 11 things in it. Others printed off articles from the internet. WOW!!!! I have never had a response like this. Even from my "smart" honors class. I think that everyone is underestimating this kids. They are my inspiration because they are fighting against a society and a faculty that deems them as dumb and unmotivated but they are SMART and they DO CARE and that is enough to win my admiration. I will stand with them and fight against the negative ideas because they are a force to be reckoned with. I have included the really good speech by President Bush because it was one of my student's favorite videos.

This Week I am a Success!!!!!

So, when I first started at my new school there was a lot of negativity. In my school you have two very different populations. One half of the school is bussed from all over the district for the ALPS program which is basically the Gifted and Talented program. So you teach ALPS kids or you teach Boundary kids. Well I have the Boundary kids and when people would hear this they would be like. I am so sorry those kids are so bad and they are so slow. They don't care about school and I just wouldn't even bother with homework because they will never do it and that is going to be so so hard. I wanted to scream OF COURSE THEY ARE HARD WHEN YOU HAVE THAT ATTITUDE. But I kept it to myself and I have pushed the Boundary kids and you know what they have achieved everything I have pushed them to do because I believe in them. Then this week they even went above my high expectations for them. It was the anniversary of September 11 and so I took the day out to remember it and talk about it. On friday I had about 20 "dumb" boundary kids come up to me and say they were so interested they went to the library and researched September 11 and they watched videos online and they gave me lists of videos I should check out. I was so proud. They did it all on their own and that is more impressive than a bunch of kids who do their homework assignments because it shows that they can be self-motivated and I was part of that. So this week I was a success!!!!!!!!! (Next week might be a different story)

The true eternal optimist

I am a true optimism. Over and over again I get rejected, my heart gets stomped on, and my insecurities are used against me. But I tried again to open myself up to be vulnerable and to put myself out on a line. I went against my nature to do it. Every time I open myself up I am going against what my natural instincts of preservation tells me to do. It tells me to stay put don't open up again because every time you do you end up getting hurt and crushed. Then I think about how necessary it is to open. I want love more than anything and I cannot get it without risking getting hurt and I always decide the risk is worth it. Every time I am about to open up I also foolishly think that this time it will be different. This time I won't get hurt this time I won't get rejected. I deserve good things and good things will happen. I am the eternal optimism who believes that if I try and if I live right good things will happen. And they will but doesn't mean I will find someone who will love me for me. So it has happened again. I put my heart out their I tried and pushed my natural instincts and in the end I got pain like always. So maybe I am not the optimist, maybe I am insane because afterall Einstien said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Maybe it is time to change what I do and stop hoping that this time will be different, stop putting myself out there and just stick with my students, because at least I know how to win the majority of them over and by the end of the year most of them will love me back. That sounds like a wise investment.

Music says it all

I have and will continue to post a lot of music lyrics because sometimes songs say everything I am thinking and feeling a lot better than I can. And also I just want to share the lyrics that mean a lot to me. Just in case you were wondering

Piece of Your Heart

I know you’re trying to make me happy,
And I know you’re doing it you’re way, way.
And I don’t always make it easy
To know the perfect words to say, say.

If you wanna give me what I want,
Listen, ‘cause I’m gonna tell you what I need so bad.
If you wanna give me what I crave,
Hold me so I can feel your love.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,
I want a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,
Give me a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

Woah, woah, woah, woah,
Ah, oh
Woah, woah, woah

You’re always trying to solve the puzzle,
And you always wanna fix what’s broke, broke.
You keep searching through the rubble,
And never wanna let it go, go.

Sometimes it feels like I’m raining on the inside,
And all the things that I’m trying I don’t get it right.
Yeah, sometimes, I fall but I get up,
And it takes a while but I get there in my own time.

If you wanna give me what I want,
Listen, ‘cause I’m gonna tell you what I need so bad.
If you wanna give me what I crave,
Hold me so I can feel your love.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,
I want a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,
Give me a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

Love is a very wide open door,
You can go through every time you want more.
Why do I feel like the glass is half full,
When I’ve got enough of it to feel, a swimming pool.

Listen, ‘cause I’m gonna tell you what I need so bad.
If you wanna give me what I crave,
Hold me so I can feel your love.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,
I want a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,

Give me a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

Progress or Stupidity

I have a friend that is constantly saying things that I do NOT appreciate all the time. One of my huge things is that one I let someone in and I trust them they will use that knowledge to hurt me or throw it in my face. No matter what the situation this friend always ALWAYS (it seems) using the knowledge she knows about me to turn things against me or analyze my behaviors when sometimes they have nothing to do with it. Sometimes we just have different definitions of things. So she is constantly making me NOT want to trust her or talk to her anymore without even realizing it. She is breaking my trust almost once a day. I always move past it but you know what I am getting really sick of it. And when I say that I mean that I am tired of saying it is fine for her to do that and just letting go. I get in trouble for things a lot. On the other hand I am thinking about how much progress I have made. Usually I would discard a friend who did this and cut them out completely but I haven't yet. Which is progress for me or is it stupidity? I guess that is possible.

First Week of School

It is friday during my planning period and I am updating my blog to say. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!! I am done moving now I need to unpack and organize. Sarcastic: YAY YIPPEE FOR ME!!!! I am at school get home and move till 11pm. I like to be in bed by 10 at the least but not this week. To show you how out of it I am. It took me two days to realize that in one of my classes their were TWINS. They look alike and have similar names so I only thought I had one student and then finally it donned on me that their were two boys and not just one boy from a particular family. Normally by friday I know all of the kids and I have read their papers so I have gotten to know them. Not this year I have had way too much to do with moving and so I am lucky to know 3/4 of the kids and as for the getting to know you. I entered the grades and am only reading the essay and taking the lazy way out because I am SO SO SO BEHIND!!! Now all the papers I have collected are entered into the computer and I took the essays home to read so hopefully I will get to that.

I am a beautiful Mess

A Beautiful Mess
By
Jason Mraz
You've got the best of both worlds You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, And lift him back up again You are strong but you're needy, Humble but you're greedy And based on your body language, And shouted cursive I've been reading Your style is quite selective, Though your mind is rather reckless Well I guess it just suggests That this is just what happiness is
And what a beautiful mess this is It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write Kind of turn themselves into knives And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear 'Cause here we are, here we are Although you were biased I love your advice Your comebacks they're quick And probably have to do with your insecurities There's no shame in being crazy, Depending on how you take these Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes Through timeless words, and priceless pictures But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

I have spent my time driving to and from this school this week thinking a lot. Is it so bad to need people? I used to believe that it was the worst thing you could ever do. When you need people you open yourself up to be hurt and to be vulnerable and to disappointment. It seems to never fail that people always end up letting me down. So I just learn to never need anyone except family. And that is exactly what I did for a long long time. And that led me to be very isolated and alone. It is not fun not trusting people and not having anyone to turn to. So I started to need people. I need to talk to them. I need them to help me. I need them to want to be around me. I need them to want to help. I need them to want me to come to them when I am emotional and not hide it. I need them to want to make me laugh and smile. I need them listen to me. I need people especially people I am close to and I need them to not leave me. Now as I said I was called needy and though I laugh at it. It still had the reaction of I don't care what that individual thinks because he doesn't know me well enough to know if it is true or not. I won't let him in and I won't let me need him in anyway because he is not that trust worthy (at least for me not in general).

Just because he has no right to judge doesn't mean I haven't taken the opportunity to think about whether I am needy or not. And it is something I thought about. Then I thought about why would it matter. Because what is the problem with needing other people. We put such a horrible connotation on being needy. But at the basic level is that you need validation, acceptance, and some of your needs meet by other people. This is true for everyone. EVERYONE IS NEEDY. We have turned the word needy into a picture of a sniveling, whiney girl who is immature, selfish, and downright annoying because everything is always about her and she is always drama. But that isn't what the word really means it is just the association we know make with the word. I have my days where I am a mess and I am all over the emotional map but my TRUE friends will deal with it and help me survive the rollercoaster till I can coast again and then you know what happens sometime later they are the ones who are an emotional mess and I am the rock they anchor to so that they can weather the storm. That is what being a friend is about helping people pick up the messes, weather the storms, and have them help you in return. No hopefully between the two of you you aren't always in a storm and you have some fun times but you get the picture. Overall, I am very stable. I am not up and down on a daily basis and I stay pretty content. I have my times....specifically the last two weeks but once I am done moving and the first week of school is over things will settle down for me and I can even out.

So after all this thinking I have to say. YES I AM NEEDY!!! So what? I need people and in return I am needed by people. I am not ashamed because I am nowhere close the the steroetypical image or connotation of a needy girl instead I am human and have needs that I have to fill and use other people to fill. I have to say that those who are close to me are troopers and show me everyday why I trust them and open up to them completely with all of my needs (K-dubs, MuellaChica, Roomie (I want you, I need you, O baby O baby). And to those who cannot deal with the fact I am human. That is okay others will come along and fill your spot but we can still be buddies that have fun together.

YAY TEACHING!!!!I

I loved my first day of school today. It was so much fun and put me in a good mood. It feels good to do something that gives me purpose and excitement again. The kids were great and I feel so good and don't want to sleep just because I am so happy right now and I know the early morning will kill my buzz. Oh well!!! I do have to say that my teaching muscles are out of shape. Teachers strength to things you might not think about their voices and their energy levels. My throat was dry and scratchy by fourth period and I still had four more to go. I am used to being loud without anything but that muscles will build again. Also by the end of the day I was so tired and wanted to take a nap until I realized how good the first day was then BOOM energy burst from my good mood!!!! Loving life and have already had many laughs because my students are great like ALWAYS!!!!

Today

So today I was called emotionally needed. Honestly, I think that it is hilarious that I was called emotionally needy. And I keep on trying to just let it go but people keep asking me about it or it keeps coming up so I was able to think about it. Someone asked me my side of the story and this is my side. I don't care what this individual thinks of me.
1. I hardly let people into my inner life and inner self. I am very very private and don't let people in so in the end he doesn't know me well enough to pass that judgment off on me. He really doesn't because I would never trust him to really know me and with my emotions and my problems. I am not upset enough to be mean to him or treat him any differently but that is the thing that makes me upset. He is passing judgment on me when he doesn't even know me. He has no basis to make that judgment because he doesn't know me.
2. So the other reason that I find this funny is that I tease these guys relentlessly. I admit it I am always giving them a hard time. At the beginning of our friendship I felt bad but they both just kept on saying that they are big boys and can handle my teasing. Now because of my sarcastic nature I would twist there words and pretend that I was really hurt by there comment. But they always said that they were big boys and could handle the teasing, NONE of which I was ever serious about because honestly I don't care about either one of them enough to really be concerned on if they like my or not. Anyways, now I being called emotionally needy because of this.
3. You have to look at the source. It was coming from one of the most emotionally stunted people I have ever met in my life so it justed made it even more hilarious. Of course we are emotionally needy to him because we have EMOTIONS. Yes I do get happy and I do get upset. Man I am human! Call the pyschologist I actually have feelings and mood changes.
Still the best part of this situation is that the only reason I am even thinking about it and feeling strong enough about it to blog it is because someone asked me for my side of the story. Then when I said it wasn't a big deal and I don't care they said obviously you do care because you are still talking about it and I said," The only reason I am talking about it is because you asked me." Come on genius.........don't ask a question and then try to turn it on me like I cannot get over because I hardly thought about it until you asked me. In fact this is the thing that made me the most upset all night and that is what made me think through everything and feel the need to express myself.

The people who do matter, i.e. the people who know me and whose opinion I trust and could call me emotionally needy, are the ones that I go to when I have problems and I trust with knowing my problems and emotions are also the ones who laugh at the idea I was emotionally needy. By the way called while this was being discussed and I didn't bring it up with them. They couldn't believe anyone would even think that of me. Which made me laugh even more at the idea. The most important people in my life find me stable and not needy so it really doesn't matter what a friend that I am not close with thinks because he doesn't know me well enough to have his opinion matter. I only hung out with him because he could be fun and I have never found much depth to him and so now that he has stopped being fun I am over it. Oh well, back to the tried and true friends. Such as those I spent the night laughing and talking with at a bonfire. the best part of the bonfire was meeting some of the significant others of my close friends and becoming friends with them and also being around Callie. Who is still one of my favorite people. We laughed and Callie jumped around because she felt a bug going down her back. It was so funny.

Things coming together

Well, the first day of school is almost upon us. And I am starting to have things come together. My classroom looks good. Not at all perfect but it is starting to get there. Finally got keys to the new place and so we will start to move in now which mean hopefully by Monday we will be done. I will update my blog more later.

Another Check Mark in the NOT perfect column

I have never been perfect and today I got yet another check mark in the defitinely not perfect column.
I am a person who generally is able to find other's vunerablities but I have never exploited them before. I am also one of those devious minds that thinks of all the ways they can be mean or hurtful but I usually find a way to calm myself down or at least restrain myself till the urges past.
Well not tonight after having the no good, rotten, horrible, make you want to cry for weeks, never wake up again, rather be dead days I proceeded to go out to dinner with a group that exasparated my already fragile and frazzled nerves so then that day turned into 20 times worse the the above described day and I lost my restraint. I said some of the most hurtful things I could ever imagine saying to one of my best friends. And now I know they are gone for good. Our friendship cannot survive me spewing that much toxic at him when it was already fragile as it was. Nor do I deserve his friendship after what I did to him. I never thought I would stoop to taking the knowledge and insight I have about a person and using it against them. Now they won't talk to me and I am once again all alone.
It takes me forever to trust someone I cannot afford to push those I do away but that is EXACTLY what I did. I do deserve to be all alone.

Signing off
Lonely and shall remain
Repentant but to no avail

Kill me now PLEASE

Okay, I have learned alot about computers in my life. Why am I sitting in a class showing me how to download an PODCAST. Others are leaving early and I am stuck in a class I DO NOT NEED. AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! I know more about the internet than the teacher and I do not need her to find everything that she has shown me. PLEASE PLEASE some kill me now because this is slowly killing me.

Back to real life...kinda....

Well the school year has started again. Unfortunately since I am changing schools I get to go to all sorts of trainings again. So that is not real life. With kids I can laugh and joke with them and they do funny stuff every day. Trainings just suck the life out of you and make you want to give up before you even started. Aaaaggghhh!!!!! Plus I have been burning up without air conditioning I cannot imagine teaching in this heat.

People are Different

If I were a friend, family member, or a stranger who stumbles across this post my first reaction would be...NO DUH!!!! People are different, we all cope differently, we all want different things, we all have different trials, we all have different strengths, different perspectives and even different images. Tonight I was face yet again with my facade and my reality that people never seem to get. I guess I still hate the assumption people make about me. They don't know me....truth is hardly anyone knows me and one of the people who does know me has failed me again. What do I do when everyone who I trust seems to leave? Isn't that more telling than anything else I have been through. Doesn't that tell you the truth the truth about me and about who I really am. I am always careful, very very careful. I hate asking for help and it seems like every time I do I never get the help I need. How did this turn into a post about me.

People are different and sometimes it is so hard to explain what you think and what you feel. Sometimes it just all comes out wrong. You try to help a friend and it hurts them. You try to protect a friend and it is misinterpreted. You find out things you don't want to know and then you fight the debate on whether you should tell a friend even if it might crush there hope or if you live by the philosophy to never be the messenger because your likely to be shot.

I have always lived by this code of honor that it is better to hear it from a friend then to be caught unaware. I have always felt that it was better to know then to not know. But is this so mistaken attempt to be selfish? Lately I have been feeling the need to just stay out but as a see a friend get more and more embroiled I am scared for them. I have always told before shouldn't I tell now or is it already too late. A thought from Batman: The Dark Knight struck me but I debated on if I agreed or not; I cannot quote it but basically: Sometimes people deserve something better than the truth because they need hope to make things worthwhile. I didn't know how I felt about this because I was raised knowing there was ultimate truth. Is there anything better than the truth of the gospel, atonement, priesthood....No there isn't. But on a smaller scale does a friend deserve a better truth than the reality. Won't it catch up and hurt worse.

The other thing is that we all judge each other based on our own individual scales or in other word's are personal truths, different than universal truths. God is a universal truth, he is true no matter who you are. But a personal truth is something about you that comes from your experience. I.E The friendliest person you may know might also be the loneliness and their outgoing personality is a cover for pain and rejection and they sit wishing some one would notice them. That isn't true for all friendly people but it is for those people who have had a journey, a past, and a defensive mechanism built. One personal truth may be that you resist what you want because you might be hurt. Such as all day today I thought about the person from my previous post. I wanted to talk to them, I wanted to just hear their voice, I wanted to reach out and know that they were still there, I wanted to know they still cared, I wanted to be with them, I wanted to hug them, I wanted anything I could get from them so I spent the whole day making sure I didn't text, call, or even facebook them. At the end of the day all I wanted to do is cry. But at the same time the attachment didn't grow anymore, expectations didn't increase, and the bond of trust and confidence was severed a little bit more. But others are not like me....they see what they want and they go for it. They want to see someone fine they will just go over to their apartment, they will call, they will text, they will go out of their way to make sure they run into this person therefore expectations increase and the bond increases. They take the risks and the risks might pay off or at least for sure will someday pay off. But you cannot take the risks without putting it all on the line and taking the chance that you might fall ten stories up to the asphalt.

Something I strongly believe though is Einstein's saying: "Insanity is trying the same things over and over again and expecting different results." I keep on trying to be guy's friends and not push things so they realize how great I am and that has left alone. Am I the one that is insane because I keep trying to be the friend and wonder why I am always the friend and never the girlfriend. But even if that is insane do I want to pursue the guy. NO WAY! I am sorry. I will do the best I can to encourage, flirt, and put myself out there by being friendly. But I don't want to be the aggressive girl making the moves on all the boys and chasing them. I am not on the hunt. The saddest part of this to me is that I see handfuls of the best girls I ever know not getting treated they way they deserve. They should be adored and sought after not put on a back burning waiting and hoping someone will actually notice them. Isn't it settling for second best if the only way you can get a guy is to make it easier to give in and humor you and hope it grows into something more. I think that women of my generation have become more aggressive. I want a career, I want, I want, and I WILL GET it. Not saying there is anything wrong with a career....Don't you dare try to take away teaching from me. But I want a career, I want to be considered equal, I want to do what I want to do and I want all the recognition. Therefore, I see a guy I want I will pursue it with full purpose. Why would guys make the first move if the girls are starting to make the moves? Girls complain that Chivalry is dead and on a whole I agree. The murderer though is women, pushy, aggressive, go after what I want no matter the cost women. They make it easy for guys to be wimps. Girls who without ever going on a date with a guy will kiss the guy. Girls who will call and call and call a guy when you never intiates any of the contact. Girls who will ask the guys out. Don't get me wrong I think some of these things are good in moderation. But I have one friend who has only been on like two or three dates where she DID NOT ask the guy (excluding dates once they were officially a couple). I know I have asked guys on dates before (which as a side note all of the times turned out horrible the dates were usually a blast but the after events were MISERABLE only one date I asked the guy on didn't turn into a weird fall out situation....Winter preference my freshman year of college.) I still feel like we are shooting are selves in the foot. I have never had a friend (including the one who asked out a lot of boys) who didn't want the boy to adore her and to make her feel special and one of a kind, but can we feel that way if we are the ones doing all the pursuing and the boys are the ones who seem to say fine whatever. I don't want a fine whatever, I don't want a guy who when you congratulate on their engagement says, "yeah, thanks, I guess." I want the guy who says, "I was so lucky she agreed to marry me." or "I am so excited to start our life together." or even "I am glad that we found each other." I want the guy who wants to tell the world they are in love. I know this is a lot to ask for, and maybe it is too much. But I don't want to marry without love and love should produce an excitement for marriage not an individual who comes off as being resigned to marriage.

I don't know if any of this makes sense because it doesn't to me yet. I guess this is what this blog is about for me. It is about my need to be heard. To be able to say things I wouldn't normally say, or maybe I would, but it is a way for me to speak and not get into a debate or discussion because a lot of this issues are stuff I just need to work out for myself. At the same time I am curious what other people think. Also I am so sorry I guess I just needed to rant to cyberspace tonight because this is about 5 times longer than I thought it would be.

Love and Friendship

Have you ever had some that made you feel whole and complete when you were around each other? When you were in the same room with them you just want to touch them and to be alone with them. When you touch them a shiver goes through your body and you feel loved automatically. You feel safe that nothing can go wrong because they were in their lives. Just being in the same room with them puts a smile on your face. The way they look at you makes you feel beautiful even when you know you aren't. You see the future every time you around each other. Then add on top of this you add that they are your best friend. When something good happens they are the first one you want to share it with. When something bad happens they are the only one you want to talk to at all. Everyone else is just a place holder if you cannot talk to them. They understand you and know what you need to hear and even what you don't want to hear.

Now imagine having to cut that person out of your life. Most of your time is spent trying to do something to take your mind off the fact you aren't around them and that you cannot talk to them. That is what my life has been this week. This weekend I have been trying to be happy and pretend that I don't feel like my world is crushing around me. But that isn't the case, I guess I will just have to continue to pretend that life is nothing but a laugh until I finally start to feel whole again. But for now I just feel so so lonely and if nothing will ever be the same again.

Irritated

Okay, so I took my car in to get some body work done. No I haven't been in an accident. Someone hit me over a year and a half ago and I got the work done but the paint was bubbling. Anyways, I took it in and I was getting the weather stripping replaced because during the winter my car door froze shut and so when I got the door open a chunk of the weather stripping came too. So I was without a car for three days. I was trapped and I hated it. I got it back last night and so so excited. YEAH!!! Just to look and they charged me for and yet didn't fix my weather stripping. Now it looks like I will have to be without a car again. What exactly did they fix if not the right thing. DUMB!!!!!!

Poems

I love LOVE LOVE LOVE teaching. I couldn't imagine any profession that would make me happier. The only other thing I really want to do with my life is to be a published poet on top of being a teacher so when I had that thought I felt like. WHY NOT? What is keeping my from publishing my own stuff on my blog. So periodically I will put a poem or two up.

Memory
by
ME

Sometimes it is enough
to remember

Remember
when you knew
Remember
when you were strong
Remember
when everything was before you
Remember
when prayers were answered
Remember
when Promises were fulfilled
Remember
when you had faith
Sometimes
it is dark
Scary
You feel all alone
LOST
In those times
REMEMBER
Sometimes it is enough
TO REMEMBER


Remember Me
by me

Lord remember me
I cannot go alone
Each day I stumble
You pick me up
When lost in darkness
You bring me light
My hope rests in you
Rests in your promises
You remembered Rachel
So Lord Remember Me

Lord remember me
I cling to my faith
Prophet's promises
and a father's blessing
I trust in the atonement
While I struggle through the days
I feel lonely
Yet, I know you are with me
You remembered Rachel
Oh, Lord Remember Me

I guess the theme for today....Remembering, like Erying I believe talked about in last October's conference. We are given events so that we can build our testimony and we need to record them so that we remember. When it is hard to see the end of a trial we hang out to what we have already felt from Heavenly Father.

Hope

Hope has been this big thing with me recently. Honestly, it started with a film. "The Dark Knight," I don't know if you have heard of it; it is just the film that is breaking all the records right now. Anyways, in the film they bring out the idea that hope is one of the most important things you need in society. To ruin people you need to kill all their hope. It also made me think what would I be willing to sacrifice to make sure that people, society,and my self still have hope? This pondering made me start to realize just how many people I let control hope in my life. Namely BOYS. When they pay attention to me I get hopefully then they do something and I lose all hope that I will ever get the desires of my heart. Now the church teaches us just how much faith and hope are tied together. When you have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ you have hope and when you have hope you are showing your faith. So I thought about whether or not I have hope in the promises the Lord has made for me and I have a resounding answer to that question.....YES BEYOND A DOUBT, which means that I cannot give the control of my hope over to some boy or some job or some friend. I must maintain hope and that is to remember ALWAYS that I have hope because I have faith. So when hope does waver, which it does quite easily honestly, I need to step back and say where is my faith because if I have faith then I have hope. The Lord will fulfill his promises to me. HOPE! We cannot live without us because it makes us better people. I have hope that tomorrow will be better because I have faith in Christ. You can almost use the words interchangeable. I have faith tomorrow will be better or I have hope tomorrow will be better both mean the same thing if your hope is also based on Christ. As someone reminded me Faith is based on things you know are true though you can't see it and hope when also not based on the same thing can just be a wish. Well I am signing off with two poems because I love poetry.

Hope Abides
Sri Chinmoy

Hope abides; therefore I abide.
Countless frustrations have not cowed me.
I am still alive, vibrant with life.
The black cloud will disappear,
The morning sun will appear once again
In all its supernal glory.


Hope of Loving
Meister Eckhart

What keeps us alive, what allows us to endure?

I think it is the hope of loving, or being loved.

Extremes and Opposites

This is really an interesting topic to me especially since it has come up several times with different people. Well I decided that in a fit of insomnia I should blog about it. The first part of this is personality traits. Some of my best traits are directly tied to my worst traits. I care for people deeply and I never let go of a friend lightly. I stress about any time when I am consider to not be as close to someone and I can't sleep. Hmmm.....I wonder if I just figured out my problem tonight. When you get into my inner circle or inside my wall I never want to have you leave. I mean I am so protective of myself as is and it hurts to have someone I trust completely not in my life anymore. I care very deeply. I love teaching and I care and love my students like they were my own children to be separated from them for a whole summer is giving my anxiety added on to the fact that since I am changing schools I won't see them, but I digress. I really really love people and will do just about anything for someone who is my friend. Wake up at 3am to correct a paper no problem. Bake you your favorite pie because you had a bad day, I'll get right on it. Stay up till 1am though I am getting up a 5 because you need to talk, no problem. I would give an arm, a leg, anything for a friend. Most people admire this quality in me. But it leaves me vunerable to feeling and being used, which trust me I often do. Fine, I will host a dinner for you thank you for helping (though you never did) and making me do all the work and then making fun of me the entire dinner. Here let me take care of you, teach you how to dress, go to every one of your performances, print of pictures for you, celebrate your birthday, and support you in everything you do while you don't even remember when my birthday is and you forget to talk to me till you need something. The other problem is that this bend over backwards quality is directly linked to one of my most negative qualities. When I hate you I really really hate you. I don't hide it and I make sure you feel my wrath and once I hate you it is hard for me to stop. In other words I hold grudges and have a hard time forgiving people who hurt me, though I have gotten better recently I am still not there.
The other really extreme good quality is that when I am happy I am really happy. As my friend said, when I am happy and at my best I am addictive people can't handle not being around me. I have an energy that is contagious and an open heart that makes everyone feel comfortable. But on the flip side when I get depressed no one can handle me because I go so deep into my depression. Now this one has mellowed out a lot as I have grown up. I no longer go as deep and dark into my depression and I am more constantly and consistently happy but I can still get pretty bad.
Now this isn't a quality but another extreme to quote Anne of the Island which talks about this the best, "Those who soar to the highest heights can also plunge to the deepest depths, and that the natures which enjoy most keenly are those which also suffer most sharply." It seems so true. When you learn to really enjoy life and you get happier than most people ever do you seem to also crash harder than other people. So in other words those who enjoy life the most also feel the pain the most and at not the most stable people emotional or they can be pretty stable but have really rough patches.
That leads me to my over arching question. Is it worth it? I mean seriously is it. Does that fact that I care so much make me a good teacher like I and others believe? If that is what makes me good do I have to hate so vehemently to keep my ability to care and love so much? Can I soften my hatred and still care as much? Or does it only work because I am so extreme? Also is it worth the crash to soar so high? This one especially relates to romance....Is is worthy liking a boy and giving him your all when you have so much experience getting hurt when the boy doesn't return your feelings or is it not worth it. Is the crash too painful and the high to short lived? But it is also all aspects of life because it is true the higher you soar the further down you have to go the hit the ground and it hurts. You love teaching and you love your students and you love your school and you don't want to leave and your school doesn't want you to leave but the school cannot get rid of the teacher who hates the students and hates teaching because he has tenure so after soaring high......CRASH you have to change schools and get a new job in a school that is farther away and not air conditioned. That crash hurt badly because I soared so high with my kids. But at the same time I wouldn't give up this past year and my kids at Dixon for all the money in the world, nor would I ever give up Sherri who inspires me even when I am apart from her. So I guess that is the answer. The crash makes the soaring that much better. After all, "There most be opposition in all things." If we don't know sorrow than how are we suppose to know what joy is. I would hope as I continue to improve that the extremes don't need to be in my personality traits but I would rather feel the sorrow and soar to the highest heights than I would want to avoid the crashes no matter how badly they hurt. Because after all when I fall I can get back up again.

Let me Fall by Alexz Johnson
....
I can't stop or give it up
I need to feel the pain

Can you hear me?
Don't come near me
You'll just get in my way
I'm only human
And there's nothing you can say

(Chorus]
Let me rise, let me fall
Let me breathe
I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all
Let me break, let me crawl
Cause I will get up again if you let me fall

A lot of nothing

It is truly amazing to me how I can fill my life with a whole lot of nothing. I mean here it is my summer break and I only have so much time left to do what I want before my life is completely taken over by teaching again and though I have lists of things to do I am filling my days with nothing. That is right nothing. I do these mindless little projects but do not feel like I am doing anything that actually accomplishes something. I am creating ringtones, listening to music, trying to get a hold of my friend and all in vain but I am not doing the important things like set up my classroom (which after feeling my non-air conditioned room I am avoiding) and getting my car things taken care of I am doing a whole lot of nothing. A little reading, a little writing, and a little sun is it. Yet, some how I am still out of time to do some of the planning and going running everyday. I mean seriously.....WHERE HAS ALL THE TIME GONE? How come I am doing nothing but I still don't have enough hours in the day, Can Someone please explain it to me?

What are men to rocks and mountains

I had one of the moments last night. You know the moments when you realize just how small your problems really are and you get some perspective. It happened as it normally does. Up in the mountains away from the normal life.It really makes me think and wonder on life. I know that when I think of the eternal perspective that this time is but a moment but this fact is easy to forget. The mountains make it very very real to me. They have been here for hundreds of year and will be here long after I am dead (assuming the 2nd coming doesn't come). But you know what it made me realize that I have to do something I have been dreading for awhile now. And that was not a happy thought. I guess there is more to come on this front later.I just wanted to throw out the idea that nature is the answer. When I am out in the trees with the mountains all around me I feel safe and close to my Heavenly Father and I know the answers will come. I don't know if I will keep up blogging but I thought for now I might give it a try.