YES MOMENT!!!

Every once and awhile you have one of those moments where you realize that you are actually getting some where. So much of the time you go throughout life and you wonder if you are touching anyone or doing any good.

Well on friday it was a day where the kids were not at school and we had time to work together and to enter grades. So the kids have a day off and ten of them come in to visit me. The kids voluntarily came in to talk to me ON THEIR DAY OFF!!!! Yes, I would say that proves I am one of the coolest teachers EVER!!!!

Favorite SNL

What I learned

I am not sure if this is the lesson I was supposed to learn but I learned yet again that I cannot depend upon anyone else but myself. You see for a really long time I have tried to combat the things from my childhood that made me completely wall people out. Back in the day I realized that couldn't trust anyone, sooner or later they abuse me, take advantage of me, abandon me, betray me, and hurt me. So I decided the best defense was to keep everyone out and I was very successful.

Then as I was in college I decided that maybe that wasn't the best thing. It meant that I was completely closed off. It also meant that I was really really lonely. I realized that it was only hurting myself so I have worked very very hard to get past some of these issues. And I have started to let more people in.

But these past couple of weeks have been a major set back. The two people closest to me have completely let me down. One has been off the grid. I am in crisis mode major and I really need her advice and her help because I am completely falling apart but no matter how hard I tried I cannot get a hold of her. I know she has her own life and I am not mad but I just feel like that why should I let anyone in because they all let me down and when I depend on someone else I feel completely alone and lost when they can't/won't help me.

The other person has completely shut me out, ignored, and hurt me repeatedly. I really don't understand what has happened. I really don't understand why our friendship fell apart and it makes everything so much harder. I want to move on and forget but all this is doing is proving I cannot trust or depend upon anyone because they all let me down in the end. I don't know if this is the lesson I was supposed to learn but it is the one I did learn....AGAIN!

Something weird that I do

So today I was contemplating myself. You see I do something contradictory and weird. Whenever I need people the most I shut them all out. Usually it is after something that has caused me an immense amount of pain-which usually involves someone I trust betraying that trust and/ or abandoning me. So I need people but because I have been hurt by someone I trust I become distrustful of all people. Quite honestly I yell at myself for doing it but I test people. I figure if someone really wants to know what is going on then they will find a way in and to prove they are my friends. Honestly, I do this all subconcicous what I mean by that is that I am aware I do this and put them to the trust--I internally yell at myself when someone is trying to get through but I am still shutting them out because I want to talk- but for some reason they haven't passed the test. Yep, I have actually sat and wished that people would push me enough that I would be able to talk to someone and pull out of my own head because my head space is dangerous right now. I want friends and companionship but I am still making it impossible to reach me because you have to pass this test that I seem to be making people go through.

Now, one of the weird things is I don't know how to pass my own test because that is what I am not aware of. I just know that I am being unfair but I also cannot seem to stop myself. My fear is crippling me. I am also surprised and hurt by who is trying to get through and who isn't. Really this is the biggest shock. For example if I had put money on the people in my apartment about which one (or ones) would try and which ones would not try I would have lost a lot of money. And at least I am making one roommate happy because now she gets to be closer to another roommate because I am out of the picture and I know her well enough to know there is a part of her that hopes I stay this way so she can have that roommate as a close personal friend

I guess the moral of the story is that I know I am being difficult and I know that it is hard to be around me right now. For that I am sorry but also know I am trying. I am trying to fight my nature, although I am losing right now, I haven't given up the fight. Also know that I am hurting right now and cut me a little slack I am trying to pull myself out of it and trying to just give me a little time....and maybe a little Twilight....

Newest Poem

I started to work on this last night as I couldn't sleep and decide to finish it now:

Night a dear friend
Sleep the nicest comforter
During the day
Light up by the sun
All we think about is escape
Escape from the pain
Escape from the constant rejection
Escape from failure
The ache grows through the day
You try to forget and hide in the shadows
Sun moves and lights the shadows
Try some more
Try to smile
Try to pretend that everything is fine
Soon too weak
Pray for night and sleep
Try and try but sleep does not come
Where are you?
Where is my comfort?

Hmmm....seemed a lot better at 2am....maybe I will work on it some more.

Sleep

You're in the dark
There's no one left to call
And sleep's your only friend,
But even sleep can't hide you
From all those tears and all the pain
And all those days you wasted pushin' them away
It's your life, it's time you face it

Sleep is truly my only friend. Every night I pray for sleep to come swiftly so I can escape the pain and the ache that grows everyday. I try so so hard. But it evades me. I go to bed earlier and I still do not sleep. And for the last two nights when I have been on the verge of actually going to sleep at a decent hour my roommates come home/get loud and push sleep away. My apartment has a strange syndrome which is none of really can talk quietly. Whenever we talk we have to talk LOUDLY almost yelling. So I haven't been sleeping well which is just compounding the rest of the ache and pain. Then when I do finally sleep it is a restless sleep and pretty miserable. I just want one good nights rest so that I can maybe start to recover.

The Life of a Middle School Marm

Marm- what they used to school teachers in the 1800s

So my favorite thing about teaching is the kids...surprise, surprise. Most of the time it is because they really crack me up. Here a a couple of incidents recently..

The next couple are all from Mock Trial competition:


Jake: You have a friend name Jamie who is part of the crew?
Witness: Yes
Jake: You have called the crew a gang?
Witness: Yes
Jake: So Jamie is part of a gang named the crew?
Witness: Yes
Jake: So, you want us to believe that your friend Jamie is a gangsta?
Witness: yes, wait what?

Lawyer: So you are a bully?
Bradley: That's what she said.
Lawyer: You called out to Casey on March 31?
Bradley: Yeah, it is called reaching out

Then this is in forth period:

One of my kids always makes chicken noises and says he is a chicken, especially when he doesn't want to do work. One day he climbs into a cabinet I have I told him to get out and he said,"I can't because I am laying eggs..I am a chicken."It made me laugh.

Is it really the end?

You're freakin' out again
'Cause all your fears remind you
Another dream has come undone
You want somebody, just anybody
To bring some peace through your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light..

I will once again publicly announce that I spewed toxic waste. There is a slight difference this time. I said something I was actually feeling but in a very "vicious"way. I feel really bad for the way I voiced how I was feeling though I don't take it back either. I wish I had said it in a different way. Well I think it finally broke the friendship beyond repair. What is my problem?

I don't know all the answers to that question but I do know some of the answers. One of the issues is something that only one person knows about. But some of the other answers are easier. The one question I cannot answer is how did this end the friendship? After everything we have been through how is it possible that this is going to be the last straw and before this I would have told anyone who asked that I KNEW our friendship was stronger than this. But I was guess I was wrong. I was SO WRONG!

Throughout my life I have definitely been a contradiction because I am an open book and at the same time a fortress. What I mean by that is that I am who I am. I don't change my personality to impress anyone I am just me. But I hardly let anyone completely in. I can honestly say that in my recent history there have only been two people completely in. I have know have ruined the friendship with one of those people. The other one is missing in action meaning I have been trying to talk to her but she is in a mess with her own garbage and I don't want to harass her too much. So where does leave me? LONELY

There are other people who I am close with and know A LOT about me but not everything. So I try to talk to them about some things (though I cannot talk to them about the hardest issue because of how complicated it is). It also leaves me with a lot of guilt and pain. Last night was another sleepless night and the worst part is that my students are receiving the bulk of the punishment. Meaning I am tired, emotional taxed, and stress those making me grumpy, cranky, and impatient.

Then a year ago this weekend my best friend growing up died of cancer. I have dealt with that though some events, such as the anniversary, re-fresh some of those feelings. Which has compounded the pain of losing the friend as mentioned earlier. You see I didn't talk to the best friend before she died. Distance and time were factors on us drifting apart and I never got the chance to tell her just how much she meant to me. She was so influential and I always thought that we would be friends again someday, and I knew she was dying and thought about calling her everyday but was scared. Scared of what she would think or say to me because it was so long, scared she didn't want to talk to me and so I would be rejected, and finally worried about taking time away from her family. I have regretted those fears and the fact I didn't talk to her from the moment I got the news. So with this friendship falling apart at the same time as the anniversary it has made me really think.

I do not want the vicious thing I said to be the last time I talk to this friend. If they or I were to die I don't want this to be the last thing. What about all the times we laughed? Or all the times we were there for each other? Or how much we cared about each other? Is that all lost now? Possibly.

This all brings me back to the song quoted at the begining:

To bring some peace through your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light..

Back and Forth

For the past month I have been going back and forth on an issue and this week that was taken out of my hands. I no longer have a choice and it has happened.

This is not a good week when it comes to friends.
1. A year ago this saturday my best friend growing up died from cancer. I miss her! Which is really weird because towards the end of her life we were no longer that close. We lived in different towns and were in different phases of life. But I still loved her A LOT!!!!!! She was so great. Not perfect but she was the friend I needed while I was growing up.

2. My best friend who has supported completely blew me off. But I am okay I guess. I miss them but I will move on soon. I needed to find a new best friend anyways so there you go.

I am the Rule

I know that I am the rule but yet somehow I keep living my life as if I will someday.....beyond any reason to actually believe it....someday I might be an exception. WRONG!!!!