Saturday, April 10, 2010

Where did she go?

Tonight I have been plagued repeatedly by the same question....Where did she go? What happened to her? Will she ever be found again? Most importantly Why did she go away?

I have lost an essential part of myself. I don't know where she is gone all that I know for sure is that I miss her.
I used to make and keep friends easily. In fact I had multiple people say something similar that essentially was "I draw people to me and they become addicted to my presence." I used to love talking to people. I used to love meeting people. I used to love trying new things. I remember where I knew everyone in my ward and everyone knew me. I also remember a time when I had something to do nearly every single night let alone every single weekend night. Some changes came with growing up. I couldn't do things every single night once I became a teacher. It was just too much. Middle Schoolers take a lot of energy and patience. But I still had friends and I still had laughter. They saw me through everything and filled my life with everything I need. Even as I grew up and depended more on a smaller closer circle of friends my life was still filled with laughter.
Man how things have changed. Now I find people, other than my students, a pain and a waste of time. The only thing they are good for is to steal a part of you to never be whole again once they hurt and abandon you. At least with my students I never depend on them to be constant because they are in middle school. But I don't know where that bitter person has come from. I find people exhausting and not worth it anymore when I used to draw my energy and my happiness from interacting with others, which is part of the reason I became a teacher. I would prefer to be alone, which is TOTALLY NEW for me I used to hate being by myself. I walk around with headphones on in my house to avoid having to interact with a roommate I don't like when I used to be able to get past that and still make friends. I cannot remember the last time I have laughed. Okay that isn't true my students make me laugh ALL the Time and my Family to but besides those to groups I haven't laughed and found joy in friendships. I miss my own laugh. I miss my own light-hearted joy. I miss my own wit and sarcasm. I miss having someone who can keep up with my wit and sarcasm. I miss me! I miss the me I used to be! I liked the me that made friends easily and enjoyed people. I don't like the girl I have becoming. But for some reason I cannot get her back the harder I try the more she slips away. Where did she go? Do you think I could ever get her back? Is she gone for good? And if I don't even want to be around myself like this than who would every want to be around me?

1 comment:

Camille Farias said...

Just thought that you might be interested in knowing that Dixon has oppened up a Social Studies teacher position for next year. Don't know if you'd be interested in applying, but I thought I'd pass it along... you know... just in case. =)