Where did she go?

Tonight I have been plagued repeatedly by the same question....Where did she go? What happened to her? Will she ever be found again? Most importantly Why did she go away?

I have lost an essential part of myself. I don't know where she is gone all that I know for sure is that I miss her.
I used to make and keep friends easily. In fact I had multiple people say something similar that essentially was "I draw people to me and they become addicted to my presence." I used to love talking to people. I used to love meeting people. I used to love trying new things. I remember where I knew everyone in my ward and everyone knew me. I also remember a time when I had something to do nearly every single night let alone every single weekend night. Some changes came with growing up. I couldn't do things every single night once I became a teacher. It was just too much. Middle Schoolers take a lot of energy and patience. But I still had friends and I still had laughter. They saw me through everything and filled my life with everything I need. Even as I grew up and depended more on a smaller closer circle of friends my life was still filled with laughter.
Man how things have changed. Now I find people, other than my students, a pain and a waste of time. The only thing they are good for is to steal a part of you to never be whole again once they hurt and abandon you. At least with my students I never depend on them to be constant because they are in middle school. But I don't know where that bitter person has come from. I find people exhausting and not worth it anymore when I used to draw my energy and my happiness from interacting with others, which is part of the reason I became a teacher. I would prefer to be alone, which is TOTALLY NEW for me I used to hate being by myself. I walk around with headphones on in my house to avoid having to interact with a roommate I don't like when I used to be able to get past that and still make friends. I cannot remember the last time I have laughed. Okay that isn't true my students make me laugh ALL the Time and my Family to but besides those to groups I haven't laughed and found joy in friendships. I miss my own laugh. I miss my own light-hearted joy. I miss my own wit and sarcasm. I miss having someone who can keep up with my wit and sarcasm. I miss me! I miss the me I used to be! I liked the me that made friends easily and enjoyed people. I don't like the girl I have becoming. But for some reason I cannot get her back the harder I try the more she slips away. Where did she go? Do you think I could ever get her back? Is she gone for good? And if I don't even want to be around myself like this than who would every want to be around me?

Some of My Students...No JOKING!!!

Good News, Bad News

So March has been taken over with Mock Trial. Mock Trial is a competitive team where the students receive a court case with witness statements. They then must write questions, prepare to be the witnesses, prepare to be lawyers, and prepare to be bailiffs. They then go to the courthouse and present their case against another team that is doing the opposite side. It is really really exciting. But it TAKES OVER MY LIFE!!!! I have been doing all of the practices after school and everything. It has been so crazy and I have gotten so behind in everything. But my teams keep winning. (Each school is allowed to have two teams so I have two teams.)
Good News: Both of my teams are in the top 4 teams of the state of Utah. So SO awesome!!!!!

Bad News: There next round is against each other. Today was almost unbearable. The trash talking and the fact it is tearing apart our class. We used to think like one team and now they are fighting with so much passion


Good News: I am guaranteed to have a team in the finals. Whoever wins the next round will go to the final round and could possibly win the whole thing! That is exciting and helps me to earn points with my principal.

Still the problem is it could be either team and they are being brutal to one another and playing dirty because they know each other so well.

Garden

The garden died
Rain does not come
No care given
Weeds creep and crawl
The owner exclaims,
"What a shame!"
"It used to be so colorful and lovely!"
"It Used to be worthwhile"
Still the garden is ignored
Still no rain
Still more weeds
Where is the gardener?
Who will nurture this spot?
It dreams of flowers
Yellow, Purple, Pink, Red, Blue
It dream of old days
Who will help the garden grow?
When will it bloom again?
Slowly it forgets how to bloom on its own
Still it dreams of being whole

Abandoned

The House
Envy of the Town
Inviting Lights
Celebration Parties
Laughter floating down
Music loud and happy
Joy abounding
Atmosphere of Love
Everything attractive and inviting
The same house
Empty
Dark
Lonely
Scary
No one goes near it
Where is the Love?
Family?
Joy?
The house
Abandoned

Last Year, This Year

So I was looking at facebook and I remembered I did a my year in statuses for 2009 and I realized that almost all of them were negative. I thought back and looked back through my journal about 2009 and I realized just how awful my year was last year. I had a hard hard year. I am ready to believe the best of 2010. I want things to be better and easier than last year. Hopefully my heart will heal and not be broken again this year. I want to think that absence will indeed end my hearts affection. But even with the desire to heal I hope 2010 brings me answers so that I might move on and find bigger and better in the future. Also I hope that I will not be betrayed, beaten, and ABUSED by my friends in 2010. I have rid my life of all the friends that did use to abuse me, I hope and I think at least. Who knows for sure? I thought after some experiences in high school and early on in college I had learned wisdom in choosing friends but alas I was wrong about that. I hope that I will not fave impossible decisions or have to be alone. I was so lonely towards the end of 2009. With my move away from Provo and my friends in Provo I had no one to talk to you and hang out with that I began to just do everything by myself. I did not make many new friends mainly because I was so hurt and turn up from my heartbreak that it was hard to be social. I have gotten use to being on my home and am quite content being by myself and that is scary because I do not wish to become a hermit. So 2010 I hope is full of new friends. Plus I admit though I do not want to have a heartbreak again I also want to have a crush again. Nothing serious, but I have not had a crush in about 10 Months and feel the need to just be excited to talk to a boy and to dress to impress but I have not had that desire in so long.

Sitting in the Airport

I am sitting in the Salt Lake Airport about to board a plane to go home and I cannot help thinking

I AM SO LUCKY. To have the funds and the time to go and be with my mom for Thanksgiving. She is the best person in the whole world and I wish I could be with her all the time because she brings me SO SO SO much happiness!!!!!! YAY!!! I am going HOME!

SO TRUE. Micheal Buble Haven't Met You Yet

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Get So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Get So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet


P.S Michael Buble is AMAZING and this song is on his newest CD SO GOOD!!!!

Two of my favorite things

What do you get when you combine Bollywood with one of my favorite tv shows when of my favorite episodes of all time. It was so so FUN!!!!!

Conference Joy

I just wanted to say that I LOVE CONFERENCE!!!!!! I really needed the spiritual uplift this time. I have been struggling recently and this has been exactly what I needed!

Drama Free actually has a down side

There is a concept that I have discussed on multiple occasions here on my blog and in person with people. The extremes in life and in myself. I have talked about, for example one my greatest strength in my ability to love and love deeply that I don't give up on people on the opposite end when you hurt me or something else happens my dislike is just as strong and so as evident which is one of my weakness (shutting out people). I have often mused about how to get rid of my weakness and when I work on it I realize that my strength becomes a little more watered down. Also this can be shown when people talk about flying on the heights of happiness with dreams and happiness the people who fly the highest also seem to drop the lowest. Are we (I in particular) willing to give up the heights that I fly so my lows aren't so low or is the high worth the crash? It is a question I am constantly rethinking and this weekend I have though of another aspect.

I have talked too much, or at all, about my living conditions this year. I live in a house with three other girls all of which are teachers. It is nice to have people on a similar schedule as me. The girls are nice but I wouldn't say anything truly truly negative about anyone but at the same time I don't have anything really positive to say about anyone either. One of the girls is just not someone I would associate with by choice. To me she comes off fake and showy but at the same time I know it is just her. She is very serious and I am not at least not in the same way. Those of you who know me know that I am very serious while also being very very light hearted and find lots to laugh at. So overall I would say that I won't fit in with the girls and won't be best friends but I won't fight with them either. We all just live or own lives, in fact I even attend a different ward than my roommates. I hang out with my own friends our by myself in my room.

Overall I would call my new existence drame free. I am used to have roommates who are fresh to college and really immature. They chase the boys and just are annoying and cannot take care of themselves, roommates that depended on me to give them social lives, roommates who made me feel bad for myself, roommates who hadt he most annoyning boyfriends and fiancee, roommates who made me feel lke I couldn't be in my own house, roommates who care, are emotionally needy, jealousy, insensitive, in one word DRAMA!!! Another way to describing it is also draining, like my friend has said if there is an emotionally needy person within a mile they will find me and drain me.

So what do I do with a drame free existence. I do have a lot time now that I am not talking care of a crying roommate, an unhappy roommate, depressed roommate, attention needy roommate, etc.... But someone said so how soon am I moving out because I won't be best friends. I started to think about things. Would I move out? Do I just want to stay here? I like my room and I live my house and I like my location so would I actually move out or do I like my live in my own world and to be left alone?

No to tie this musing of roommates in with the earlier musings about strenghts and weaknesses. As I complained about the drama of other roommates. I will say this, the hardest most dramatic roommate I ever lived with who made my life really really hard and at times all I could do was to hid and what for the crazy moods to pass or for me to get enough strenght to hand her again was also the roommate I had the most fun with. We would have random instanteous parties or just girls, jokes, laughs, and it was just so much fun. Yes it was some of my hardest times but it was also some of my most enjoyable times. So that being said. I live a drama free existence and am able to focus on other things rather than being constantly drained at home but is the trade off worth it? I used to have so much fun and roommates that yes drove me nuts and I sometimes wanted to just kill but I would also consider them best friends. When it really mattered most of them were there for me. In fact two of them despite everything and now even marriage are still epople I would consider my closest friends still. So we had roommates who were drama we were able to rise above them. (Please note that while the two roommates I am talking about and I had our problems but they are not the drama roommates I am talking about that usually was the place the other two roommates we lived with held). Back on point so I want drama free roommates or roommates that I can be friends with and party with, is it possible to be friends and have fun with roommates without them being drama?

First Week of School

As the school year began this year I couldn't help but to think of, "You've Got Mail." Actually I always think of this movie at the beginning of a new school year. For those of you who might not understand why let me remind that at the beginning of the movie in some of their emails Fox talks about how September makes him think of freshly sharpened pencil bouquets and that is how the first day and week of the school year is for me. It is so exciting and scary all at the same time. And no, I don't think you EVER grow out of that, if you are a teacher so you continue to have a new school year for your life that is.

Well the school year has started off really good. All ready I am feeling so much relief about the break up of my day. I get to have lunch with my friends...BIG RELIEF!!! Also instead of having a straight schedule of hard kids and classes that struggle and are underprivileged with little parent support I also have a couple of the "stuck up, smarty pants" kids a day to. You know the students who freak out if they have an A-. Yeah, it is quite an adjustment because I am not use to the overachievers anymore but it is nice to have kids who are eager to learn and eager to like you instead of fighting you every step of the way. But in the same breathe I wouldn't want to lose the kids all together either because I fight so hard for them I also walk away loving them more than you can ever imagine especially when I win them over; they are the ones that make my job so rewarding. What I am saying and will say again it is EXTREMELY nice to have the spectrum to have the kids I fight with everyday as well as the kids who already like me and will do what I ask.

Finally, the last comment is that I was so excited for my 8th grade honors class. I was so sure this was going to be my favorite class (and it still probably will be). I knew almost all of these kids last year because I taught them all and so I thought about how well behaved the class would be. But NO, they too got what I call the eighth grade demon this summer. Now, if you don't teach eighth graders or if you haven't paid attention to the differences between a 7th, 8th, or 9th grader I will try to describe to you what I mean. But trust me as someone who knows 8th graders undergo a transformation and are just so weird and BAD. They jaws become unhinged and they don't know how to STOP TALKING!!!! Also they decide that it is time to exert their independence or something so they want to tell you how to run things and what to do, so they talk back ALL THE TIME, and then they are always trying to be funny by cracking jokes that border or disrespect. Plus they stop wanting to impress the teacher and therefore stop doing work, but don't worry it only lasts a year and then suddenly they are ninth graders who will just sit and do/say nothing over actually making a fuss. If they are still not good students they are pretty much biding their time till they can drop out and so they just sit and do nothing. Don't get me wrong every grade has their "peaches" as I call them. In fact, the worst student I ever EVER had was a seventh grader. But I am talking in general terms about the class as a whole. So after having a day of only seventh graders when I my eighth graders came in the second day I was already having to yell at them and I couldn't help to think they were going to DRIVE ME CRAZY!!!! Worst of all I have an eighth grade homeroom and so in that class they won't shut up because they feel they don't have to shut up. I am going to KILL on of them sooner or later. Okay Okay y'all should know me well enough to know that I am not ACTUALLY going to kill someone but I am trying to make you understand just HOW ANNOYING the Eighth grader DEMON that possesses my once sweet seventh graders really is.

Old Patterns Die Hard

So I have officially moved. Yes, I am still having mixed emotions about it but the thing that amazed me is that things don't change as much as I thought or hoped!!!!! You see I am in the same old male patterns as always it was horrible.

Growing Up.....

Growing up is expensive, scary, and completely necessary.
So I have had a lot of changes all at once.
First, friends~ It has been a weird road and I don't regret anything that has happened because it has put me on the path that I am and it has made somethings possible but it is hard to feel like to do certain things and to be you that you have to give up friends that have meant the world to you.
Second, Apartment~ Since March I have been struggling to know where to live. I was going to move up North....didn't feel good about it. I was going to stay in Provo...didn't feel good about it. Finally, I felt like I just needed to move on with life. I decided to stay in Provo. After scoping out places with some fun girls we decided on a place. We announced our intention to sign contracts.....a couple days later the other two girls signed. It took me about three weeks to finally sign, then I looked at it again and immediately backed out because the one we signed for wasn't at all like the one we looked out. Then we lost one of the girls and gained another girl and kinda looked. Cancelled our old contract and were supposed to sign new ones but I just kept putting it off....and putting it off....and putting it off....nothing felt right. Then bam.....one day I looked at Craigslist and found a place...first one all year...I felt excited for....two days later still felt good....saw it and still felt good.....signed for it and still felt good. Here is the schocker it is up north in Sandy but really close to Midvale and 10 minutes from my school....WOW!!!!! Life changes so suddenly and I feel so good about it. Four out of the five girls in the house are teachers....YAY!!!!!
Third- Along with moving comes expenses...Now I have to furnish my own room...OUCH!!!! Luckily, I found CHEAP furniture. Unfortunately, my bed was 1,000. Man growing up is EXPENSIVE!!!!!!
Last item DATING~ Sometimes I am hopeful, sometimes depressed, sometimes I just don't care. Well I went on the BEST DATE of my LIFE a little bit ago. I was so excited. It has been a long time building and I thought that maybe for once this might be a different story. Well, WRONG.... see since I finally saw it as a possibility and I tried being open I stopped being interesting and I haven't heard from the guy since. Ah well!!!!! Now I just don't care. I am tired of the games and I just want to be me and maybe save up for some FUN VACATIONS next summer! Hopefully, I won't have to spend 1500 on my car this year and 40 a week in gas since I won't be commuting and putting so many miles on my car. And that will leave some money for a England vacation!!!!! I am going with people or alone I am just tired of waiting for other people so I am going with or without them!

Lots of random Thoughts updated

People have often criticized me or judged me for not always saying what is on my mind. I have been thinking about this a lot recently with all my free time and I do not see how this is a problem. Yes, occassionally I bottle up pain and emotion and so I act rashly and irrationally at moments. But you know I watch other people and some people are so willing to say whatever they want that they forget about other people's feelings and emotions. We get so caught in how we have been wronged or how we have been hurt, which I know I am guilty of, that we spout things off to try and get our point across that we forget there is always the other side. Most of the time when I say things that are on my mind it comes out wrong and it comes out because of anger or pain. I know that I have never expressed myself well under those conditions and it always causes more harm then good. I think that is true in so so many circumstances. Open communication is what is ideal but to often it doesn't happen and it isn't one person's fault. People claim that they speak their mind but no one really does. I don't care what you say if you say you always speak your mind you are lying to yourself.Also what is the point of saying things because people will believe what they want regardless.So often people hurt me and I never tell them. Why? Because I make the assumuption it was a mistake or it wasn't meant to be hurtful. So I brush it aside and I get over it and sometimes when the person does the same thing over and over again all the times come back and I explode but I am not sure it isn't better to give people the benefit of the doubt and hten get upset when it is obvious they meant harm or just don't know how to not hurt you, though as I have previously said the way I act when I explode is not the best and I need to work on the that aspect I am not ashamed of the rest. Maybe all these aspects mean I play a different game then everyone else. I am not one who always has to make it known when people have hurt me or wronged me. Heavens know sometimes I do stupid things when I am trying to protect myself. But the more I think about it the more I am happy. I don't go around assuming I know anyone and how they feel I just try to interpret and help the best possible. Sometimes I make mistakes but at the end of the day I always know that I tried to do what was right by everyone and sometimes that backfires or sometimes intially I was wrong but I try to make up for it. So what if I don't always tell people what I am feeling sometimes people don't need to know.
I used to think I was a optimist and in a certain way I am. I always believe the best of life and I always believe that things will work out for the best. I believe that hope is essential to survival. And I always assume that poeple don't mean to say mean things, don't mean to be hurtful, don't mean to be mean, and don't mean to be undependable. So I always put it on the line and I always go wholeheartedly into things. I trust people and I try to open up to them but over and over agian. More and more I find that people don't deserve it. So I guess I am not as optimistic as I thought because when it comes to people I assume that sooner or later they will let me down. Now this isn't even a betrayal but in other ways and things.

You know people have accused me of a lot of things but the one thing I can say beyond any doubt is that I do not lie to myself. Quite honestly I did for years. I made up stories to help me get through high school and insecurities. If I was lying to everyone including myself I was always always safe. Now the only person I never pretend with is myself. I am very aware of myself. Sometimes a little too aware of myself. I know when and why I am happy, when and why I am sad. There have been very very few times over the past year that my emotions have surprised myself. One of the benefits of it is I never feel the need to declare myself. I never feel the need to explain myself or my actions to anyone or I don't need to make declarations like I am happy, I am this, I am independent, or other things. Sometimes that comes out in conversation but I don't feel like it is anyone else's business if I am happy or not. If I am happy then I will just be happy and I don't need to make sure people know it. If I am sad or hurt I will just be sad and if it has something to do with you and I feel you need to know I will tell you. I guess sometimes I declare myself when I am feeling like other people have the need to declare themselves and I feel like they are doing that to say that I am not so I guess I cannot say I never declare myself. But for the most part I feel like it is no one's business and they don't need to know.
Like I have said in this entry, which is going on for forever, a lot of people judge me and say that I am wrong. You know what, they have no right to speak. Every person is different. Every person handles things differently. Is my way perfect? Not by a long shot but the more I see of other people and understand them the more I realize my way is the best way for me. It is not the only way but it is the best for me.
Well this is what a Week of summer break will do it makes my thoughts random and many. I have been thinking about a lot of things reccently and I have only touched the surface of them maybe I will get better as the summer progresses and being more specific and detailed.

Silver Lining

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And Ill keep believing

In clouds with that sweet silver lining

Most days
I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Somethings keeping me safe
And alive

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And Ill keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

I won't give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that Ive found it
Nothing can take that away

Highest Compliment you can get

Last week I was in charge of a celebration night at my school. I had to plan games, activities, power points,projects, performance, food, etc. Regardless I was very stressed and very very busy for a couple of days. The day of the night I had about ten kids that stayed after school till 8:30 at night helping me with everything. I became very bossy. Go there, do this, set up this, go get me a water, go yell at this person, it was command after command. And after awhile I feel really really bad about it.

So after we cleaned up and were walking out I said to one of the students that I was sorry for being so bossy. She said it wasn't a problem and she didn't see it that way. She didn't think I was being bossy and then she said, "I did everything you asked me to without question because you have my complete respect and so I am always going to do what you say." I was touched and it is the highest complete somebody could give me. I was so touched and then I thought even more about it.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Desribes Me Perfectly

Were you just kidding cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down we almost never speak
I don’t feel welcome anymore, baby what happened please tell me
Cause one second it was perfect and now you’re half way out the door

[Chorus]
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin at all
And you flash back to when he said forever and always
Ohh ohhh
And it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always


Was I out of line did I say something way too honest
That made you run and hide like a scared little boy
I looked into your eyes; thought I knew you for a minute
now I’m not so sure
So here’s to everything coming down to nothing
Here’s to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going, thought I knew for a minute
but I don’t anymore

General Conference is a HOLIDAY!!!!

So growing up my mom made General Conference one of the most looked forward times in my entire life. I am not kidding. Every time General Conference time comes around I get so excited. I feel like I am about to experience Christmas and it makes me SO SO HAPPY! I love it! My mom would dance around the house doing a countdown to General Conference. She would make all sorts of treats such as homemade rolls and cinnamon rolls. She would buy candy and she would show us how to spiritually prepare for it as well. Saturday Morning session was always a big breakfast and usually CREPES, so so good. Then in between sessions on sunday (sometimes not till after the second session) she would make a huge dinner of Ham or Roast; these are all special items and things that we don't get all the time and that set conference apart. These temporal things showed me that General Conference was special and should be honored and put aside from the rest of the world. Now, I don't always have a crepe breakfast or a special dinner but I still look forward to General Conference because it is special purely because of the spirit that accompanies it.

YES MOMENT!!!

Every once and awhile you have one of those moments where you realize that you are actually getting some where. So much of the time you go throughout life and you wonder if you are touching anyone or doing any good.

Well on friday it was a day where the kids were not at school and we had time to work together and to enter grades. So the kids have a day off and ten of them come in to visit me. The kids voluntarily came in to talk to me ON THEIR DAY OFF!!!! Yes, I would say that proves I am one of the coolest teachers EVER!!!!