Extremes and Opposites

This is really an interesting topic to me especially since it has come up several times with different people. Well I decided that in a fit of insomnia I should blog about it. The first part of this is personality traits. Some of my best traits are directly tied to my worst traits. I care for people deeply and I never let go of a friend lightly. I stress about any time when I am consider to not be as close to someone and I can't sleep. Hmmm.....I wonder if I just figured out my problem tonight. When you get into my inner circle or inside my wall I never want to have you leave. I mean I am so protective of myself as is and it hurts to have someone I trust completely not in my life anymore. I care very deeply. I love teaching and I care and love my students like they were my own children to be separated from them for a whole summer is giving my anxiety added on to the fact that since I am changing schools I won't see them, but I digress. I really really love people and will do just about anything for someone who is my friend. Wake up at 3am to correct a paper no problem. Bake you your favorite pie because you had a bad day, I'll get right on it. Stay up till 1am though I am getting up a 5 because you need to talk, no problem. I would give an arm, a leg, anything for a friend. Most people admire this quality in me. But it leaves me vunerable to feeling and being used, which trust me I often do. Fine, I will host a dinner for you thank you for helping (though you never did) and making me do all the work and then making fun of me the entire dinner. Here let me take care of you, teach you how to dress, go to every one of your performances, print of pictures for you, celebrate your birthday, and support you in everything you do while you don't even remember when my birthday is and you forget to talk to me till you need something. The other problem is that this bend over backwards quality is directly linked to one of my most negative qualities. When I hate you I really really hate you. I don't hide it and I make sure you feel my wrath and once I hate you it is hard for me to stop. In other words I hold grudges and have a hard time forgiving people who hurt me, though I have gotten better recently I am still not there.
The other really extreme good quality is that when I am happy I am really happy. As my friend said, when I am happy and at my best I am addictive people can't handle not being around me. I have an energy that is contagious and an open heart that makes everyone feel comfortable. But on the flip side when I get depressed no one can handle me because I go so deep into my depression. Now this one has mellowed out a lot as I have grown up. I no longer go as deep and dark into my depression and I am more constantly and consistently happy but I can still get pretty bad.
Now this isn't a quality but another extreme to quote Anne of the Island which talks about this the best, "Those who soar to the highest heights can also plunge to the deepest depths, and that the natures which enjoy most keenly are those which also suffer most sharply." It seems so true. When you learn to really enjoy life and you get happier than most people ever do you seem to also crash harder than other people. So in other words those who enjoy life the most also feel the pain the most and at not the most stable people emotional or they can be pretty stable but have really rough patches.
That leads me to my over arching question. Is it worth it? I mean seriously is it. Does that fact that I care so much make me a good teacher like I and others believe? If that is what makes me good do I have to hate so vehemently to keep my ability to care and love so much? Can I soften my hatred and still care as much? Or does it only work because I am so extreme? Also is it worth the crash to soar so high? This one especially relates to romance....Is is worthy liking a boy and giving him your all when you have so much experience getting hurt when the boy doesn't return your feelings or is it not worth it. Is the crash too painful and the high to short lived? But it is also all aspects of life because it is true the higher you soar the further down you have to go the hit the ground and it hurts. You love teaching and you love your students and you love your school and you don't want to leave and your school doesn't want you to leave but the school cannot get rid of the teacher who hates the students and hates teaching because he has tenure so after soaring high......CRASH you have to change schools and get a new job in a school that is farther away and not air conditioned. That crash hurt badly because I soared so high with my kids. But at the same time I wouldn't give up this past year and my kids at Dixon for all the money in the world, nor would I ever give up Sherri who inspires me even when I am apart from her. So I guess that is the answer. The crash makes the soaring that much better. After all, "There most be opposition in all things." If we don't know sorrow than how are we suppose to know what joy is. I would hope as I continue to improve that the extremes don't need to be in my personality traits but I would rather feel the sorrow and soar to the highest heights than I would want to avoid the crashes no matter how badly they hurt. Because after all when I fall I can get back up again.

Let me Fall by Alexz Johnson
....
I can't stop or give it up
I need to feel the pain

Can you hear me?
Don't come near me
You'll just get in my way
I'm only human
And there's nothing you can say

(Chorus]
Let me rise, let me fall
Let me breathe
I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all
Let me break, let me crawl
Cause I will get up again if you let me fall