What I learned

I am not sure if this is the lesson I was supposed to learn but I learned yet again that I cannot depend upon anyone else but myself. You see for a really long time I have tried to combat the things from my childhood that made me completely wall people out. Back in the day I realized that couldn't trust anyone, sooner or later they abuse me, take advantage of me, abandon me, betray me, and hurt me. So I decided the best defense was to keep everyone out and I was very successful.

Then as I was in college I decided that maybe that wasn't the best thing. It meant that I was completely closed off. It also meant that I was really really lonely. I realized that it was only hurting myself so I have worked very very hard to get past some of these issues. And I have started to let more people in.

But these past couple of weeks have been a major set back. The two people closest to me have completely let me down. One has been off the grid. I am in crisis mode major and I really need her advice and her help because I am completely falling apart but no matter how hard I tried I cannot get a hold of her. I know she has her own life and I am not mad but I just feel like that why should I let anyone in because they all let me down and when I depend on someone else I feel completely alone and lost when they can't/won't help me.

The other person has completely shut me out, ignored, and hurt me repeatedly. I really don't understand what has happened. I really don't understand why our friendship fell apart and it makes everything so much harder. I want to move on and forget but all this is doing is proving I cannot trust or depend upon anyone because they all let me down in the end. I don't know if this is the lesson I was supposed to learn but it is the one I did learn....AGAIN!