Something weird that I do

So today I was contemplating myself. You see I do something contradictory and weird. Whenever I need people the most I shut them all out. Usually it is after something that has caused me an immense amount of pain-which usually involves someone I trust betraying that trust and/ or abandoning me. So I need people but because I have been hurt by someone I trust I become distrustful of all people. Quite honestly I yell at myself for doing it but I test people. I figure if someone really wants to know what is going on then they will find a way in and to prove they are my friends. Honestly, I do this all subconcicous what I mean by that is that I am aware I do this and put them to the trust--I internally yell at myself when someone is trying to get through but I am still shutting them out because I want to talk- but for some reason they haven't passed the test. Yep, I have actually sat and wished that people would push me enough that I would be able to talk to someone and pull out of my own head because my head space is dangerous right now. I want friends and companionship but I am still making it impossible to reach me because you have to pass this test that I seem to be making people go through.

Now, one of the weird things is I don't know how to pass my own test because that is what I am not aware of. I just know that I am being unfair but I also cannot seem to stop myself. My fear is crippling me. I am also surprised and hurt by who is trying to get through and who isn't. Really this is the biggest shock. For example if I had put money on the people in my apartment about which one (or ones) would try and which ones would not try I would have lost a lot of money. And at least I am making one roommate happy because now she gets to be closer to another roommate because I am out of the picture and I know her well enough to know there is a part of her that hopes I stay this way so she can have that roommate as a close personal friend

I guess the moral of the story is that I know I am being difficult and I know that it is hard to be around me right now. For that I am sorry but also know I am trying. I am trying to fight my nature, although I am losing right now, I haven't given up the fight. Also know that I am hurting right now and cut me a little slack I am trying to pull myself out of it and trying to just give me a little time....and maybe a little Twilight....