You're freakin' out again
'Cause all your fears remind you
Another dream has come undone
You want somebody, just anybody
To bring some peace through your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light..
'Cause all your fears remind you
Another dream has come undone
You want somebody, just anybody
To bring some peace through your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light..
I will once again publicly announce that I spewed toxic waste. There is a slight difference this time. I said something I was actually feeling but in a very "vicious"way. I feel really bad for the way I voiced how I was feeling though I don't take it back either. I wish I had said it in a different way. Well I think it finally broke the friendship beyond repair. What is my problem?
I don't know all the answers to that question but I do know some of the answers. One of the issues is something that only one person knows about. But some of the other answers are easier. The one question I cannot answer is how did this end the friendship? After everything we have been through how is it possible that this is going to be the last straw and before this I would have told anyone who asked that I KNEW our friendship was stronger than this. But I was guess I was wrong. I was SO WRONG!
Throughout my life I have definitely been a contradiction because I am an open book and at the same time a fortress. What I mean by that is that I am who I am. I don't change my personality to impress anyone I am just me. But I hardly let anyone completely in. I can honestly say that in my recent history there have only been two people completely in. I have know have ruined the friendship with one of those people. The other one is missing in action meaning I have been trying to talk to her but she is in a mess with her own garbage and I don't want to harass her too much. So where does leave me? LONELY
There are other people who I am close with and know A LOT about me but not everything. So I try to talk to them about some things (though I cannot talk to them about the hardest issue because of how complicated it is). It also leaves me with a lot of guilt and pain. Last night was another sleepless night and the worst part is that my students are receiving the bulk of the punishment. Meaning I am tired, emotional taxed, and stress those making me grumpy, cranky, and impatient.
Then a year ago this weekend my best friend growing up died of cancer. I have dealt with that though some events, such as the anniversary, re-fresh some of those feelings. Which has compounded the pain of losing the friend as mentioned earlier. You see I didn't talk to the best friend before she died. Distance and time were factors on us drifting apart and I never got the chance to tell her just how much she meant to me. She was so influential and I always thought that we would be friends again someday, and I knew she was dying and thought about calling her everyday but was scared. Scared of what she would think or say to me because it was so long, scared she didn't want to talk to me and so I would be rejected, and finally worried about taking time away from her family. I have regretted those fears and the fact I didn't talk to her from the moment I got the news. So with this friendship falling apart at the same time as the anniversary it has made me really think.
I do not want the vicious thing I said to be the last time I talk to this friend. If they or I were to die I don't want this to be the last thing. What about all the times we laughed? Or all the times we were there for each other? Or how much we cared about each other? Is that all lost now? Possibly.
This all brings me back to the song quoted at the begining:
To bring some peace through your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light..
I don't know all the answers to that question but I do know some of the answers. One of the issues is something that only one person knows about. But some of the other answers are easier. The one question I cannot answer is how did this end the friendship? After everything we have been through how is it possible that this is going to be the last straw and before this I would have told anyone who asked that I KNEW our friendship was stronger than this. But I was guess I was wrong. I was SO WRONG!
Throughout my life I have definitely been a contradiction because I am an open book and at the same time a fortress. What I mean by that is that I am who I am. I don't change my personality to impress anyone I am just me. But I hardly let anyone completely in. I can honestly say that in my recent history there have only been two people completely in. I have know have ruined the friendship with one of those people. The other one is missing in action meaning I have been trying to talk to her but she is in a mess with her own garbage and I don't want to harass her too much. So where does leave me? LONELY
There are other people who I am close with and know A LOT about me but not everything. So I try to talk to them about some things (though I cannot talk to them about the hardest issue because of how complicated it is). It also leaves me with a lot of guilt and pain. Last night was another sleepless night and the worst part is that my students are receiving the bulk of the punishment. Meaning I am tired, emotional taxed, and stress those making me grumpy, cranky, and impatient.
Then a year ago this weekend my best friend growing up died of cancer. I have dealt with that though some events, such as the anniversary, re-fresh some of those feelings. Which has compounded the pain of losing the friend as mentioned earlier. You see I didn't talk to the best friend before she died. Distance and time were factors on us drifting apart and I never got the chance to tell her just how much she meant to me. She was so influential and I always thought that we would be friends again someday, and I knew she was dying and thought about calling her everyday but was scared. Scared of what she would think or say to me because it was so long, scared she didn't want to talk to me and so I would be rejected, and finally worried about taking time away from her family. I have regretted those fears and the fact I didn't talk to her from the moment I got the news. So with this friendship falling apart at the same time as the anniversary it has made me really think.
I do not want the vicious thing I said to be the last time I talk to this friend. If they or I were to die I don't want this to be the last thing. What about all the times we laughed? Or all the times we were there for each other? Or how much we cared about each other? Is that all lost now? Possibly.
This all brings me back to the song quoted at the begining:
To bring some peace through your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That some day you're gonna see the light..
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