Sunday, August 3, 2008

People are Different

If I were a friend, family member, or a stranger who stumbles across this post my first reaction would be...NO DUH!!!! People are different, we all cope differently, we all want different things, we all have different trials, we all have different strengths, different perspectives and even different images. Tonight I was face yet again with my facade and my reality that people never seem to get. I guess I still hate the assumption people make about me. They don't know me....truth is hardly anyone knows me and one of the people who does know me has failed me again. What do I do when everyone who I trust seems to leave? Isn't that more telling than anything else I have been through. Doesn't that tell you the truth the truth about me and about who I really am. I am always careful, very very careful. I hate asking for help and it seems like every time I do I never get the help I need. How did this turn into a post about me.

People are different and sometimes it is so hard to explain what you think and what you feel. Sometimes it just all comes out wrong. You try to help a friend and it hurts them. You try to protect a friend and it is misinterpreted. You find out things you don't want to know and then you fight the debate on whether you should tell a friend even if it might crush there hope or if you live by the philosophy to never be the messenger because your likely to be shot.

I have always lived by this code of honor that it is better to hear it from a friend then to be caught unaware. I have always felt that it was better to know then to not know. But is this so mistaken attempt to be selfish? Lately I have been feeling the need to just stay out but as a see a friend get more and more embroiled I am scared for them. I have always told before shouldn't I tell now or is it already too late. A thought from Batman: The Dark Knight struck me but I debated on if I agreed or not; I cannot quote it but basically: Sometimes people deserve something better than the truth because they need hope to make things worthwhile. I didn't know how I felt about this because I was raised knowing there was ultimate truth. Is there anything better than the truth of the gospel, atonement, priesthood....No there isn't. But on a smaller scale does a friend deserve a better truth than the reality. Won't it catch up and hurt worse.

The other thing is that we all judge each other based on our own individual scales or in other word's are personal truths, different than universal truths. God is a universal truth, he is true no matter who you are. But a personal truth is something about you that comes from your experience. I.E The friendliest person you may know might also be the loneliness and their outgoing personality is a cover for pain and rejection and they sit wishing some one would notice them. That isn't true for all friendly people but it is for those people who have had a journey, a past, and a defensive mechanism built. One personal truth may be that you resist what you want because you might be hurt. Such as all day today I thought about the person from my previous post. I wanted to talk to them, I wanted to just hear their voice, I wanted to reach out and know that they were still there, I wanted to know they still cared, I wanted to be with them, I wanted to hug them, I wanted anything I could get from them so I spent the whole day making sure I didn't text, call, or even facebook them. At the end of the day all I wanted to do is cry. But at the same time the attachment didn't grow anymore, expectations didn't increase, and the bond of trust and confidence was severed a little bit more. But others are not like me....they see what they want and they go for it. They want to see someone fine they will just go over to their apartment, they will call, they will text, they will go out of their way to make sure they run into this person therefore expectations increase and the bond increases. They take the risks and the risks might pay off or at least for sure will someday pay off. But you cannot take the risks without putting it all on the line and taking the chance that you might fall ten stories up to the asphalt.

Something I strongly believe though is Einstein's saying: "Insanity is trying the same things over and over again and expecting different results." I keep on trying to be guy's friends and not push things so they realize how great I am and that has left alone. Am I the one that is insane because I keep trying to be the friend and wonder why I am always the friend and never the girlfriend. But even if that is insane do I want to pursue the guy. NO WAY! I am sorry. I will do the best I can to encourage, flirt, and put myself out there by being friendly. But I don't want to be the aggressive girl making the moves on all the boys and chasing them. I am not on the hunt. The saddest part of this to me is that I see handfuls of the best girls I ever know not getting treated they way they deserve. They should be adored and sought after not put on a back burning waiting and hoping someone will actually notice them. Isn't it settling for second best if the only way you can get a guy is to make it easier to give in and humor you and hope it grows into something more. I think that women of my generation have become more aggressive. I want a career, I want, I want, and I WILL GET it. Not saying there is anything wrong with a career....Don't you dare try to take away teaching from me. But I want a career, I want to be considered equal, I want to do what I want to do and I want all the recognition. Therefore, I see a guy I want I will pursue it with full purpose. Why would guys make the first move if the girls are starting to make the moves? Girls complain that Chivalry is dead and on a whole I agree. The murderer though is women, pushy, aggressive, go after what I want no matter the cost women. They make it easy for guys to be wimps. Girls who without ever going on a date with a guy will kiss the guy. Girls who will call and call and call a guy when you never intiates any of the contact. Girls who will ask the guys out. Don't get me wrong I think some of these things are good in moderation. But I have one friend who has only been on like two or three dates where she DID NOT ask the guy (excluding dates once they were officially a couple). I know I have asked guys on dates before (which as a side note all of the times turned out horrible the dates were usually a blast but the after events were MISERABLE only one date I asked the guy on didn't turn into a weird fall out situation....Winter preference my freshman year of college.) I still feel like we are shooting are selves in the foot. I have never had a friend (including the one who asked out a lot of boys) who didn't want the boy to adore her and to make her feel special and one of a kind, but can we feel that way if we are the ones doing all the pursuing and the boys are the ones who seem to say fine whatever. I don't want a fine whatever, I don't want a guy who when you congratulate on their engagement says, "yeah, thanks, I guess." I want the guy who says, "I was so lucky she agreed to marry me." or "I am so excited to start our life together." or even "I am glad that we found each other." I want the guy who wants to tell the world they are in love. I know this is a lot to ask for, and maybe it is too much. But I don't want to marry without love and love should produce an excitement for marriage not an individual who comes off as being resigned to marriage.

I don't know if any of this makes sense because it doesn't to me yet. I guess this is what this blog is about for me. It is about my need to be heard. To be able to say things I wouldn't normally say, or maybe I would, but it is a way for me to speak and not get into a debate or discussion because a lot of this issues are stuff I just need to work out for myself. At the same time I am curious what other people think. Also I am so sorry I guess I just needed to rant to cyberspace tonight because this is about 5 times longer than I thought it would be.

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