Another Check Mark in the NOT perfect column

I have never been perfect and today I got yet another check mark in the defitinely not perfect column.
I am a person who generally is able to find other's vunerablities but I have never exploited them before. I am also one of those devious minds that thinks of all the ways they can be mean or hurtful but I usually find a way to calm myself down or at least restrain myself till the urges past.
Well not tonight after having the no good, rotten, horrible, make you want to cry for weeks, never wake up again, rather be dead days I proceeded to go out to dinner with a group that exasparated my already fragile and frazzled nerves so then that day turned into 20 times worse the the above described day and I lost my restraint. I said some of the most hurtful things I could ever imagine saying to one of my best friends. And now I know they are gone for good. Our friendship cannot survive me spewing that much toxic at him when it was already fragile as it was. Nor do I deserve his friendship after what I did to him. I never thought I would stoop to taking the knowledge and insight I have about a person and using it against them. Now they won't talk to me and I am once again all alone.
It takes me forever to trust someone I cannot afford to push those I do away but that is EXACTLY what I did. I do deserve to be all alone.

Signing off
Lonely and shall remain
Repentant but to no avail