STUPID!!!

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life and I will continue to do them I have no doubt but I guess recently it is thinking that things would change.

I thought that this was the year that I would have a BLAST with my roommates. After all I was moving in with one of the coolest people I know. But instead of having a blast I feel completely and utterly isolated. Now I kinda did that to myself. I am an all or nothing kinda of a girl. (I am working on it). And I friend didn't want to hear me when I said I didn't like the way she was being treated and that I just saw how she was continually hurt and so I hurt for her and it just got to painful for me to watch so my options were do something that would cause a huge fight or stop being her friend. I have continually wrestled with this and because the last thing I want to do is fight I have just isolated myself for now until I can come up with something else. But I miss having FUN!!! It has been a long time because all at has been is conversations revolving around one person it seems. I just want to laugh and be silly again!!!! Is that really too much to ask? Is it too much to want to care for her enough that I would sacrifice my own life for her? Is it selfish to realize that the situation was so draining that I didn't have anything left for my students so I had to get off the ride?

I also thought things would be different in love. I finally found someone who was just like my best friend but also that calmed me down and mellowed me out. Now he is ignoring me. He has made it painfully clear he doesn't want that much to do with me. I guess the smartest thing I have done recently is to not becoming vulnerable to him and not trust him because if I had this would hurt so much more. Instead I am just in pain because of what might have been and what seemed to be. That is where I was stupid. I thought I FINALLY had found a boy that was interested in me. Maybe didn't full blown like me but you know wanted to be around me. Wanted to talk to me about my students and my life. Wanted to tell me about his life. Wanted to get to know me better and give me a chance. WRONG!!!! It seems as if the only reason he wanted to talk to me was to get to my roommates. And that hurts worse than anything.


So in the end here is what I am left with.....I want to move, the sooner the better. And I give up. I feel like if it couldn't happen with these boy it will never happen and so why bother. I am done. Maybe that will change. Hopefully it will. But it is like a quote I read about running recently. You have to forget about the pain of running the first marathon before you even think about running the next one. I need to recover from the heart break of liking this boy before I think about liking another.

On the positive side: at least it is raining. I LOVE THE RAIN!!!! Rain calms my soul. Which believe me this is more coherent and calm then I have been recently.