Line

Cause you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me

If it kills me

The Line between Romance and Friendship

This invisible line is constantly on my mind. It is such a thin line and so often it is blurred. It also causes me a lot of problems. To me the line is so so clear most of the time. But it often causes a problem for those around me and for other boys that come into my life. They just don't understand the relationship that I have with my best friend. I understand exactly where we stand but others make judgments.

Now, hopefully I can make myself clear and coherent. Sometimes I just wish that the line wouldn't be so hard. It is so confusing for myself and others. Here is my issue. I have people say things about my best friend being my soulmate. I also have everyone think that we are a couple when they see us together. And Finally I have people who say things similar to, "I wish I could find someone like [name of best friend here]," or "You guys have the type of relationship I want." Or "I wish I had what you guys have." Or "I love watching how you guys are together." After awhile you either get confused of sick of it. Then you grow past it... But do you really?


I feel that I have done a really good job understanding exactly where I stand on the issue and with my best friend. I don't want it to be any other way. At the same time I recognize three important factors.
1. It cannot stay this way forever, he will marry and we will grow apart.
2. Why would I need another best friend if I already have one?>
3. We both are going to progress which means our relationship has to change for that reason as well.

Honestly, since I was a kid I wanted to marry the person that I could tell everything too. The one who made me feel beautiful when I was sick. To make me feel like I was wonderful on my worst day. Who when they saw me falling apart would pick up the pieces and tell me how rare it was. I need it to be someone who when I trust them they don't hurt me with their insider knowledge. Who loves me for all my flaws and not inspite of them. In the end I want my best friend. This is the most confusing aspect for me. I want to marry my "best friend" but right now my best friend is not someone I want to marry. I love him more than I could ever express but it just stays right there. There is a part of me that believes that it would be so easy to be with him. Just one small step and we would be there. Just one small kiss and that would be enough. It would be easy, marry him move on with life and I know that we would always get along. But at the same time that is the last thing I want because it isn't enough and it isn't right. He is my best friend and nothing more and that is all I want. People don't believe me when I say that but it is true.

LOVE BOY MEETS WORLD

Enough said. The show takes me back to simpler times when I was carefree!!!!

I still believe that there's a destiny
That this winding road is leading me to
Someone I'm meant to find forever with
Who would never tear my dreams in two
But I guess that I'll find someone new

I just always thought it was you.

To borrow a line from a movie.... It looks like I was wrong but it wouldn't be the first time nor will it be the last time. I always throw myself in. I see someone who is sweet and kind. Who treats me well and I believe that this time it will be different. This time it will be worth it. That I will somehow be able to change myself and my nature and I won't become just the friend but I will be something more. I also fight myself in trying to make myself vulnerable and trying to be open to the future. I try and I try and I try. But the results are always the same. I think that I have found what I was looking for just to hit the wall and end up in the hospital. But I won't give up. I guess that I will find someone new because I know that God has a plan for me and my life.

I AM IN LOVE!!!!!

Here is the story: About three weeks ago when I had my laptop at school it ended up crashing to the floor and getting beat up. It has been doing weird things and the DVD drive was completely useless. It would shut down randomly and delete my files. This became a major problem that I had to take care of. I looked in to getting it fixed but it would cost the same amount as a new laptop. So I found one I wanted, ordered it directly from the company and they shipped it to me. I just got it recently and it is AWESOME.

Seriously, the screen on my computer is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO GOOD!!!! Crystal clear and such a high pixel count. WOW!!!! Also it has a ten key!!!!It is so shiny and FAST!!!!! SUPER FAST!!!!! I love it!!!!!! Plus, it came with a remote control...AWESOME!!!!

I am confident to say I AM IN LOVE....with my computer. And for once I believe it is a love that will last!!!!!!

Everyday and then bam they shock you

So everyday I give everything to my students. I am there friend, their teacher, and sometimes a mother figure in their lives. Between 200 students it is draining. Someone always needs something. Someone needs to be heard and listened to. Someone wants to give you an excuse. Someone cannot find their lunch money. Some of them need to know they can trust you. Some of them need a friend. Someone to take care of their boo boos (yes, they still need that in middle school.) They just need something from me all the time. And guess what? I LOVE IT!!! I thrive off of them needing me. I live and breathe it. I makes me feel like I have a purpose and it makes me feel like I am making a difference in these kids life. I really truly love it. And so everyday it is them draining everything out of me and exhausting me. But everyday I am thankful and blessed that I am exhausted because I am giving everything to my kids.

And then you have a day like I did this week. Where the kids saw me....truly saw me. They fought through there self-centered normal attitudes (which face it teenagers are self-centered) and they saw that their teacher was in pain. Some kids responded by being good which was more than I could ever ask from them normally. Some of them stayed in between classes and told me jokes. Some of them gave me hugs. Most of them just smiled and told me I was a great teacher. One of them actually wrote me a thank you note. And I realize that I do reach the kids and in return they help me and they strengthen me. I don't know if I could have made it through that awful day without them. So everday they take and take from me and that is fine especially one all the sudden they have one day where they give it all back to me plus some. I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

My Seventh Period

So here is the truth. I should dislike my seventh period. I have five kids who are CONSTANTLY talking TO ME. Even when I am trying to give a lesson. Every time there is any sort of a break they start talking to each other. They are constantly talking back to me. "No Teacher, I wasn't talking." And they do all sorts of things that are my pet peeves for students to do. As a class as a whole they go so slowly and it feels like everything drags. So they should be my worse class of the day. But for some reason. THEY ARE NOT!!! They crack me up that is the class period every day I just have to laugh at or with someone. Everyday someone says something hilarious. Plus, three students in that class react so funny when they are in trouble. I have one student who is learning English that when he is in trouble he changes his face through every emotion till he hits a face that creates a reaction. He goes from sadness, embarassment, anger, defiance, and smiling all within a minute to see which one will make me go okay no more but I won't get you in trouble today. Honestly, all of his faces just make me laugh and that is why he gets out of trouble. I know, I let him get out of trouble for making me laugh but guess what TEACHERS ARE HUMAN TOO!!!! I know, I know hard to believe. Though I try to be completely fair sometimes without even knowing it I am nicer to some kids and meaner to others. I read just yesterday that Kids laugh over a 1,000 times a day and adults 4. That is just sad because I love to laugh. I love to laugh at myself and the stupid things I do and I love to laugh with friends. But I will tell you that my average is better than all other adults with 4 and it isn't because of me or my friends it is because my kids at school. They keep me young and seventh period is the period that makes me laugh the most and the most often. So Thanks y'all!

A lot about Hope

I wonder if we as a people are struggling with hope. After all so much of conference this year was focused on Hope. We obviously need to remember it in hard times. I know that was a message for me recently. I have been losing sight of my own hope. That was a hard thing for me in and of myself. In hard times I have always been able to hold onto hope and it helped me through. This recent trials and sufferings have left me actually feeling for the first time in a long time. Hopeless. If it did not happen with this boy then it problem was not going to happen with any boy. If I cannot be trust these friends who can I trust. And the things have gone on tell I felt like there was no hope. I knew rationally different but I just felt like that was the case.

And another thing!!!

And another pet peeve recently. Why can't a girl be best friends with a guy? My best friend is a guy and everyone assumes that there is more to it than there really is. I mean why can't a girl just be friends with a guy? Why is that impossible? So it ruins possibilities because people think something is going on that isn't and people are always gossiping about it all the time. I hate it. He is my best friend that I don't have romantic feelings for it is possible.

STUPID!!!

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life and I will continue to do them I have no doubt but I guess recently it is thinking that things would change.

I thought that this was the year that I would have a BLAST with my roommates. After all I was moving in with one of the coolest people I know. But instead of having a blast I feel completely and utterly isolated. Now I kinda did that to myself. I am an all or nothing kinda of a girl. (I am working on it). And I friend didn't want to hear me when I said I didn't like the way she was being treated and that I just saw how she was continually hurt and so I hurt for her and it just got to painful for me to watch so my options were do something that would cause a huge fight or stop being her friend. I have continually wrestled with this and because the last thing I want to do is fight I have just isolated myself for now until I can come up with something else. But I miss having FUN!!! It has been a long time because all at has been is conversations revolving around one person it seems. I just want to laugh and be silly again!!!! Is that really too much to ask? Is it too much to want to care for her enough that I would sacrifice my own life for her? Is it selfish to realize that the situation was so draining that I didn't have anything left for my students so I had to get off the ride?

I also thought things would be different in love. I finally found someone who was just like my best friend but also that calmed me down and mellowed me out. Now he is ignoring me. He has made it painfully clear he doesn't want that much to do with me. I guess the smartest thing I have done recently is to not becoming vulnerable to him and not trust him because if I had this would hurt so much more. Instead I am just in pain because of what might have been and what seemed to be. That is where I was stupid. I thought I FINALLY had found a boy that was interested in me. Maybe didn't full blown like me but you know wanted to be around me. Wanted to talk to me about my students and my life. Wanted to tell me about his life. Wanted to get to know me better and give me a chance. WRONG!!!! It seems as if the only reason he wanted to talk to me was to get to my roommates. And that hurts worse than anything.


So in the end here is what I am left with.....I want to move, the sooner the better. And I give up. I feel like if it couldn't happen with these boy it will never happen and so why bother. I am done. Maybe that will change. Hopefully it will. But it is like a quote I read about running recently. You have to forget about the pain of running the first marathon before you even think about running the next one. I need to recover from the heart break of liking this boy before I think about liking another.

On the positive side: at least it is raining. I LOVE THE RAIN!!!! Rain calms my soul. Which believe me this is more coherent and calm then I have been recently.

Have I peaked ALREADY

So on friday I went and visited my old school. It was one of the best afternoons in awhile. To go and see those old kids and it made me start to think. HAVE I PEAKED ALREADY?? I mean last year was AWESOME!!! The kids were the best and they still love me. They would visit me all the time I know what was going on in their life and they genuinely wanted to be around me ALL THE TIME. I go to my old school and they surround me and follow me around. All the teachers are giving me hugs the kids are talking about how much they hate all their current history teachers and they wish I was still teaching them. I have them asking for my email address and wanting me to come again. I have some of them say the only way they would do the school play is if I am directing it. On and On and On....And I felt LOVED AND SUCCESSFUL. Those kids are still my favorite and we have a special bond. So is every year bound to fail in comparison. I still love teaching but if I could go back to that school or the high school it feeds I would in a heart beat just to be around that awesome group of kids. I love them with all my heart and miss them. My current kids aren't half as cool....so I repeat is every year going to be second rate compared to last year have I had my best year of teaching so early in my career? Answers are yet to be found!

Hopeful but sad

I'm looking for love this time
Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
Trying not to ask why
Cause love is a mystery
Mr. curiosity
Be Mr. please
Do come and find me

Love is blinding when the timing's never right
Oh who am I to beg for difference
Finding love in just an instant
Well I don't mind, at least I've tried
And I tried, I tried...



This is how I feel right now. Thanks Jason Mraz

My students are WONDERFUL!!!

So I thought that over the weekend my students would go back to being normal. You know lame excuses for why they don't have homework, not wanting to do work, and talking all the time. And it is true that is the facts of every day life except I continue to have more and more students be impressive. I had two kids say they did more research on September 11 over the weekend!!!! One watched a two hour documentary and was telling me all about. Some of the kids brought in newspapers with September 11 things in it. Others printed off articles from the internet. WOW!!!! I have never had a response like this. Even from my "smart" honors class. I think that everyone is underestimating this kids. They are my inspiration because they are fighting against a society and a faculty that deems them as dumb and unmotivated but they are SMART and they DO CARE and that is enough to win my admiration. I will stand with them and fight against the negative ideas because they are a force to be reckoned with. I have included the really good speech by President Bush because it was one of my student's favorite videos.

This Week I am a Success!!!!!

So, when I first started at my new school there was a lot of negativity. In my school you have two very different populations. One half of the school is bussed from all over the district for the ALPS program which is basically the Gifted and Talented program. So you teach ALPS kids or you teach Boundary kids. Well I have the Boundary kids and when people would hear this they would be like. I am so sorry those kids are so bad and they are so slow. They don't care about school and I just wouldn't even bother with homework because they will never do it and that is going to be so so hard. I wanted to scream OF COURSE THEY ARE HARD WHEN YOU HAVE THAT ATTITUDE. But I kept it to myself and I have pushed the Boundary kids and you know what they have achieved everything I have pushed them to do because I believe in them. Then this week they even went above my high expectations for them. It was the anniversary of September 11 and so I took the day out to remember it and talk about it. On friday I had about 20 "dumb" boundary kids come up to me and say they were so interested they went to the library and researched September 11 and they watched videos online and they gave me lists of videos I should check out. I was so proud. They did it all on their own and that is more impressive than a bunch of kids who do their homework assignments because it shows that they can be self-motivated and I was part of that. So this week I was a success!!!!!!!!! (Next week might be a different story)

The true eternal optimist

I am a true optimism. Over and over again I get rejected, my heart gets stomped on, and my insecurities are used against me. But I tried again to open myself up to be vulnerable and to put myself out on a line. I went against my nature to do it. Every time I open myself up I am going against what my natural instincts of preservation tells me to do. It tells me to stay put don't open up again because every time you do you end up getting hurt and crushed. Then I think about how necessary it is to open. I want love more than anything and I cannot get it without risking getting hurt and I always decide the risk is worth it. Every time I am about to open up I also foolishly think that this time it will be different. This time I won't get hurt this time I won't get rejected. I deserve good things and good things will happen. I am the eternal optimism who believes that if I try and if I live right good things will happen. And they will but doesn't mean I will find someone who will love me for me. So it has happened again. I put my heart out their I tried and pushed my natural instincts and in the end I got pain like always. So maybe I am not the optimist, maybe I am insane because afterall Einstien said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Maybe it is time to change what I do and stop hoping that this time will be different, stop putting myself out there and just stick with my students, because at least I know how to win the majority of them over and by the end of the year most of them will love me back. That sounds like a wise investment.

Music says it all

I have and will continue to post a lot of music lyrics because sometimes songs say everything I am thinking and feeling a lot better than I can. And also I just want to share the lyrics that mean a lot to me. Just in case you were wondering

Piece of Your Heart

I know you’re trying to make me happy,
And I know you’re doing it you’re way, way.
And I don’t always make it easy
To know the perfect words to say, say.

If you wanna give me what I want,
Listen, ‘cause I’m gonna tell you what I need so bad.
If you wanna give me what I crave,
Hold me so I can feel your love.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,
I want a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,
Give me a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

Woah, woah, woah, woah,
Ah, oh
Woah, woah, woah

You’re always trying to solve the puzzle,
And you always wanna fix what’s broke, broke.
You keep searching through the rubble,
And never wanna let it go, go.

Sometimes it feels like I’m raining on the inside,
And all the things that I’m trying I don’t get it right.
Yeah, sometimes, I fall but I get up,
And it takes a while but I get there in my own time.

If you wanna give me what I want,
Listen, ‘cause I’m gonna tell you what I need so bad.
If you wanna give me what I crave,
Hold me so I can feel your love.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,
I want a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,
Give me a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

Love is a very wide open door,
You can go through every time you want more.
Why do I feel like the glass is half full,
When I’ve got enough of it to feel, a swimming pool.

Listen, ‘cause I’m gonna tell you what I need so bad.
If you wanna give me what I crave,
Hold me so I can feel your love.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,
I want a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

When the craziness begins to get to me,
Just need a hand to hold, just be that somebody.
It’s your tenderness that’s gonna make it right,

Give me a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind.

Progress or Stupidity

I have a friend that is constantly saying things that I do NOT appreciate all the time. One of my huge things is that one I let someone in and I trust them they will use that knowledge to hurt me or throw it in my face. No matter what the situation this friend always ALWAYS (it seems) using the knowledge she knows about me to turn things against me or analyze my behaviors when sometimes they have nothing to do with it. Sometimes we just have different definitions of things. So she is constantly making me NOT want to trust her or talk to her anymore without even realizing it. She is breaking my trust almost once a day. I always move past it but you know what I am getting really sick of it. And when I say that I mean that I am tired of saying it is fine for her to do that and just letting go. I get in trouble for things a lot. On the other hand I am thinking about how much progress I have made. Usually I would discard a friend who did this and cut them out completely but I haven't yet. Which is progress for me or is it stupidity? I guess that is possible.

First Week of School

It is friday during my planning period and I am updating my blog to say. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!! I am done moving now I need to unpack and organize. Sarcastic: YAY YIPPEE FOR ME!!!! I am at school get home and move till 11pm. I like to be in bed by 10 at the least but not this week. To show you how out of it I am. It took me two days to realize that in one of my classes their were TWINS. They look alike and have similar names so I only thought I had one student and then finally it donned on me that their were two boys and not just one boy from a particular family. Normally by friday I know all of the kids and I have read their papers so I have gotten to know them. Not this year I have had way too much to do with moving and so I am lucky to know 3/4 of the kids and as for the getting to know you. I entered the grades and am only reading the essay and taking the lazy way out because I am SO SO SO BEHIND!!! Now all the papers I have collected are entered into the computer and I took the essays home to read so hopefully I will get to that.

I am a beautiful Mess

A Beautiful Mess
By
Jason Mraz
You've got the best of both worlds You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, And lift him back up again You are strong but you're needy, Humble but you're greedy And based on your body language, And shouted cursive I've been reading Your style is quite selective, Though your mind is rather reckless Well I guess it just suggests That this is just what happiness is
And what a beautiful mess this is It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write Kind of turn themselves into knives And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear 'Cause here we are, here we are Although you were biased I love your advice Your comebacks they're quick And probably have to do with your insecurities There's no shame in being crazy, Depending on how you take these Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes Through timeless words, and priceless pictures But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

I have spent my time driving to and from this school this week thinking a lot. Is it so bad to need people? I used to believe that it was the worst thing you could ever do. When you need people you open yourself up to be hurt and to be vulnerable and to disappointment. It seems to never fail that people always end up letting me down. So I just learn to never need anyone except family. And that is exactly what I did for a long long time. And that led me to be very isolated and alone. It is not fun not trusting people and not having anyone to turn to. So I started to need people. I need to talk to them. I need them to help me. I need them to want to be around me. I need them to want to help. I need them to want me to come to them when I am emotional and not hide it. I need them to want to make me laugh and smile. I need them listen to me. I need people especially people I am close to and I need them to not leave me. Now as I said I was called needy and though I laugh at it. It still had the reaction of I don't care what that individual thinks because he doesn't know me well enough to know if it is true or not. I won't let him in and I won't let me need him in anyway because he is not that trust worthy (at least for me not in general).

Just because he has no right to judge doesn't mean I haven't taken the opportunity to think about whether I am needy or not. And it is something I thought about. Then I thought about why would it matter. Because what is the problem with needing other people. We put such a horrible connotation on being needy. But at the basic level is that you need validation, acceptance, and some of your needs meet by other people. This is true for everyone. EVERYONE IS NEEDY. We have turned the word needy into a picture of a sniveling, whiney girl who is immature, selfish, and downright annoying because everything is always about her and she is always drama. But that isn't what the word really means it is just the association we know make with the word. I have my days where I am a mess and I am all over the emotional map but my TRUE friends will deal with it and help me survive the rollercoaster till I can coast again and then you know what happens sometime later they are the ones who are an emotional mess and I am the rock they anchor to so that they can weather the storm. That is what being a friend is about helping people pick up the messes, weather the storms, and have them help you in return. No hopefully between the two of you you aren't always in a storm and you have some fun times but you get the picture. Overall, I am very stable. I am not up and down on a daily basis and I stay pretty content. I have my times....specifically the last two weeks but once I am done moving and the first week of school is over things will settle down for me and I can even out.

So after all this thinking I have to say. YES I AM NEEDY!!! So what? I need people and in return I am needed by people. I am not ashamed because I am nowhere close the the steroetypical image or connotation of a needy girl instead I am human and have needs that I have to fill and use other people to fill. I have to say that those who are close to me are troopers and show me everyday why I trust them and open up to them completely with all of my needs (K-dubs, MuellaChica, Roomie (I want you, I need you, O baby O baby). And to those who cannot deal with the fact I am human. That is okay others will come along and fill your spot but we can still be buddies that have fun together.